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This NC he is doing is a bitch! Should it not be me who did it to him? Yes, it is a blessing but it is bugging the shit out of me. I don't know why it is bothering me so much? Maybe because I know I truly didn't do anything to him. I am still civil when it is about the kids and nice and try to stay clam when he sends me little crumbs of messages or cusses at me.

It is like I am the one that did all this shit and I am being punished. WHY IS THIS BOTHERING ME SO BAD?

I do think it is because... Wait for it... I am not in control of it! There I said it. Because I can not control him to be civil or nice to me. I can't control he doesn't want to be remorseful, because I can't understand why he doesn't want me. Why he could do this to me. Yes, I know I am or did allow this to be done to me and let it get under my skin but now I am trying to figure out why the hell it is bugging me so bad?

Does anyone have a answer?

I keep picking about the 19 years we were together and do not like what I am seeing or starting to understand. I get so angry at myself and at him how I was treated.

To me love should be easy and respect for a love one should be given. I don't think I really got those things unless he wanted to give it to me on his time.

This has been a messed up relationship for along time and I was willing to do anything to work to make it better. HELLO... why was I the only one that was willing to put a 100% into this and go above and beyound.

I don't wish him harm or bad will. But, I do wish that one day he will see what he had and feel like a fool for letting it go when all he had to do was do the real work to better himself as a partner.

I am rambling but I am so PISSED! Do you know I can't even cry anymore? I just can't. I cry over being broke, living paycheck to paycheck and get stress out about all the shit I have taken on because of his choices. But, I have not cried over him in so long. I mean really cried. I just sit and star off into space thinking.. thinking of everything. I read alot of slef help books and see the.. Oh Shit that is me... or oh shit that was us...

Being slapped in the face with reality is hard. Maybe I was living in a toxic bubble...that became a safe place in my head because it was comfortable to me. Maybe I was ADDICITED to the drama, got use to it, and when the drama is gone I don't know what to do? Maybe I can't comperhened rejection and know when to give up.

I am just as broken as he is but in different ways. My heart aches because it is broken, My head hurts because I am spinning my wheels for some sort of closure, and the broken part of me still wants my wh.

Those broken parts are starting to come back togeher like a puzzle that has missing part that were lost. And now I am trying to find where they need to be put back in the puzzle to make it whole again.

Just wish it would speed up.

Thanks for listening to my vent.

FTG.

Who says HE'S NCing YOU?

YOU NC HIM! "oh you weren't speaking to me? I didn't notice, I'm too busy LIVING MY LIFE and being awesome to care if you're talking to me or not."

(((((((Faithful)))))))

itaniteasy,

I keep telling myself that. Trust me. It is easy to say than do... BUT, I am learning.

I am so greatful to have you all and your support to keep cheering me on. I need it.. Man, do I need it.

One day at a time and keep my eyes open to see the process that I am making. I am proud of myself for truely seeing myself now and what I allow and what I need to fix. I was in such denial!

It can't be easy to lay open your entire 19 yr relationship and realize that he treated you horribly for such a long time.

I get not being in control of it.

Take back the control. You go dark on him. Let him think he has the upper hand. Let him think he's pissing you off. I'm sure the reaction he wants from you is begging him for his attention.

Don't give it to him. He wants that ego stroke. He doesn't deserve it.

You ARE awesome. You ARE amazing. You ARE worthy of someone who's love comes to you from a never ending well----not someone who witholds love and affection as a punishment for crap they THINK you did.

One day at a time.

I'm glad you're pissed. I think sometimes when you're angry enough, your head clears, and the you that's deep inside speaks up and says "that's it. We're done. FTG." And you really begin to separate from the hurt and the pain.

Be angry! But be too busy to care what he does or says---or doesn't say.

((((((((((((((((FaithfulAmazingAwesomeWoman))))))))))))

Aww, you just made my day!!! You really did.. I am sitting here smiling.

Thank you! I needed that!

I'm so happy I could do that for you.

Just remember, it's all the truth. You are everything I said you were.

I've had lots of times I wasn't able to cry. I think especially about the cheating. I've been so mad about other things, the cheating just seemed less important to be upset about..

I think you are 1/2 of an unhealthy relationship, right? And he's the other half? So if this was ever gonna be healthy again, you would have to work on your co-dependency issues, and he would have to work on his abusive issues. And you would both have to want to work on yourselves.. And if he doesn't work on himself, he's just going to be abusive in his next relationship. And if you don't work on yourself, you are going to be co-d in your next relationship. So whether he's doing what he is supposed to or not (obviously he's not right now), then you still have work to do on yourself to be part of a healthy relationship in the future. Forget him. Fuck him. Just focus on you right now. That would be necessary whether you stayed with him or not. Having all this NC with him gives you more time to work on your own issues.

I agree with itainteasy. Go dark on his ass and don't care what he's saying or not saying. You are much too busy to give a shit what he thinks..

Hugs..

Butterfly,

Honey I know I am the showcase girl for co-d. Shit, I see it now and I think I always did but was in denial. Who wants to think of themselves as a doormat.. I mean come on... Not me... I am just a nice person...NOT!

Oh I understand completely what you are saying to me. I am just pissed about everything and I am working on my issuses. Actually I am embracing it even thu I don't like it.

It is all been eye opening to me these last few weeks. But, I am proud of myself for seeing it now and not being in denial about it and WANTING to change it.

As for him... I can't worry about him or what he is doing to change. I do know, like you said that if he doesn't he will take it into a new relationship or with me if WE were to ever get back together, and I can't have that in my life any longer. I know this.

You are one smart cookie Butterfly.... You also have helped me see alot in the last few days.