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Saw a woman who was a good 7-9 months pregnant smoking today. All I gotta say

We were walking opposite directions and when I saw her my mouth flew open and the words spilled out before I could think: "OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S SMOKING!!" I said this to a woman who was walking beside me.

Pregnant smoker heard though, and looked at me like she wanted to pull my hair and scratch my eyes out. She stayed classy, and walked on, though.

Here is my dilemma, and I feel like I am approaching it from the wrong POV: I would love to be pregnant. I would love to be as far along as she, happily on my way to a check up (we were at the Womens Health Clinic). And this woman takes something that is truly a gift and shits all over it. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. D:

I have IF issues, but thankfully have been able to conceive.

DH and I aren't perfect. (Hell, he's a recovering addict).

But, I do tend to be really judgey about women and families that do not act in the best interest of their children.

On my birth board for the last LO I had some of the moms smoked pot while pregnant. They reasoned that pot was more natural than cigs and, well, that's how they prefer to get high (rather than getting buzzed off drinking.)

We were contemplating adopting for a while. It always amuses me (not in a good way) that you have to go through a bunch of hoops to adopt, but those than can have kids naturally/easily don't have to go through the same hoops to become a parent.

I'm babbling. But, you've been heard, and you aren't the only one that thinks like that.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 4:14 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Judge not.

I smoked all through both of my pregnancies because back then the dangers were not known, or not promoted.

I had two very healthy babies who are now in their 30s with families of their own, neither smokes.

Soemtimes you just have to let things be.

Smoking causes intrauterine growth retardation. However most of the time it's just a few ounces. But I'd want to avoid a cracky nicotine withdrawing newborn.

Smoking causes intrauterine growth retardation. However most of the time it's just a few ounces. But I'd want to avoid a cracky nicotine withdrawing newborn.

I smoked all through both of my pregnancies because back then the dangers were not known, or not promoted.

In this country, no one who smokes today does so without knowing the risk. We know the risk before we're even old enough to buy cigarettes.

Before I became pregnant, I was a smoker (I quit before TTC but I had only smoked on and off--although I smoked heavily-- as a crutch, so quitting was quite easy for me). I was at a bar, drinking pretty heavily one night, listening to a local band play. Went out to smoke a cigarette, and saw a hugely pregnant woman smoking. Like, 8 months along. I sprung into action like a drunk ninja and slapped the cigarette right out of her mouth as she took a drag.

She yelled at me and lit another, which I promptly slapped out of her hand, while telling her everything she could be doing to her fetus.

Her husband drug her away from me before she could kick my drunk ass.

[This message edited by Want2help at 9:52 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

The Mrs stopped smoking as soon as she realised she was pregnant with DD4- same with DS3 but then started again not long before he was born and now she's stopped again because pregnant (yey).

I think those breath tests in the antenatal clinic are a great idea- yes they can refuse but by refusing you're pretty much saying "yeah I told you I'd stopped but I haven't"

[This message edited by idiot85 at 7:35 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]

To me this is the first sacrifice you make for your child - smoking, drinking & eating right to give them a good jumping off spot.

If you can't do that for 9 months, what are the next 21years gonna be like

I am a current smoker. Have been since d-day in Aug. 09. Or I should say, again. I quit cold turkey in Feb. 99, had to, it was either smoke or Xh, he made me choose and I chose him. I did cheat on and off through the years of out M, never for long periods.

Anyway ... I do not smoke in my house ever, I do in my car but I'm the only one it over 90% of the time. If there is a non-smoker in the car with me I don't smoke, I wait or make pit stops.

Anyway, most of you know I struggled with infertility issues all through the M, and the one time I was prego I lost the baby. I was not smoking at the times I was under treatment or prego. Ever.

This is purely a selfish thing I do ... I have my own stupid reasons, and they are stupid. I recognize just how selfish and stupid it is, and I know all the risks, I am an LPN, I can't help but know and see the end results.

Force something like smoking on an innocent baby who has no choice ... I have no words. In the womb and later after the birth. Parents always tell me how good they are about not smoking around the kids ... Then I give them patient education about 3rd hand smoke, remind them that just because they only smoke in one room of the house makes no difference, it goes everywhere, no matter how well you shut the door.

Alas, here I am on my soapbox ... wanted all my life to have a baby of my own, and yet I watch as woman just stomp all over the miracle they are gifted with.

Some are lucky and babies have no ill affects, some not so much. Why take the chance ? Why roll the dice ? Selfish. My former friend thought she was so good so great ... she cut her smoking down to less than 5 cigs a day during her pregnancy ... he baby was born a premie directly related to her smoking. All of my cousins smoked right on through their pregnancies as well, babies were all healthy weights, but now more than one has asthma, or chronic ear infections and other such upper respiratory issues.

I'm no saint, but I recognize it for what is, selfish, and by that I do it to myself. Granted my family will not be happy in the end, again it is my choice and a selfish one.

Even if by some weird other worldy way a baby was able to voice their desire about such things, before or very early in the prenancy, and they choose to let the mom smoke, still not ok. Ya know being that they are the child and her being the adult.

... wanted all my life to have a baby of my own, and yet I watch as woman just stomp all over the miracle they are gifted with.

That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. You hit the nail on the head. What was especially upsetting was we were at a Womens Clinic... I was there to talking about my fertility and get lab work done, she was probably there for a check up. It was like a double slap. For the record, I smoked from when I was 16-21. Not long, but was still a regular smoker. I quit cold turkey and never looked back.

I frown upon smoking around children, whether in a car or a house. Serious pet peeve of mine. If someone is very obviously pregnant and smoking, I think it is a shame, and it is especially perturbing to me right now when my own biological clock is raging.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 3:55 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

I frown upon smoking around children, whether in a car or a house. Serious pet peeve of mine. If someone is very obviously pregnant and smoking, I think it is a shame, and it is especially perturbing to me right now when my own biological clock is raging.

Ya know one of the things that really got me ... When parents, or adults in charge, did not use car seats or used them improperly ... It still drives me nuts today.

My biological is no longer ticking ... well not totally anyway since the uterus and cervix were removed ... But yeah I hear ya, I remember that feeling all to well when my clock was screaming at me, when I was seeing stuff like that.

And by no way would I have been a saint of a parent, not what I am implying here at all. But .......

All my prayers for you (((DI))) I understand you, I hear you.

Well, I do know people that look and appear to be healthy and pregnant, but have had serious complications as well. A friend of mine had to carry her still born child to term and deliver, she still had to get her routine check ups etc., that being said, anything's possible. I think back to when xh and I went through infertility and how angry/envious I was of others that were pregnant, whether they still smoked, or drank, etc., but the only person I was hurting was myself, the anger completely took over, and accomplished nothing, my uncle gave me great advice(they did Gift twice and were successful), "don't worry about anyone else, the stress is not worth it, if you want to have a pity party, have a 5min one, then pull your boot straps up, and put one foot in front of the other." It helped me get through the really hard times, so maybe it can help you too. Big (((hugs)))

[This message edited by Betrayal at 11:09 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

but the only person I was hurting was myself, the anger completely took over, and accomplished nothing,

This ^^^^^^ zzzzz The anger/sadness ect I still feel over the infertility roller coaster is worse than the A stuff ...

Finding a way to let it go and purge it is so important. I know that taking my own advice is a tough pill.

Find a good healthy outlet DI. I went headlong into my fear of babies and happy families. I forced myself to confront it/them. God was/is it hard, but it helps, a lot. There are still times it really get's under my skin still.

I do think a lot of my pet peeves (when it comes to children) are accentuated right now because of where I am at with having a baby. I REALLY want a baby. My fiance wants a baby, too, but he is more hesitant. It is money. He is extremely worried about how we will continue to save if I get pregnant. Here is the thing: he just completed his Masters, and has 4 years left of getting his PhD in Physics. There is a very lucrative and bustling economy out there for him when he graduates. Companies like Intel, Texas Instruments, even the Dept. of Defense are constantly banging on his dept's door for graduating students.

If I said I would want to wait to have a baby for when he graduates he would not be so worried. But I am 34 years old! In another 4 years I will be close to 40! I am not waiting until I am 40 to have a baby. I am stressed enough as it is having a baby at my current age.

Right now the plan is to try having a baby towards the end of next summer, and for sure by next November. We started talking about it again last night, and he was hem-hawing around again. I finally said that I was sick of all these if, ands, or buts when it comes to start having a child.

His mom is a super feminist, and she says it is 100% my decision to decide when I have a baby. She says that if I want to get pregnant today it is not his place to say yay or nay. And I know that if I pushed hard enough and said "I want to get pregnant now" he would agree, and not harbor any resentment. But I want us to be on the same page, and his reluctance is pissing me off.

I disagree with his mom 100%. It should be a 2 person decision, mom and dad. Your bringing another human into the world. No small matter there.

Anyway, my best advice, there will never be the right time to have a baby, never have enough money. Because every year the cost of having/raising a baby/children goes up ...

Being emotionally ready, mentally ready I think is something to focus on. Otherwise everything else just falls apart around you. No matter how much money there is or isn't, if the foundation is not there, it just don't matter.

My mother smoked (cigarettes and pot) while pregnant with me. She may have even taken LSD at the time as well (it WAS the early 70's, after all). I was born very healthy and robust - maybe even a little too much so. So, it doesn't always mean that the fetus will be deformed or harmed, etc. However, I agree that there's always a risk when you engage in such behavior.

I also agree that smoking, drinking, etc. during pregnancy is not a positive model of behavior. (Especially drinking - I took a class on fetal alcohol syndrome and it's scary what even one drink has the potential to do.) However... as repulsive as I might find this behavior, it's not up to me to police society. Smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol are legal in this society, as much as I may disagree, and until it is outlawed by the public at large, I really have no right to tell anyone what to do with their bodies - including smoking while pregnant.

If I saw it, I'd probably look at them like they were a piece of crap stuck to my shoe and walk on, but that's legally all I have a right to do. I could say something, but what good does getting into a verbal altercation do other than escalate a situation over which you honestly don't have control?

I agree that it's repulsive behavior, but unfortunately there's not much we can do about it other than make consumption of such things illegal, which I don't see happening any time soon.

I've done this. The want of having a child and family so strong that I envy those that have it and resent those that crapped on it. I was so angry at my cousin for so long. She was/is a drug addict. Also a drug dealer. She smokes, drinks and is just a selfish person in general, I still love her to death. She has 2 kids. Adorable sweet loving children that her mom/my aunt and my grandma raise. I resented her for a long time. I cried to my mom one day how is it fair that she gets to have kids and yet I've never been given that gift. My mom told me to let it go. Life will play out as it should. I realized she was right. Resenting my cousin got me nowhere. Mind you she still pisses me off but that's because I'm scared she's going to kill herself with her actions.

Nicotine is a powerful addiction. I understand your anger and frustration but at the end of the day, this is an addiction and a dysfunctional brain. Yes she could get help, but her brain says she has to have nicotine or die so it is hard to get a grip and get help. I wish we as a culture had a better approach to addiction. Shaming someone only goes so far.

Life will play out as it should

Yes, yes and yes. I look back at all of the years trying to have a child, the anger, the stress, the worry, and it was such a waste of time, and emotion. 10yrs of trying with the xh(and during that time we were very wealthy). I was divorced and had lost everything, and met my now H, we got pregnant 3 times, I miscarried twice, but we ended up having a baby( i was 35), and it was at the WORST time in our lives, H had lost his job, and we were barely scraping by, but we got through it. I recall asking a dear friend of mine how they did it financially with 4 boys(all under 5 at one point) and she told me "it all just works out, somehow, it just does". And she was right, it's also ironic because I had always wanted to be a mom, and a young one at that, but someone else had better plans for me lol, and quite possibly the same may be true for you DI. Sometimes you just have to let go, and live life being grateful for what you have, not what you don't, I know I struggled quite a bit after the miscarriages and it took the joy out of my life during that time-it's something that I do regret. Your fiance has concerns, which is good, it means that he will be a great dad, financial responsibility is a great quality and I'm not saying it isn't good to be prepared financially and also to feel like it's the right time, but I think that it really helps to know that even if you don't have all of your ducks in a row, it will be OK, and your fiance will have to come to terms with that somehow. There are TONS and I mean TONS of ways to have children on a tight budget, I think almost all of the clothes our son wore(and still has yet to wear), were either hand me downs, or second hand store bought, we didn't have to buy much at all, same with his toys up until this year(he will be 3 in sept). Maybe talking to him about that may make him stress a bit less, thus taking some of the stress off of you as well.

Maybe I should point out that the Mrs only stopped when she realised she was pregnant and with DD4 she didn't know for ages- so while (unknowingly) pregnant she got drunk, smoked 20 a day and got high every weekend!! Some of our friends use this as an argument for whereas I see it as lucky!!