SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

and I'm not feeling like I've "gained" anything. I feel like after 2 years of battling and fighting and doing all I can, my world is still crumbling beneath me.

stbxwh isn't a total jerk. He's screwed up my life and taken my family from me, but I know, despite all his horrible choices, he still loves his kids. He isn't a deadbeat dad...a selfish dad, yes, but not deadbeat.

I worked with stbxwh (his company) for 12 years and during the divorce process he fired me because he didn't want to work with his ex-wife (and he promptly hired ow). This makes him an ass, but neither of us thought there would be any issues with me collecting unemployment and we both were certain I'd get a new position quickly. Wrong on both counts.

I think my attitude would be brighter if I was employed becauase right now I'm worried about finances. I have a wonderful new home that I bought on my own last year, but I'm struggling with mortgage payments.

Overall, I can't help feeling like so much was taken from me...my family, my husband, my companion, my job, my security, etc. Friends tell me my life will be better, but I don't see it. I see stbxwh riding off into the sunset with ow while I make my way on my own as a single mom of 4 kids. I love my kids and they are what keeps me going each and every day. They can bring me smiles when all I want to do is cry. But, I miss having a partner. Someone to bounce ideas off of, someone to chat about my day with, someone to "face the world" with.

I'm a strong person, but I feel like I am starting to weaken. Like I said, I'm sure a lot has to do with my unemployed status because that is causing me a lot of stress. But, aside from that, I guess I'm feeling lonely....

As hard as it may be, you need to stop thinking about him "riding off into the sunset" and comparing yourself to him in any way shape or form.

And if I were you? I'd be looking for my anger. He fired you and hired OW? He fired the mother of his children because he thought he'd be uncomfortable? The hell? I'm sorry, but from this vantage point, that IS the action of a total jerk.

Be kind with yourself as you approach court and the finality of the D. It's perfectly normal to feel everything you are feeling. And then some.

((((movingfast))))

I get those feelings. It's hard sometimes to feel like they just "replaced" you and nothing else changed, while everything changes for you and you can't do a damn thing about it.

(((hugs)))

Good luck at court tomorrow. Just breathe, and get through it. You are almost there.

Sending you strength and huge hugs...and keep us updated!

And...it's over. 30 minutes in front of a judge and I have my signed court papers officially declaring my marriage is irrecovably broken. :-(

Afterwards xwh and I had a talk out in the parking lot. We both actually were unsure how we got to this point. 15 years ago we were dating and thought our life was going to end in our own happily ever after. And, here we stood with court papers in hand saying "nah nah you were wrong!" Yes, it was xwh's choices and personal brokenness that got us here, but I truly believed we would make it through the affair and the aftermath. Neither of us regret our marriage and we know we will forever be part of each others lives, but he's not "mine" anymore. I don't think he's quite accepted that I'm not "his" either.

We hugged the kind of hug you give when you're scared. And then he ruined the moment by telling me he wanted to start having the kids sleep over at ow's house. He also "scolded" me for telling the kids that today was our court date (casual question from my oldest and I didn't make a big deal out of it). So, there will be disagreements going forward, but now, I'm not his wife, I'm the mother of his children.

My heart hurts for the future/life I thought I would have. Yet, the world goes on around me because as major as this is for me....it doesn't stop the world. I went grocery shopping and nothing was different. I cut the lawn and nothing changed. Heck, my dog even threw up on my new living room rug (she at 1/2 a cookie cake last night and it finally got the best of her). Life goes on. I just don't know what to expect from it any more.

Tonight friends have invited me and the kids over for a cookout and companionship. It should be nice.

I'm just amazed that a marriage can end so quietly.