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anonymous823 (original poster member #39433) posted at 11:35 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013
Today I haven't contacted my F. I just feel like it's easier to live just not caring about him sometimes.
He's texted me and I've responded but I feel like today I don't care and I just resent the situation. I mean I have this luxury because we are long distance but it feels good to not be paranoid.
He voluntarily checks in but said he felt like I was a warden sometimes because I always triple check his words, even if it's clear he's telling the truth. He says he doesnt check on me as a result of my revenge affair because he'd rather trust me. My revenge affair lasted a few weeks - we never even physically met- and it was an EA while he had a local in person EA for 6 months,I dont see a comparison. Honestly, I hate the check ins because they are a reminder of how messed up we are and I hate the idea of having to double check everything. I wish I could just trust my mate.
Today I'm no warden, just free and it feels good.
Anybody else just randomly go no contact sometimes? I wonder how common this is.
[This message edited by anonymous823 at 5:40 PM, June 17th (Monday)]
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:43 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013
All the time 
I usually do it when I am having a really bad day. WH always notices and I always tell him the same thing 'I'm not having a good day' to which he replies 'why?' Well let's see... you cheated 
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:29 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013
I can think of 2 reasons I've detached, and there are probably other reasons that I just can't think of.
First, I've detached out of anger. That has never worked out well except as a way to gather my thoughts, feelings, and strengths so that I can confront and resolve the issue (and it's often my own problem).
Second, I've done it out of love an respect - that is, recognizing my W is not me or an extension of me, and I like that about her.
You didn't ask, but an EA can hurt a BS as much as a PA does. In fact, if it doesn't, IMO something fishy may be going on with your WSO. Also, since your WS thinks of you as his warden, it sounds like he may be stuck in a lousy place, IMO.
He's responsible for his own healing. Detaching from a WS who isn't healing is probably very good for your own recovery. So that's a 3rd reason for detaching - self-protection.
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:30 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 5:40 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013
I do sometimes..it's easier.
I have to comment on your RA. Regardless if it's length,an affair is an affair. You had an affair. You need to own that and work on your issues,just as your WH needs to. Saying you don't see the comparison is typical WS minimizing. Also,him saying he doesn't check on you is fine..for him. How he handles your affair can be completely different from the way you handle his.
Also,if he sees your need for reassurance and your questioning him as warden-like,he doesn't sound remorseful,or in any way understanding of the damage he has done.
[This message edited by confused615 at 11:41 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 6:27 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013
Yes and it scares me. Spouses should turn towards each other during times of unhappiness but when I hear that he's been to a restaurant where he took with of them or if I see them out and about, I detach. I usually go for a walk and am pretty quiet. He does notice. I just can't help it. It's better than ripping him a new one, I guess.....
Beemer ( member #38499) posted at 9:47 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013
yes, yes, yes!
I'm in a period of detachment right now... at the start of this whole mess I told myself that I would wait a year before making any decisions... well my antiversary was 2 weeks ago and I still don't know what I want to do.
I feel like I'm detaching to allow myself to really sort through my feelings - as a way to make up my OWN mind wihout any influence from Him or anyone else...
BW - Me (33)
FWH - Him (34)
Married - 8years
D-Day - 06/06/12
Status - Trying...things are good :)
HurtButHoping12 ( member #34918) posted at 3:10 AM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2013
Yes, every so often when things bog down my mind and I get overwhelmed with the situation, I detach. We are a few weeks from the Antiversary and I find myself detaching more every day :(
BW (me):31
WH (guiltfilled11): 32
together 12 years, married 6 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 8, DS 6, DD 4
MystiKay ( member #36401) posted at 5:43 AM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2013
Yes. But Almost a year out from DD2, they aren't happening as often. I think that is a good thing.
NotDefeatedYet ( member #33642) posted at 7:44 AM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2013
I think for me it's a defense mechanism. I am constantly prepared for the worst, because I now know what the worst feels like.
"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."
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