SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First I want to thank all those who post on SI, I have turned often to this site for the various perspectives that could only come from someone who has gone through it as well.

I have been married to by H for 5 1/2 years - mostly happy although signs of narcissism were there. About 3 years ago, I suspected H may be cheating and so I found a way to read his email. I found lots of very flirtatious emails with various women, some hinting a possible PA. I confronted him while on vacation visiting my parents. He went back to our home and waited until I returned a month later. He denied any PA occurred and blamed his need for admiration and his ego for his "flirting" with women. He promised to be "the best husband ever" and that he would work hard to earn my trust and respect back. I decided to give him a second chance. I suggested counseling but he refused. I am not sure why I did not insist.

Over the last few years, there were no clear signs of cheating but there were times when his actions and words did not match. Such as saying he was out with a friend then discovering that friend was out of town. Fast forward to last month when I decided once again to "check up" and discovered a very similar pattern of emails/texts to multiple women with one very clear date at a local hotel. Once confronted, all the same promises from three years ago came from his mouth. Although now he says he wants to go to counseling, stopped drinking altogether, started regular worship.

The decision to end this marriage came a week later when I got over the shock and realized that he had made the choice to continue with his affairs knowing the devastation he caused me. And that he had no problem lying again and again. The trust and respect is gone – two basic requirements in any marriage.

I asked for a divorce two times over the past few weeks and both times he convinced me to rethink it after crying and begging me for another chance. I asked him to move out a few nights ago to give me the space needed. He reluctantly agreed. I am now trying to figure out not whether to end it, but how and when to let him know. I don’t want to keep him hanging on false hopes. I am so sad because I do love this man and thought that we would grow old together.

He has given you false hope for the past 3 years. He can wait a few weeks while you get things in order.

My advise is to retain a L, get all of your ducks in a row, file, and THEN inform him that he is being served.

Thanks Dreamboat. I am doing just that. I realized that if I have already made up my mind, there is no need to give myself more time - to possibly be talked into another false R.

STXH did the same thing, we'd cry, he'd beg, along with TT and 5 Ddays in over 5 months. Man, he dragged me a long way, saying he wanted to keep me close to him and that's why TT.

I just left him last night. Now, I realize I kept looking for THE big reason to leave, another OW to text, another old lie he got caught it, etc. Finally, I've had enough. My STBXH probably NPD and SA as well. I decided he's too broken to fix and I don't want him. Do I love him? Heck yeah, but I love myself more. :) The pain's not worth it. I don't need him. Heck, I've been doing fine without him for last 3 years anyways! But, it's been nice for those 5+ months bc he's so involved, loving, blah blah. He doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve a life of shame, pain, and misery so I asked him to leave.

Good luck. I, too, asked a lot of Q's. You will know in your gut when the time's right.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:39 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

My stbx made it easy for me. Once I discovered all his extra-curriculars he never made promises to be better or anything. He just accepted the fact that I filed for divorce and started being a jerk.

I'm proud of you for being strong and doing what you know is right for you.

libertyrocks - you summed it up well, we are not required to fix people who clearly don't think they have a problem. I know it is hard but I am proud that you also made the decision to move on from an unhealthy situation. When I imagined reconciling with him, that caused me more pain that the thought of ending my marriage.

MichelleRenae - Thanks for your support and you also deserve kudos for breaking free, even if your STBX made it easier. It is still painful no matter how it comes to pass. Wishing you and your kids the best.