I feel like an idiot. A desperate woman who can't live without a man who keeps breaking her trust. Dday #3 was a week ago today. My WH has a seeming addiction to inappropriate electronic relationships with other women, both over the internet and through text. I've caught him 2 previous times. The first, he had left his cell phone at home while he was out doing something, and it turned out to be a woman he had met on facebook and was texting. I was devastated. I cried, he cried, he blamed it on us growing apart because of work (he worked nights, I worked days). I gave him an ultimatum, he cut contact with the woman. I felt relieved it was never physical, but I was still disturbed by his need to connect with someone other than him. But, things seemed to get way better. Maybe a year later, I caught him again. This time, I noticed how distant he seemed, how involved in his phone he was getting. I noticed that he was not answering calls every now and then. I followed my suspicions, and low and behold, it was happening again. This time, he had reconnected via facebook with an ex-girlfriend that lived out of state. The messages were all there in black and white, with even more in his text messages, and phone calls to and from her on his phone record. Even worse, his messages alluded to him being "deprived" and that he loved me but "needed it more than once a month." She was moving to the state next to us, a mere 5 hour drive, a fact they had discussed. I decided to through his email and found yahoo chat messages where he had attempted to contact webcam girls in chat rooms, all saying how much I wasn't fulfilling his physical needs. This time, my ultimatum included counseling for him, access to all of his accounts and records, a no chat rooms or webcams agreement. Things got better. He changed jobs, our schedules actually came together and we were seeing more of eachother. We were seemed physically and emotionally synched and all was well. I would occasionally peek at his email, phone messages, facebook account and internet history, but never found anything wrong. If he had a new facebook friend that was female, I'd ask about her and he always had an explanation about her being related, or work with her, or married to someone. He stopped seeing his therapist. All seemed great.
Then Tuesday night. I got a facebook message from some woman I didn't know from the other side of the country. It was extremely cryptic, but obvious in its message, "Better YOU than ME. Good luck with that MAN of yours." I immediately looked at my WH and asked who she was and why I was getting rude messages from her. He denied having any idea why she messaged me, it must be a mistake, she's a welder that is facebook friends with so and so, she friended me, I've never talked to her... And I told him, I'm asking her who she is, and she will tell me. Do you want to confess and tell me or do you want her to. He broke down, told me "it's more of the same."
I blew up. AGAIN! I went through his phone. He deleted all traces. Except his internet browser on his phone. He had been on chat hook up sites again, the "guaranteed to hook up locally" sites.
This time, I decided I was done. We are divorcing. But I've caved again. I don't want to put my kids through another divorce, and as weak as it makes me feel, I love him. I have to be contributing to this somehow, if not just the fact that I've enabled it to keep happening by sweeping everything under the rug and not holding him accountable to his promises.
He says he doesn't know why he's doing it. He says he's happy. We have sex- great sex. Maybe not as often as when we first met, but at least every couple weeks. Why am I not enough?
We're going to a counselor next week. I feel like such a failure. I love him. This has to stop. What am I doing? Am I a complete and hopeless idiot? Help me
