SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Overwhelmed. I’m at my limit…the end of my rope. I almost blinked this weekend. So here’s a vent. Thanks SI peeps for giving me a venue. Better here than IRL, right?

I worked non-stop in my yard trying to make the neglected house look presentable, again. It was a one-man effort while she lived here anyway, but I do admit it’s more difficult doing it all by myself, with DS11 in tow. My Memorial Day was spent by myself cutting and hauling tree limbs, and revamping flowerbeds. No pool party, as I just couldn’t get it all done alone.

I finally got to the store last night at 10pm to grocery shop for the week. You see an interesting assortment of folks at the store that late where I live. I saw mostly tired people like me, and the night crew restocking the shelves. But also saw several young/newish couples shopping together. I don’t know if I’d consider that a trigger, but it sort of made me nostalgic for those days. A 20 year relationship is all tainted and memories ruined for me, our kids, our extended families and friends. Yes, a good friend took down a picture of our two families’ whitewater rafting together because it’s all fucked up now. Thanks STBXWW!!!

Mom and Dad recently traveled to Europe to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. I called them (they live in a different state), to see how the trip was as I hadn’t heard from them for the two weeks they were gone. Mom barely would discuss the trip and centered the conversation around me. “You should be doing this… You should be doing that… Hire a housekeeper… You need to tell your kids this…Explain this to the kids…” GOD, it was all I could do to not be rude. I know she only cares about me and the kids, and worries that I’m working myself into a frazzle.

I finally asked her to stop doling out the advice, and please listen. I’ve been a parent for 18 years. Am I perfect? No, but I know my kids better than anybody. She has this idea you reason with kids and they “just get it”! Really? On what planet does that work with a teenager? It didn’t work with me, and I was a pretty good kid. I’m just happy if I can get them to actually discuss their problems with me, or to pick up their towel off of the bathroom floor or put away the dishes.

Apparently my sister who flew in for my oldest son’s HS graduation reported to mom that my house wasn’t clean. She has a good heart, but she’s unmarried, has no kids, and lives in a condo. She doesn’t take care of a yard and has a 2x week housekeeper. My mom and dad never went through a divorce. Never even close, so they don’t understand. So please, well meaning family, don’t just tell me what I’m doing wrong. Encourage me to fight on and highlight the things I’m doing well.

I can’t afford a housekeeper. I can’t even contribute to my 401K anymore because I pay STBX $1100/month in CS and SS. The kids stay with me 50% of the time (actually more than that because DS 16 refuses to go to her house), and I pay for EVERYTHING kid-related that isn’t her stupid rent and all of the processed/prepared food they eat while they’re at her place. I pay all health care costs, braces, tuition, school lunches, piano lessons, baseball fees, car insurance (for her stupid ass too!), and everything else. Anything they ask for, she says, “I can’t afford it. Ask your dad.” And she has the nerve to tell me she should have taken me to court for the temporary support hearing, to get more money from me! She has a freakin job! Hell, I supported her and paid for her to get her fucking masters degree. While she was taking fucking evening classes, I was happily fulfilling my role as the supportive spouse! All the while screwing OM who was a classmate! Fuck her! Seriously!

DS16 barely speaks to his mother, and hasn’t been to her place since Mother’s day. His GF’s mother and STBXWW are at odds, with him in the middle. How can a mother use her own kid as a pawn in some kind of power play game? If you want to witness full blown crazy, just get between those two. Yeah, I allowed myself to get pulled into that position, with the idea I was protecting my son from these crazy, manipulative loons. Well, I only made things worse between him and me.

It’s enough to deal with the logistics of the divorce itself, but then everyone’s emotional fallout becomes your responsibility. Since STBXWW can’t take responsibility for anything, and can’t deal with the consequences of her choices, she is no help for our children. Again, it all falls back onto me. And she even as the nerve to come over crying, feeling sorry for herself and asking me to put her back together again! (I did put a stop to that, BTW…)

I am the dad. I am the leader of my family. I am and have always been the responsible one. I am the stability and safety. I AM THE FUCKING ROCK!!! I don’t have anyone to whine to about needing this or that. STBXWW blames me for her deteriorated relationship with DS16. She blames me for her not having any money. She blames me for “allowing this to happen”.

Yet, I take the high road, and it’s a lonely place sometimes. I don’t tell anyone about the A, because she’s trying to get a job as a public school principal. If word got out she was screwing a coworker, she’d never get hired in this town, and I’m afraid she would take DS11 and move away. Plus, I don’t want my kids to find out their mother is the mOW. How humiliating would that be? I never talk bad about her to them. I try to be fair when it comes to money and the settlement.

I HATE her so much sometimes. I CAN deal with the betrayal. I CAN deal with splitting assets. I CAN take care of this big ass 80 year old house all by myself. I CAN feed and clothe my kids, but I’m struggling with the emotional impact it has on them. That’s what keeps me up at night. Not the money or uncertainty.

She has completely blown up our family. She’s a POS who screwed a married man while his SAHW was home raising two children under 6. She’s a fucking homewrecker, and has done absolutely fucking nothing to help anyone in this family heal from her POS behavior. Yet, she walks out of here not accepting any responsibility, taking half of the assets, and leaving me to clean up the mess.

I hope there is an STD in her future!

(thanks for the vent. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming…)

(((((KeepOnMovin))))) I hear you friend ... I really do. I'm glad you had time to come here and vent. Hugs and support, dmari

(((KeepOn)))

I am so sorry. It's amazing how some people think nothing is their fault.

(((keep on))))

You have been heard.

So sorry for your situation - just know that YOU are doing the RIGHT thing!

Shit, I know what you mean. It is so wrong that they can break the marriage contract and still walk away with half of the assets and NONE of the blame.

About the house...who cares what anyone else thinks. I've got an acre and a 70 year old house. I just barely keep up and it's never clean. I consider myself a fucking success if I've done one household chore and made dinner. Nevermind that I have 8 things on the to do list!

You've been heard. Hopefully she gets that job so you can take her back for a CS adjustment and even things out a little bit.

((((KeepOnMovin))))

I remember saying during my first labour "I can't do this - I want to go home" and my midwife saying "Ooooh that's great - mums always say that right before they DO do it". And she was right.

That line has popped into my head several times during this shitstorm.

My mum has also been driving me nuts with her well meaning but inappropriate advice. I have told her to butt out more times than I can count. On the clean home front - I grew up in a spotless home and my mum now says she wishes she spent more time playing with her kids than in keeping the house surgically clean.

Some people just don't understand - with any luck they never will. They don't need to understand it - a little empathy would be nice though.

Find out what resources are available to you to get your kids and yourself into IC.

I wouldn't keep it secret friend - its not your secret to keep. I'd be outing her to all and sundry. Chances are she'll out herself anyway.

She cannot take your child very far away, especially given 50/50. Does your agreement stipulate 50/50 costs? If it doesn't I'd be having it added. If it does and she's not complying I'd be looking at ways to reduce your CS. Take a record of every cent you spend.

That's it for the advice portion. I want you to know that you're not alone. I too am shocked and appalled that he would do what he is doing to my girls. The betrayals of me were one thing, the betrayals of them and his duty of care to them is a whole other bucket of fucked up. Its hard to watch but I have unburdened myself of the responsibility of making him a good father. I tried my hardest for 5 long years - that is not my job. It never was before and it certainly isn't now.

Vent away brother - your anger is as justified as your hurt. Channel it into making the best life possible for you and your kids.

You're a good person, a good man and a great father. Remind yourself of this during the hard times.

((KOM))

Thanks so much for the hugs and advice.

Well, i'm not a neat freak, but i'm halfway proud of how well i do take care of the house. I've eradicated so much clutter STBX left behind, but i have a long way to go to completely exorcise her from my house. It's definitely not surgically clean, but there are no dishes in the sink (not normally anyways), and the bathrooms are clean enough. (well, there are three boys living with me...and a dog)

After a really bad experience with FC in January, I'm working on finding a new counselor. I've had one appt with the new guy, but i'm not sure he's the right one for my kids. I see him again next week, and if it goes well i will start with the boys.

We have joint custody, but if she moves more than 40 miles away, all she has to do is give me 60 days notice. We would schedule a custody hearing. I work 50 or more hours per week, to her teacher hours and summers off. I just don't see me 'winning' in that case. I can also see her wanting to take him just to pad her income with CS.

I do keep a record of all money i spend on the kids (and her). Plus, i also journal the weekly bucket of crazy she dumps on me. The temporary order only spells out the CS/SS, and specifically lists the items i referred to and a few others i left out for brevity. (I also pay her attorney, which is it's own kind of weird.) It does NOT spell out anything with respect to what she is supposed to use the CS for.

She did make a point to text me she gave DS18 money so he could take is GF to Chili's for lunch on his birthday. Like i'm supposed to give her a medal or something?

My attorney basically told me i need to get used to her sending the kids to me for money from now until i die. So it is in my best interest to do the right thing with respect to the boys, and limit CS to the minimum. He's confident i won't be paying any SS in the final decree. Her future is secured to the tune of about half a million in my 401k, pension and equity in the house.

I know someday, i will look back and relize how much better off i am without her. In fact, i'm confident i will really be the only one that actually benefits from the divorce. She will lose in the long run. Her friends (at least the family ones) and her parents know i'm the best thing that's ever happened to her. She's a trainwreck. I mean she was cheating on her affair partner with another guy!

IN the meantime, I just get left to pick up all of the pieces with respect to the kids. That's what sucks.

KeepOnMoving,

I feel for you. It is the pain of our children that is the hardest to bear. My DD used to be the happiest child and now it is so hard to see her confused, insecure. sad, all of it.