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I used to know who I was and what my beliefs were. When my WS cheated - I was blown off my foundation. We didn't deal with it well, WS refused to give answers/insight and I was wallowing in my grief. We were 'rug-sweepers'. I read somewhere to 'fake it until you make it' so I tried to do that...only I never made it. My advice to any newbies is NOT to fake it, take the hard hits as they come and work through them. I reconnected with an old friend, a couple years pass and then I too become a WS. I am trying to keep NC, I have no excuses for my behavior.

There is a huge gulf between faking it until you make it and rugsweeping.

Fake it till you make it assumes you are committed and working on the relationship and have some days when you just want to throw the covers over your head and say fuck it all. Or days when it is all you can do to not throw his shit all over the lawn and clean the toilet with his toothbrush. But on those days you still put effort into the marriage, do things that help you stay connected and ride it out.

Rugsweeping is ignoring the BS's pain and the WS's need to explore what they did and why. It is slapping a freaking happy face over a gaping wound. The wound becomes infected. No healing happens.

Are you in MC or IC?

Cat

I agree with Cat on the difference between fake it til you make it and rugsweeping. Fake it til you make it can be done by both the BS and the WS, but both still have work to do.

So, are you trying to keep NC or are you keeping NC? What do you mean by try? If it helps...think of Yoda. No try. Do, or do not. There is no try. Of course, you have to say it in his voice or it really doesn't have the same impact.

Maintaining NC, it's only been 1 1/2 wks but I want to contact AP daily.

What are you and your H doing now to address the individual and marital issues?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:24 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

I plan to address the counseling need this weekend. He did some IC after his A but always seemed that his 'why' was whatever the topic of the evening was. He didn't look further and eventually stopped going.

SR,

My H had an A a very long time ago, pretty early in our M. We 'worked through it', which meant pretty much what you said---we rugswept. He didn't want to talk about it too much, we went to MC and IC for a short time, and life continued. (I wish we had SI back then!)

All these unresolved issues popped up years later. I had multiple As, he had a few minor indiscretions through the years.

I'm not using his A in 1994 as an excuse for my poor choices and terrible behavior. I'm just saying that I can relate to what you are saying and I want to let you know that we have worked through the issues and continue to work on our M.

We are reconciled and our M is healthier than ever. We have grown and fixed stuff in ourselves that needed addressing.

You and your H can get there if you're both willing to do the necessary work.

Thanks authentic now.

SR,

I can totally relate to what you are saying.

My H, who is on here at SI, had an EA 18 yrs ago. We rugswept it, not knowing really what else to do. But it damaged us, and I knew he was not maintaining boundaries with other women where he worked for the next 18 yrs. I rugswept that too. It damaged me, it compromised who I was. I became angry. Someone I didn't know anymore. And when I finally moved out, I did the thing that I never thought I would do. I slept with someone else.

I felt the same way as you. Who was this person that could make this decision? That has been a hard question for me. I always knew who I was, my beliefs, and I didn't waver from them. Only this time I did. It can make you feel lost, I get that. But you can pick up the pieces, start putting them back together, in a healthy way. Rebuild who you are, fix those broken parts of you that made these decisions. And then you will find yourself again and you will remember who you are again.

Good luck, and welcome to SI.