SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read a post in the WS forum about post-A body image. A WS wrote during her A’s, she was high on dopamine and compliments and felt sexy and pretty, and now she doesn’t enjoy the attention from men and wants to try to be “less attractive”.

Another wrote it’s the boundaries that are in place now that make her less attractive. She wrote, “I was getting complimented and hit on like crazy during my A’s but I know it was the vibe I was sending out.” And with boundaries in place, the compliments stopped.

STBXWW used to (still does I guess) get hit on frequently. Even when we were out as a couple, men would buy her drinks. She never turned it down, ether. One time I stepped in and returned the drink. She wasn’t angry at me for returning it, but she said it was rude and dumb to return free alcohol. I replied that guys don’t buy a girl a drink just because they’re nice. Dday #2, she was out with her friends and got pretty smashed. Told me she didn’t have to pay for a single drink that night, and this really nice guy that knows me paid her tab. (I knew who he was, but had never met him.)

Thinking back, this was never an issue early in the marriage. When we went out, we went out as a couple. I’m not saying we were glued at the hips, but we were definitely “together”. I had the utmost confidence in our relationship. But about when she turned 40, we rarely went out just the two of us. It was usually with her friends and it was the typical girls hang together/dance and husbands talk golf, hunting, etc.

I never really understood. I just figured I had a pretty wife and guys noticed her. She has an outgoing, boisterous personality. She’s friendly and people generally like her when the first meet her. That has always been the case. But it did start to become a problem, and caused me to feel uneasy. She would say, “it’s not like I’m putting myself out there!”, and would play it off. She would then tell me she always liked it that I wasn’t the jealous type, and it was me who changed. That I lost my self-esteem and started to become jealous of the attention she was receiving.

So, I have a few questions:

Do women (or men) send out a ‘vibe’ that they’re looking or available? And what does that look like? Eye contact? Body language?

Does accepting a drink from a stranger tell him you’re available, or open an invitation?

Do people buy drinks for random strangers just to be a nice, with no expectations?

I mean, I’m in good shape and I’m not bad to look at, but I never got hit on. I’ve also never bought a woman I did not know a drink. But now that word has gotten out that we’re separated and moving toward divorce, I’ve noticed I have gotten some of that attention. Wonder if it’s my body language or if I’m just now noticing and never did before?

Do women (or men) send out a ‘vibe’ that they’re looking or available? And what does that look like? Eye contact? Body language?

Yes, I believe so, and likewise I believe others send out a "not available" vibe. I've known MrWNW since I was 15. He said I always had the "Don't even try it" vibe to me. I never paid attention that all my cousin's friends were cordial, polite ("Hi, WNW, how are you today?") but that was it. I've heard it from several people over the years. I was viewed as a bit "stuck up". I wasn't "stuck up" AT ALL. I just had boundaries, which clearly is a lost concept to many. I still have them. I do not engage in overly friendly conversations with most people. I have two really close GIRL friends, am close with two female cousins and my father and grandmother, and that is my inner circle. Anyone else gets surface stuff only--my "not available" vibe.

Does accepting a drink from a stranger tell him you’re available, or open an invitation?

I do not accept drinks from anyone ever, period. One, I'm not available, and I wouldn't want someone to assume I was. I'm not interested in accepting a drink, giving a reason to open a conversation with a stranger. Two, it is a very dangerous move to accept a drink from anyone. I was raped from GHB drugging at 21.....and that's NOT accepting a drink from someone. It's just never worth the risk. "No thank you," suffices.

Do people buy drinks for random strangers just to be a nice, with no expectations?

I guess it's possible, but random acts of kindness are usually reserved for helping little old ladies across the street, not buying some poor hot young girl a drink so she doesn't have to reach down into her Coach bag. KWIM?

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 12:29 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

Part of noticing the attention may be that you allow yourself to notice it. For example, when I was married, I was not available, and never thought someone would be hitting on me. Afterwards, it was easy for me to subtlety encourage any attention, which ratcheted up any responses. Make sense?

[This message edited by wonderpets at 12:49 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

My FWH and I just had a conversation (rather one sided, I must admit) about this buying of drinks thing. He was out with his friend T, who is also a married guy. One bar they were at, some gal bought T a drink and then came over to "chat." T thanked her for the drink and told her that he was married. She told him that that wasn't a problem. They left soon afterwards because as FWH put it, she wasn't interested in taking no for an answer and was making a pest of herself.

My question to him was, why did T accept the drink? Married people do not accept drinks from strangers your buddy buying you a beer to pay you back for the one that you spotted him is one thing, but married people Do Not Accept Presents from strangers. FWH said that he thought that T didn't want to be rude. And why was that a problem, I asked? Married people do not accept presents from strangers. It's not rude, it's boundaries. And if she came over to talk, was told that T was married, and continued to try to pick him up, the ONLY acceptable answer to that was to loudly tell her to GO AWAY and quit bothering him. To do anything else was disrespectful to T's spouse. Married people did not have to be polite to slimeballs who were trying to screw them they had to be firm and turn their backs on them.

FWH looked rather thoughtful about that. I told him, you realize that what I'm telling you is exactly what I expect from you. And (smart man) he agreed.

I definitely think there is an "available" vibe. My male partners at work are perfect examples. One has that vibe, is a bit of a flirt, ended up cheating on his wife with an employee. The other just doesn't have that vibe and you would never imaging him cheating.

My H is not a flirt, but he acts(acted) different when he drank and liked attention. My best friend's mother commented that he was one that needed to be watched. He sent out a signal of availability to at least one woman.

Men have to be forward to get through my defenses, and then I shut them down.

I suspect it may be a self-esteem thing.