I am posting this for everybody who does not believe there will be a new beginning. There can be and you might find it when you least expect it.
I was beaten down like so many here by discovering my XH's infidelity. Dropped down from 130 pounds to 110 pounds in 2 weeks, could not sleep, could not eat, could not focus, was on anti-depressants, in denial, rug sweeping, fighting for my marriage while he was actively cheating on me - you name it. I was the ultimate doormat.
XH was a master blameshifter and for a long time I believed that I was at fault for the failure of our marriage, that I was 'Nothing', that my kids did not love me and always would choose him, that I was not succesful at my job and that I was not desirable as a woman and a person.
XH and I did in-house separation from May 2012 - October 2012. There were many nights he stayed with OW and I laid in bed and cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep. I thought the pain would never stop. I wanted to never wake up, just die and if it had not been for my children, I am not sure what I would have done.
XH moved out October 2012, filed in November 2012 and the divorce was final in May 2013.
In December 2012 I met a man whom I really liked from the first time I set eyes on him but who - judging the book by its cover - did not seem to be the right fit for me. He was older than me and we had very different backgrounds. But he was treating me well, was a wonderful dancer, told me I was beautiful, invited me out on a date but I said 'no': I was not in a place yet to date and was wondering if he was the right person because he did not fit the bill.
Well, last month I ran into him again and realized that judging a book by its cover is stupid and short-sighted. I saw him across the bar and realized I was about to miss out on a wonderful, solid man. So I decided that night to make a move and I sought him out and went to where I knew he would be, scared to death of being rejected after I had rebuffed him six months earlier. It took all my courage to do that, stepping out of my comfort zone but some little inner voice told me it was so worth it.
He was so gracious and warm, I cannot tell you how he humbled me. He reached out to me the next day, he made me feel welcome and I never felt akward for seeking him out.
He asked me to join him in a church activity and I did to show him I was making an effort.
Since then we have gone to church togehter every Sunday and Thursday and we have gone dancing together as well and it has been wonderful, leaving me to want more.
Tomorrow we will meet at church and then after that we will head to a fleemarket to find treasures together. Who knows what else the day will bring; I am not overthinking this and am just enjyoing his company and will go with the flow. He is very attractive with his tan skin and white hair, he is tall and in great shape and all I want is for him to hug me and hold me while we talk and enjoy each others' company.
He is a true gentlemen, making me feel very, very special and he surprises me all the time with the things I learn about him, whether it is the books he reads, the experiences he has or the movies he likes.
He has called me twice this week to let me know I am on his mind and he just wanted to say 'Hello' to make sure I know he is thinking about me. I did stop by church for Bible Study on my way to work Thursday evening to just spend five minutes with him and to let him know I care and that he is important to me.
It is 10 p.m. PST and I know 12 hours from now I will see him at church. At age 44, I am giddy and as excited as a teenager. I can't wait to see him tomorrow, have him sit next to me in prayer, reach out and touch him, spend time with him driving down to the fleemarketand listening to music and spending the day with him. I am hoping tomorrow will never end and that I will be able to wake up with him on Monday.
If you had told me just 2 months ago that I would feel this way - I would have said, 'no way'. And yet, tonight, I find myself not wanting to wait until tomorrow to see him. I would have never, ever, ever, ever thought this was possible as I was going through my separation and divorce.
I hope for all of you that you will experience this feeling again at some point or another.
