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I recently had (multiple) truth sessions with my partner- he assured me going into the last conversation that he could forgive me and move on no matter what, that we had been together 10 years and that our love was strong enough as long as he had the truth. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't ready to open up, that he had done some things before and after finding out about the affair that made me unsure of his motives/stability/truthfulness. As we spent time getting to know each other all over again, I began to trust him and he immediately pushed for the information to "rip the bandaid off"- I had not been thinking about the affair- I was still afraid to acknowledge it or think about the questions/answers he had. It took me multiple conversations to be forthcoming and I had lied in our initial conversation on D-day after he became drunk and aggressive to which he is still comparing the answers I give now that he is sober.

He is now not trusting what was said in our final conversation and questioning the same things over and over again. He doesn't seem to understand the emotional side of the affair- believing it has to be more raunchy and physical than I have indicated- though I strayed because he literally didn't speak to me after work, let alone look at me, cook with me- he became a drunk zombie.

I was wrong, I should have worked harder and pushed sobriety and therapy- I escaped. I want to move forward with him, he said that was what he wanted too. Now he goes back and forth from some of the most hateful things I've heard a person speak to the possibility of a future/asking me for more truth to be able to trust me/telling me he loves me more than anything. I don't know what to do here. I don't know how one is supposed to act.

I don't want him to be upset/hurt or to hurt either of us, but I hate to leave him to deal with everything because I don't want him to feel abandoned. I want him to know I am here- I am ready to fight the fight- I have seen the people we are capable of being through therapy and I am ready to work for that, for us.

He seems hell bent on the back and forth opinions and some form of revenge. He keeps saying he wants to hurt the man that I was with or that he needs to go out and sleep with someone to make the hurt of me doing so seem smaller in his mind. I don't think either of these are going to help us move forward, but I don't know how to help him here. I don't know how to break through this wall that I built.

I don't know what your DDay is but if it's close to your registration date then what he is saying is common. My SO wanted to punch OM and wanted to have a RA. He would sit there for hours thinking of ways to get revenge on OM and on me. He also got drunk at one point. He's gotten angry and punched walls and threw things. He's shut me out and didn't talk to me for days and other times we'd have 5-6 hour long convos in which he would question me every way possible. Repeating questions I'd already answered. Speaking as a BSO myself I questioned him constantly. Same questions over and over. Once you've been betrayed it becomes difficult to believe what the person is saying as opposed to what you imagine or deduced from the proof you have.

Also this:

though I strayed because he literally didn't speak to me after work, let alone look at me, cook with me- he became a drunk zombie.

You strayed for a different reason. You could have gone to MC. Talked to him about the issues or left. You chose to cheat. Why you chose to cheat is not centered on what he did but on why this was an okay decision for you. Dig for your real reason.

Hi Trying,

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I had a similar situation when my husband discovered my A. He was verbally abusive before, after D-Day the verbal abuse was multiplied by 100x, there was also physical, mental and emotional abuse.

I stayed because I felt that I deserved everything that I was getting from my husband because of what I had done. We went through 2 months of absolute hell while I TT the details. I was afraid of him.

We decided to try MC and part of that was Anger Mgmt for him. I take full responsibility for my A, but he has had to recognize how his abuse contributed to an environment where I wanted to escape. Am I a coward for not leaving years ago? Am I a coward for not calling the police when he became physical after D-day? I still don't know the answer to these questions.

If you are not in MC, I would get there ASAP. Even then, you don't know what the future will hold. My H had his own A while we were in MC and I thought working through our problems. Now we have more probs to deal with.

It sounds like you are still very close to your D-Day. I wish you luck and hope that your H will calm down soon so you can begin to heal.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Unagie- Thank you for your honesty on both accords. I have found it difficult for others to relate to his behavior- but there is a place inside of me that feels at least to some extent if I was a BSO that I would exhibit some of these symptoms. I also want to thank you for your point about my choices. Maybe I don't yet have the answer to that. I know myself and others have pointed to the environment he created around that, but I am intrigued by the idea you suggest to keep looking for the answer within. I could have tried other options- I should really understand why I did what I did.

Ashamed14- Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry you are dealing with this as well. I have felt exactly like you have shared- I sit and wonder now if I should have just called the police- I struggle with my love for him and the finality (or maybe even worse things not ending) of calling the cops. I completely understand he is in a place of hurt and struggling with a loss of control. How are things now with you and your H? We were in MC until this truth session- he has missed our last two weeks- he says he will not go back because I lied there- I had kept something from him that I knew would be difficult for him to hear and chose to wait until after the session alone to share rather than to put him through it in front of her, he I believe is using it as an excuse not to go back, I think he 100% understands why I waited until the session was over. Who knows. I want to go back, I thought it was amazing for us. I am afraid he will have a RA- which I believe will just confuse things even more, like it seems to have for you. I feel like there is nothing right about what I did, but we were in a horrible place and have learned so much and a RA now while we strive for R is just a whole other ballgame of hurt.