Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: FaithGrace

New Beginnings :
Advice needed quickly

This Topic is Archived
default

 Chrysalis123 (original poster member #27148) posted at 12:43 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

NPd-x has been working overtime the last few years to alienate my DD18. I have recently posted some of the details of how she has behaved toward me and her behavior is disrespectful, self-absorbed, lacking any type of loyalty toward me and cruel.

Her graduation announcement came out today in our local small town paper. She was born in this town.

Her announcement says:

I would like to thank my dad and GF, my sister, and my mom

This GF just moved into her dad's house 6 months ago. DD18 had only been around her a few times before that.

A few people at work asked me about it and gave me hugs, with pity in their eyes.

I am eviscerated. This is the worst in a long line of blows. I feel so humiliated that all my friends and associates read this. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and full of grief.

Problem is, tonight is the senior awards night. DD18 intentionally chose to not tell me the time for her prom pictures a few weeks ago claiming I did not like to be around GF (I never met the lady, not OW) and then asked me to pay half of her grad party Npd-x and GF are throwing. I said , "I am not good enough to be in a backyard with GF yet now I am supposed to pay a bucket load of money to sit an dcht chat with them??"

Anyway, DD18 is getting a few awards. But I DO NOT want to go. I have had enough. I am heart-broken and don't know what to say to everyone that will be there. She has cut me out of her entire senior year and I really do not know what has happened in her life.

Please 2X4 me if I am in need.

I am sad.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:45 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 6345812
default

Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 12:50 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

Your DD will only graduate from HS once; she will only get these awards once. You raised her for 17 years until the X dug into her (and perhaps picked up on latent NPD tendancies in her, but that's neither here nor there.)

IMO, you should go, hold your head up high, clap when she gets her awards, then go out and treat yourself to a piece of pie or a margarita--whatever works.

You deserve this as much as she does. Look at it as fake it till you make it and big, big hugs (((((Chrys)))))

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

posts: 25351   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: Arizona
id 6345823
default

persevere ( member #31468) posted at 12:52 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

My initial knee jerk response is that you may never get this opportunity again. Worst case, you go, you paste a smile on your case, say hello to a few people, politely congratulate your DD, tell her you love her and are proud of her accomplishments, and you are done.

Does it suck and is it unfair? Absolutely. But she is young and dumb and you need the memory of you there for the future, even if you have to basically suck it up for the night.

That is just my knee jerk reaction, I certainly respect whatever you decide, but it would be a step in the right direction. She's not mature enough to have any concept of how to do this herself.

((Hugs))

DDay:2011
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

posts: 5329   ·   registered: Mar. 9th, 2011
id 6345831
default

 Chrysalis123 (original poster member #27148) posted at 12:55 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

I am thinking of going. Snapping a picture of her getting her award, sending to her with a "I'm so proud of you " message.

I cannot face her or them without crying, and they will only use that against me.

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 6345837
default

nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 1:12 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

((((Chrysalis))))

I am thinking of going. Snapping a picture of her getting her award, sending to her with a "I'm so proud of you " message.

That sounds like a great approach.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6345863
default

Kajem ( member #36134) posted at 2:42 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

I like your plan.

Even when you are sidelined by the NPD, you still have every right to be there. GO!

Be proud, you have every right to be. You raised her, he manipulates her.

One day she will see his true colors... that day is coming and she will need you to help her make sense of the nonsense.

Hugs,

K

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - UnknownRelationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

posts: 6708   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Florida
id 6345994
default

kernel ( member #27035) posted at 2:52 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

I like your plan. Hopefully, in the near future, she will see him for what he is. Don't let him take this from you. 18 year olds are still sooooo very young and they don't always make wise choices. Unfortunately, this is another one of those deals where you need to be the bigger person. Hugs to you.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

posts: 5379   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6346013
default

scotslass ( member #39204) posted at 6:20 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

(((Chrysalis)))

I'm so sorry your going through this. I too have an 18 year old son graduating in 2 weeks and I am going through something similar.

I am going to his Graduation ceremony, getting my picture taken with him and then going out to dinner with my best friend, who is attending with me.

Just wanted to send you hugs.

Me. - moving on and upward !!!

posts: 102   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Great Britain
id 6346185
default

woundedby2 ( member #18522) posted at 8:06 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

How did it go tonight, Chrysalis?

In 2010 I divorced the NPD assclown who cheated on me with my best friend.

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

posts: 8027   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2008   ·   location: SoCal
id 6346205
default

wannabenormal ( member #19772) posted at 8:08 AM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

I hope you went and got your picture.

I know it's so hard, but regardless of company, this only happens once.

I hope you had a good night, Chrys. HUGS!!!



posts: 15096   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2008
id 6346206
default

hemademesingle ( member #21281) posted at 12:55 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

I think that is the perfect plan,

Someday she will grow up, maybe even apologize for her behavior, she is young and immature, and we all know how others influence them, anybodies opinion is better than mom's, to a teenager

Don't give these people the power over you, by not attending an important day in not only your daughters life but also in yours, you worked hard as a mom to get her where she is now

Make sure that you are done up to the nine's, hair, make up, rocking outfit, a smile from ear to ear, look threw them not at them, just like they don't exist

posts: 466   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 6346314
default

SBB ( member #35229) posted at 1:05 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

((Chrysalis123))

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

posts: 6062   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 6346324
default

gahurts ( member #33699) posted at 1:53 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

I hope it went well for you Chrysalis. I know exactly how you feel. My step-son runs hot and cold with me often being very nice when he is getting what he wants but then when he steps out of line becoming down-right disrespectful and cruel. But I am basically the only real father he has had since he was 3. His bio dad only showed up two or 3 times even though he lived 20 minutes away.

I am planning on being at the graduation tonight. As Sad pointed out, this happens once. Once it's over then we can never get it back. I just hope that as they grow up further that maturity will take over and we can develop the relationship that we deserve with each other.

(((Chrysalis)))

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

posts: 3991   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: Georgia
id 6346368
default

 Chrysalis123 (original poster member #27148) posted at 2:09 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

I went and sat in the back of the auditorium. I took pictures of her when she received her award and texted them to her.

The I went home. She thanked me by text for the photos.

Next hurdle graduation, and I am planning to do the same thing. I will ask her to contact me if she wants a picture with me. I figure she won't reply.

I feel really down about this, but life goes on. Thanks for all your support.

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 6346383
default

nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 2:33 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

((((((hugs))))))

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6346412
default

SeanFLA ( member #32380) posted at 3:34 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

Wow that's hard. But you did the right thing. I think kids go through that phase when they are her age and think they know everything in the world, then eventually they come around. May take a number of years. Just remember that there will be more things...more graduations possibly, weddings, grand children births, etc you will want to be a part of. One thing I have learned throughout all this is that we have to suck it up as parents. It's what we must do now. This is our new normal. No it will never be the same. It will probably never be comfortable. But know by doing it you are scoring brownie points with someone. And someday it will pay back.

BS(me) 53
WW 52
1 son 20 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

posts: 1647   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2011   ·   location: Zombie Land
id 6346527
default

Kajem ( member #36134) posted at 5:31 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

((((((Chrysalis)))))))

Graduation will be interesting in FL too.

Like you said.

Life goes on.

It does.

More Hugs,

K

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - UnknownRelationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

posts: 6708   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Florida
id 6346720
default

persevere ( member #31468) posted at 8:16 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

I will ask her to contact me if she wants a picture with me.

I think reaching out to her at her graduation is a really great idea. You make the offer and she responds or she doesn't, but you tried. ((Hugs))

DDay:2011
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

posts: 5329   ·   registered: Mar. 9th, 2011
id 6346994
default

Helen of Troy ( member #26419) posted at 8:24 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

This is difficult for you.

Go to these events anyway. First for your DD. Second is because if you don't that gives alienators more "proof"

that you don't care. DD is behaving in a cruel way, go anyway. This is one step in combatting alienation, even if very tough for you. Buy yourself a reward when it is done.

Yes take pix! first for DD and second to be consistent that you do care, one day when she is deprogrammed from the crap she will realize how much you love her.

posts: 4809   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2009
id 6347014
default

nolight ( member #32785) posted at 10:08 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013

Oh how horrible. I think that you should still go, fake it till you make it is right. What she will see is that despite her actions her mother is still there loving and supporting her which I think will speak volumes. If not now then a few years down the track, not going may cause further long term damage to your relationship.

Make sure you schedule something that you've been wanting to do for yourself in the near future too though as a way of compensating and looking after yourself

We make our own fortunes and call them fate, and what better excuse to choose a path then to insist it's our destiny.

posts: 610   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2011
id 6347201
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy