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FightingBack (original poster member #34770) posted at 1:01 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
Because I have been trying to be more indifferent to my WH lately as it seems to be an at least temporary way of dealing with the on going pain, I explained that it helps me cope.
He thinks that this is a good thing because by doing this it allows one to cope with everyday life and not become obsessive about whatever is causing pain.
That is obviously how he deals with things,
I asked him if he would give the same advice to his recently bereaved BIL. He said yes, life must go on.
I told him that it is not so simple when one has experienced a trauma.
.
He said that he is also traumatized by the events following dday. He has had to face the fact that he has been living two lives even if one was "real" and the other was not. He has had to face the consequences of his actions ( something he never thought about before). He also has to deal with the fallout of the discovery of his affair, my reaction, that of our children and also his business partners who had to deal with the leaving of a long term employee who also acted as the office queen bee (MOW), and are pissed at WH because he jeopardized the company (possible lawsuit/sexual harassment charges)
Poor baby. No wonder he is traumatized.
I am at a loss for words. Am I being harsh and unreasonable or is what he is saying utter bullshit. Or maybe totally, self absorbed wayward thinking.
Your opinions are appreciated.
[This message edited by FightingBack at 7:06 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]
Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!
Skan ( member #35812) posted at 1:31 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
Boo frigging hoo. If he had kept his pants zipped then NONE of this trauma would have happened. My heart does not break for him. 
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
HFSSC ( member #33338) posted at 1:40 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
Oh, how I love having the opportunity to share this. My daddy taught me this years ago.
Tell your WH that he can find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.
Good Lord! 
Me, 56
Him, 48 (JMSSC)
Married 26 years. Reconciled.
BIZZYBEEZ ( member #37645) posted at 3:23 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
My fWH has talked to me about how his A has affected him. He no longer likes the man he sees in the mirror. He knows this is all on him & his piss poor coping skills & is working on himself. He's told me he too feels traumatized by what he's done but doesn't want or expect sympathy from me as he doesn't deserve it. I feel bad for him sometimes but not enough to give him a free pass. He did this - he needs to fix it.
BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)
Learning to breathe again - one day at a time
Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 4:07 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
Oh what a baby! Oh, he's traumatized? Good Lord, get a grip. Go fucking tell it to your therapist, moron. You don't know the meaning of traumatized, Assclown!
Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU
Athena1979 ( member #39393) posted at 4:20 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
Is he wanting sympathy from you or is just trying to communicate his thoughts or is he trying to get a free pass?
We all must take responsibility for ourselves. He has to take responsibility for himself.
I do very much love the quote of "if he wants sympathy, look it up in the dictionary..."
Married 11/11/11
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
You know perfectly that you can only change what you accept....never forget that there are two kinds of pain, the one that hurts and the one that makes you change.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 4:26 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
He also has to deal with the fallout of the discovery of his affair, my reaction, that of our children and also his business partners who had to deal with the leaving of a long term employee who also acted as the office queen bee (MOW), and are pissed at WH because he jeopardized the company (possible lawsuit/sexual harassment charges)
I know how you feel as this is exactly how our situation played out to a T.
No you are not being harsh and unreasonable. They are traumatized by our reactions and they can't face themselves or what they have done to us. My WH is the same way.
I say he is saying utter bullshit. No one bullshits better than a bullshitter 
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
courageous ( member #34477) posted at 4:26 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
The difference is he caused the "trauma" to himself. No one forced his pants down, he wasn't raped. Your trauma was done TO you. You didn't ask for it nor did you want it.
Is he traumatized by all the fun gone out of his life?
Me: BW (in my 40's) Him: ExWH EA/PA with MOW coworker(also married). He ended up marrying his mistress.
HeartInADustpan ( member #38341) posted at 4:28 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
Poor thing. Does he want some cheese with that whine?
Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain
momentintime ( member #16394) posted at 7:55 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
He repeatedly chose the A. You had no choice or voice. FTG.
[This message edited by momentintime at 2:39 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
Lucky ( member #6864) posted at 8:05 AM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
He is allowed his feelings, just as you are yours.
If he didn't feel traumatized, guilt and remorse.. well hell at least he he's out of the fog, right?
♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥
LivinginLimbo ( member #35004) posted at 1:04 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
Is he actually comparing his emotional state to someone whose spouse died? 
No sympathy here. His "trauma" was solely by choice.
BS - 65
WH - 63
Married 37 years
D-Day 2/12/12
D-Day 6/1/16 Caught him back online early enough that no physical contact took place but still devastating. This sucks.
Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 2:18 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
Tell your WH that he can find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.
I'm sorry; much as I tried I could not find my tiny violin to play a song of sympathy for him.
Don't think you'll find many here on "his side" - tell him to take his pity party to IC and sort it out...that's not your job.
(((((Fighting)))))
2025: Me-59 FWH-61 Married 41 years grown daughters- 41 & 37. 1 GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); Five grands ages 15 to 8. D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant
KeepCalm_CarryOn ( member #33374) posted at 2:26 PM on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
While he is certainly entitled to his feelings- whatever they may be- they cannot be the driving force if he wants to recover. He needs to nut up.
You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
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