This is just a vent, really, sorry, I don't have anywhere else to talk.
My WH has been on nights this week- this is his working pattern, he works 7 nights a week, then the next week he doesn't work at all. I work 9-5 so for these weeks, we barely see each other. He needs a new job but isn't putting much effort in and he's not very qualified for anything, but I'm trying to help.
I have been, to put it mildly, wallowing this week. I find it hard when he's on nights- I'm like a child now, I have no object constancy. I'm also alone with my thoughts and it's hard to get people to socialise to take my mind off things.
Yesterday, I had to write something for work and it was quite difficult to do, very personal. In a way, my marriage to my WH etc was kind of my, "happy ending" as I've had a seriously hard time and pulled myself through a lot. It was so romantic we found each other again after all those years etc etc etc. And I felt that way, too, I have loved him since I was a teenager, and he felt the same, felt I was his soulmate, the one (he still says this, I do not believe it- nor in soulmates- anymore). Look how it's turning out, we've only been married for 9 months.
Then we had a little party for someone who is going on maternity leave. She was all full and glowing, beautiful and happy. And I almost burst into tears as it is a life I feel has been robbed from me. Even if we stay together, I don't know how we'll do any of that. Everything feels like such a sham to me. And this is our first year of marriage, that's what we were supposed to be talking about, supposed to be planning. Not this. Kids and marriage is all he has ever wanted and he fucked it up. And it's what I wanted too, and now I regret getting married. This whole life I had imagined feels like it has gone and it is making me desperately sad and full of total, paralysing grief.
I could leave him and find someone new and have a life. But it's not that life, not the life I had dreamed about, me and him, together, raising a family, happy and in love, that life feels completely gone and I don't know how to cope with it.
I am crying as I write this, sorry. I am trying to focus on the here and now, but it's so hard. I feel hollow, and full at the same time, totally overwhelmed. For the first time in a long time I thought of suicide today to escape this pain. And here I am alone, enduring it. I just want this to have never have happened, and it did, and I can't take it.
