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imagoodwitch (original poster member #23375) posted at 1:44 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
What is the allure of an A?
I could be an OW tomorrow if the mood hits.
I think about having sex with someone other than WS and then I think it would probably be horrible and I would be wracked with guilt so that's a motivator to not have an RA.
WS is the King of rationalization.
How do you convince yourself that an A is a good idea?
The guilt would kill me.
I hate being in/getting into trouble, I have since I was a kid.
Even though there is no emotional connection with WS, an A, actually committing to an A is just something I think about to pass the time but the logistics and potential fallout stop me in my tracks.
I get flirted with, it's nice to a point, but then I get super creeped out, creeped out to the point that I want to carry a bat around with me 
I just don't get it.
Thanks for letting me get that little nugget out of my head.
Ordinary average everyday sane psycho super goddess
Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 1:48 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
One word: Compartmentalization
You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
Thiscantbhapning ( new member #39601) posted at 2:59 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
The number one thing that stops me from a RA is losing the respect of my children.
BS (Me)-48
WH-49
COW-28
PA-5 1/2 months
D-Day 5-8-11 (Happy Mother's Day to me)
Married 26 years
DS-24
DD-22
Trying to R
"Maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up."
Kajem ( member #36134) posted at 3:02 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
One word: Compartmentalization
^^^^ I would add His.
Another word Integrity - Yours.
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - UnknownRelationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
imagoodwitch (original poster member #23375) posted at 3:03 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
I don't worry so much about my kids losing respect for me.
They have seen what has transpired over the last 4 years or so. They have "seen" their father and probably wouldn't blame me.
I would blame me.
If its that bad, D and move on, don't torture your spouse by having an A.
Ordinary average everyday sane psycho super goddess
Jospehine85 ( member #35971) posted at 3:20 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
Compartmenatlization? Oh maybe for some.
I think others it is simply impulse control and poor boundaries allow them to take the first step (Ex: accepting the AP's initial proposition while drunk)
Then I think the brain starts a justification process to help them squelch the feelings of guilt.
Me - BS
WH - old
Kids
Dday May 2012
Thiscantbhapning ( new member #39601) posted at 3:27 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
You're right. Actually, losing my self-respect would be worse.
BS (Me)-48
WH-49
COW-28
PA-5 1/2 months
D-Day 5-8-11 (Happy Mother's Day to me)
Married 26 years
DS-24
DD-22
Trying to R
"Maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up."
Hearthache again ( member #28564) posted at 4:32 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
I can even think about it. I never have. Yes I have had a few sexual fantasies but most included my H in some way or another.
Now It makes me sick to think about it. I don't know if the emotional trauma of what my H did to me is the reason or just growing past the fantasies of it.
I do sometimes fantasies about being single. Not about the sex part but being free so to speak.
Me-BS(34)
Him-WS(37)
Married-14 years together 15
Kids 4: 17, 14, 10, and 5
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
RightTrack ( member #36976) posted at 6:25 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
I have found that it is just plain easier to live honestly.
dazzledbyedward ( new member #36526) posted at 8:23 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2013
I feel the same way. I just don't get it.
I asked my husband to explain it to me because I seem to be not inteligent enough to undertstand this allure.
Being adored by sb new is always exciting but crossing the boundries of your marriage and disrespecting your family is cruel.
I agree with those saying they would never lose self-respect, but I guess some people are simply broken and indifferent to hurting others.
The thought that my husband is one of those people killed me inside. Did I choose wrong?
When you see a ILY text from your husband to a coworker he barely knows, he never sees outside the work, he never calls just texts, you lose yourself forever.
What is wrong with them?
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