SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HI,

I am new here. I had been pretty much happily married for 13 yrs and together for 18yrs. We have an 8 yr old son who we both adore. H has had a 6wk affair with his assistant at work who is 11 years his junior and an ex busty barmaid. She is 6yrs younger than me, slim where i am fat, confident where I am insecure etc etc. The affair started as an EA but progressed rapidly into a PA then back to an EA which H claims only happened cos he was scared she would tell me about their relationship.

I didn’t even know we were even having problems. The last week in Feb she started working with him. By the first weekend they were texting around the clock, I knew nothing of this. He says he just wanted the attention and a new friend. He was attracted to her do what you want when you want blase attitude. Then week 2 things continued with them getting closer as ‘friends’. Week 3 they go for a cigarette break together and she used H’s lighter. When they got back in the office she put it down her top and told him to come and get it, sadly he did. A day or so later he kissed her twice at work the first a peck and the second to show her ‘ he was his own man and could do what he wanted when he wanted.

All this time as they were talking she went moody if he mentioned me, so he stopped doing so. She was also constantly telling him things like, oh you shouldn’t have to run errands, help with housework, decorate, etc. She was telling him how he had no life of his own and should be free to do what he wants. Obviously she doesn’t understand marriage. He was at a low point with turning 40, starting a stressful new job and dealing with my diagnosis of a lifelong health problem. Although tbf he didn’t have that much to do with my problems as he couldn’t handle them, it became my problem and something he could moan to her about. All she wanted to talk about was light hearted jokey stuffand she loved hearing him complain about his life cos it meant she could put her poison in.

H started to think about his future with me and was listening to all her ‘advice’ and really got his head twisted. He is a naive people pleaser and was just thrilled to have this attentive new friend. Sadly he stopped seeing me and thinking of me and she became like an obsession to him. He started wondering if he wanted the single life she was advertising to him – do what you want when you want, and the married life with responsibilities and a wife with health problems.

Anyway, the kiss was apparently terrible. He decided that was that, he had gone too far and wanted no more. He came home to me and said he had to have some time to himself to unwind so i sent him out to our local to watch a band. He was texting her all night as usual but towards the end of the night she suddenly said she was leaving her date and would pick him up in 5 mins to give him a lift home. He saw no harm in this and agreed. He had had 3 pints of cider and his guard was down. She said let’s drive around a bit and talk so they did, not about anything special or sexy he says. Then she asked where they could park cos she was wasting petrol and he directed her to a car park. They sat and talked some more and then she started talking about her outfit she had worn for her date saying she rarely wears dresses and what did he think. Then she got back in the car and told him she was wearing sexy underwear to. She asked did he want to see but before he could answer she lifted her skirt and asked if he wanted to touch. He says he was not thinking clearly and was flattered to be seduced so he did. He masturbated her for a few minutes. Sorry if TMI but it’s a weird situation. There was no kissing etc involved. He said he just did what was expected of him so as not to offend her cos he had put himself in the situation so he had to go thru with it! when he stopped she looked at the back seat and asked if he wanted to he said no but she replied why not she will never know and we have already crossed the line. well they did it but only just, he was not really hard and it was a two minute fumble then he pulled out and said no I can’t do it. They got back in the front and she drove off again refusing to take him home. She even took him to a petrol station to fill her car up for her! She did eventually bring him home. Not once did she touch him in any way. He said it was like sex with a blow up doll and didn’t understand her seduction when she was clearly not interested.

The next morning, although he swore he had behaved on his night out and i had no idea, he as very sweet and said i am not going out without you ever again it was a rubbish night and nothing is fun without you. As you can imagine i was flattered not knowing why he was saying these things.

The next 3 wks the texting continued but there was no more physical contact. He swears he only did that cos he was scared she would tell me what had happened. She had him jumping through hoops. doing her work for her, taking her to the sunbed shop, filling her car etc. All the while making weird comments like i bet you think i am a bunny boiler!

Eventually after losing 2 stone and being horrible to me for weeks saying he didn’t know if he loved me etc he brought her here for me to do her nails!! I will never get over that. I am sat there chatting away with a customer not know ing what had gone on. In a way i am glad though cos i noticed straight off she was a bit wacko. She kept dropping hints about all she knew of our relationship and how close she and h were. She then told me i had no need to be jealous cos she is a lesbian but uses men for what she wants. She said she can go thru the motions but hates sex with men. H did say she was totally unresponsive to him later. After hours of outstaying her welcome she stormed out in tears and i was left wondering wf! So i started questioning H. Their affair ended the moment she met me, as he had hoped meeting me made her give up. Before this she had been following him homw in his car and making veiled threats so he figured bringing her here and basically saying ‘here is my wife who i love no f off!’

This is where over a month of verbal abuse and trickle truth started. Somewhere in the middle i took and overdose. This was not my husband! What was happening to my world! Tehn H found my dad dead in bed and was wonderful, he took charge of the funeral etc and was there for me 100% he was still looking very ill though. Eventually he told me out of the blue he was leaving me. He came back an hour later and said he couldn’t do it, he didn’t men it he was trying to get away from the truth. It all came out. The worst part was he didn’t use a condom and slept with me unprotected just a couple of weeks later. We have both had recurrent thrush since but thankfully nothing worse.

Since then H has been in pieces. I have never seen anyone so devastated by their actions. I have also obviously been struggling very hard,wondering did i ever know him, how, why just how could this happen to us!! We were the strongest couple around, everyone said so. We had been through so much yet all it took to destroy it was a little tart at a time of stress. He has accepted full responsibility, has applied for a new job, had become very loving and sympathetic with me. He even took me for a quiet weekend away to rebond (hb!)

we want to reconcile, we are doing ok. I am really struggling still though with the how and why. It make me bitter and angry and cold towards him. I know we can’t move forward like this but it has only been 2 months since i know of the ea and 3 weeks since i knew off the sex.

He says he was ina situation he didn’t want, he didn’t invite her on his night out and didn’t want what happened and that the relationship only continued after cos she had him over a barrel. Is this even possible. How could he ‘go through the motions’ and not feel anything. I am really struggling with this.

I also hate him touching me like he touched her and that was one of our fav things in bed. I made him throw his wedding ring away cos that was the hand he ‘used’ on her. I told him it was broken now anyway. It didn’t stop him did it.

any advice an surviving this will be hugely appreciated. I am sorry it’s so long but i needed to get it out.

(((Hugs)))

I don't have any real advice as things are still pretty raw for me.

I have found that journaling EXACTLY what is making me angry helps. The more I write it the less it seems to have a hold on me. My husband said he could have stopped but didn't - makes me so angry to think he had time to put a condom on (thankfully) so he obviously wanted to do it. Ugh!!!!! I sometimes give him a kiss and think about how he had his lips on hers and want to puke. So yeah it sucks but it helps to get it out over and over.

Olwen, honey, be prepared for TT (trickle truth). You've already experienced some. It's where they tell you some truth, then they say "that's it, that's all there is to know" basically, and then you later find out more. First your WH told you it was just an EA, then over a month later he said it was a PA just once. Well, be prepared for more, it's pretty typical. And it's also very typical for a WS to claim it was terrible sex, just once, they never kissed, they stopped and said no, blah blah blah.... most often, it's all lies.

Are you guys in marriage counseling (MC)? Are you in individual counseling (IC) and him as well? Get some support asap, it's very important to work through this. You seem to have theories on a lot of the "why's" that your WH had an affair, but many of them are just superficial and need to be explored further to get to the real reason. He's a people pleaser, sure, but WHY did he go far enough to have sex with someone else?

This had nothing to do with you at all, this was totally because of his own damage and not you OR the state of your marriage. I hope you know that! It doesn't matter what she looked like versus you, even supermodels are cheated on often so surely looks has nothing to do with it either. The common denominator in cheating? The damaged WS.

Certainly all if the above suggestions are the best way to go about recovering from his A. Get both of you tested for STDs, unprotected sex is unprotected sex... It's the right thing to do.

Thank you for your kind responses.

Knowing, I dragged him to the clinic the day after I found out and we got fully tested. Thankfully all he had picked up was a bacterial infection and thrush. Since then we have both been treated.Never had thrush in my life so I know it came from her.

Does it get better - I really hope there is no more tt, I don't think I could handle it. It took him months to tell me bit by bit as things cropped up and he couldn't deny it, like my accessing phone records and getting thrush. The final truth about the sex seemed to open the floodgates though and it all poured out. He did confess that to me in the end of his own accord and it felt like he had told me everything as he gave me all the details - and I do mean all the gory details right down to what knickers she was wearing. I think all that is to come out is the details he can't remember and the emotions and reasons involved. HE is going to start posting himself and is currently writing the story out and little things are coming back to him.My gut tells me there is a bit more to come but hopefully nothing as bad as the big revelations.I am scared though. The emotions are the hardest part to deal with. He told me he only considered a relationship with her between the lighter incident and the kisses. Two days. Now he tells me the 'relationship feelings' lasted from pretty much day1 as it was her personality and attitude he fell for. He didn't want her physically but he did become obsessed with her.It really hurts.

Princess - thanks for your kind words and I hope things pick up for you soon. I will keep posting, I really need an outlet.

x

hugs to you....i am glad that you joined...the people on SI have helped me so much...i know they can help you too. what the others have said it right.

i think what is most important right now, is taking care of you and getting in to see a really good therapist that has some experience with infedelity. you can vent, share your pain, and let it all out with a therapist who will also give you sound advice, and help you discover your boundaries moving forward. i hope you consider it. i have been seeing mine for the last 2 years since all this crap and it has been a big help.

come here often....it helps.

Hi olwen,

Welcome to SI.

Well, quite frankly, yours is one of the few stories I have read about that I actually believe what the WS has told the BS.

This actually does sound like an extremely unstable, manipulative, probably borderline personality disorder/ sociopathic OP that seriously did a number on your H.

Not to absolve him of his responsibility in all this, but I do believe he was 'played'.

I think you two have an EXCELLENT chance at recovery as long as your H shows continual honesty, transparency, hard work and willingness to repair the damage he has done.

How could he ‘go through the motions’ and not feel anything.

I do believe this is possible, especially in a situation in which a man may feel that if he didn't 'go thru with it' he would feel 'less than a man'.

Best of luck to you both.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 1:18 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

[This message edited by silentlucidity at 3:56 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Thank you all, Unfortunately there is no money there at all for counselling

tough night last night. He is writing it all down for me. He told me last night that he was obsessed with her, was flattered by the seduction so he enjoyed it at first. IT was a new woman, a novelty, he was curious, we hadn't had sex in a couple months, he figured that after all that had gone on he had already broken the marriage and he may as well go through with it. He said that as soon as his hand touched her rather than her knickers he knew it was wrong and it felt wrong.

He has told me all along he had no feeling except friendship.now it turns out he is like every other man and can't resist when it was offered. This morning he is back to saying he just did what he had to and said I took what he said last night wrong. I don't think so.

God it hurts. He is away on business today and overnight. I really hope she is not with him. I don't think so cos he has rung me from the car.

How do I cope when I have no self esteem anyway

First things first Olwen. If you have no self esteem, that's your first priority. You can & will still hurt with self esteem but you need it.

I told my husband "my self worth has NOTHING to do with you or your view of me." Just in case he was wondering.

I guess you would call her my husbands "one true love"? She looks like an old wicked witch of the west. I wish I could show you. I'm attractive, a good partner & wife. This has nothing to do with us.

He was not naive when chickie came to give a ride home. That's not

innocent. We are adults. We know

about body language. Suggestive

nature etc. Don't let him down play

that part.

It is a very positive thing for him to give you a timeline. That sounds most promising to me. Hang in there!

Will you do me a favor & write down what you know are positive attributes that you have? Just for you. Count YOUR blessings & I bet you will be surprised at how you "weigh" out. I bet you are the bomb sister. I bet given the chance your husband couldn't "catch" someone as good as you. Does he want a good catch? I ask because I don't think my husband does.

Thank you hun.

Unfortunately I have mental health issues. I was diagnosed bipolar 2 in October and I think that had something to do with him looking elsewhere. I also have social phobia so I don't go out to busy places. All the time he was with her he was saying horrible things to me eg. I have no life with you. you're dragging me down. I could tell you you're gorgeous sexy and I love you but you're not and I don't.

The day he confessed to sex he actually told me he didn't love me anymore and was leaving. He came back in tears half an hour later and blurted out the truth. Then he was full of apologies and said all the spiteful things he said were to push me away so he wouldn't have to face up to what he had done. He said it was easier to just leave even though he had had no contact with her for weeks and no desire to have anything to do with her again - apart from some very inventive fantasies about hurting her. He said he was not leaving for her but so he would not have to face what he had done.

It's really hard to think of any positives about myself after all that. I know I am kind an loving, faithful and a fighter but I can't find that fight right now.

I also lost my dad in the middle of this, who was only 67 (well 66 he was found dead the day before his 67 birthday. MY meds are helping my bp but I just can't get a grasp on anything. I have not grieved for my dad and as disgusting as this is to say all I can feel is the pain of my wonderful husband cheating.He actually confessed to the sex on father's day. I thought I was going to try to kill myself again. All he could think was he couldn't live with the guilt any longer. Why couldn't he waited a few days to tell me. Another example of pure selfishness I guess.

I can honestly say that until recently I had a great husband. He was caring, supportive - I have had numerous surgeries and mh issues over the years.We went through 2 rounds of ivf and he was great through all that. Everyone called us the strongest couple they knew. We married young and people were amazed at the strength of our love and bond. I even heard someone say if you two ever break up I will know there is no hope for anyone else!

Then 2 years ago an ex contacted him on fb and he flirted furiously with her. She was great and brushed him off but I got an email notification he had a message from her so I looked and saw the whole conversation. I was devastated, he played it down as trying to cheer her up after her most recent break up. he now says he wishes he had realised the significance of this first betrayal instead of downplaying it cos it may have stopped him falling for ow's games.

How do I cope with it all and get my head around what he has done. I love him insanely always have but he has admitted in recent years his love had been less strong.

Now he is being really open and honest, he just can't explain his reasons clearly. HE says one thing then says no that sounded wrong, I mean this, oh god that's not right either, I didn't mean it that way. He is all over the place. He is literally begging for forgiveness, he will do anything,he says it took this destructive selfish act to make him realise his feelings for me. That he had just stopped seeing me as I was unwell and kept my head down so as not to burden my family with my latest depression, he just left me to it and he regrets that so much. He says he can see how distant he was and what a bad husband he turned into. He keeps saying, that's not me how could I do that I didn't even want it. All the usual stuff. When I took his wedding ring away he found his old engagement ring from when we were teenagers and is wearing that now.

I don't know if I can handle what they did but on the other hand it feels like I have my old husband back he is being so loving and attentive. I think the reason he keeps sanitizing what happened is partly because he knows, due to my illness the news will be even harder for me to take. Of course he is protecting himself too but how can I expect him to be honest when I took a huge ovedose and ended up unconscious on a heart monitor for 24 hours!! I am so disgusted I did it but I was a bad place with my illness and he changed the password and email address for the phone records to hide them from me and he was blocking my access to bank accounts. He had decided we were over cos of what he had done so he was separating our lives. He left our shared bank account open but changed details for his which all the bills are paid from. He says it was a panic reaction. I don't remember but in the hospital he was sobbing and repeating it was just texting over and over. He could not admit what had really happened.

It'a all such a mess I don't know how to move forward.

X

Sorry I need to vent before I do something stupid. I am in agony here. I think the shock has worn off and reality hit home. Story 1 - no feelings for her just liked her attitude, kissed to show he could do what he liked when he liked. Sex was not wanted but he felt trapped and didn't want to offend her by saying no. Story 2 which I got last night and he is now denying is he was obsessed by her, the constant texts, working closely 40 hrs a week and texting round the clock when not together. Kissed her cos he wanted me at home and her at work for 'a bit of fun'. Had sex because he didn't want to offend her and had had a few drinks so the temptation was too much to resist when she lifted her skirt and asked him to touch

I was getting my head round story one and now I get a much more likely story only for him to retract it today. HE has been away with work today and out of contact with me (alone he says) he decide to travel back tonight instead of staying over.

I want to kill him, I want to cry, I want him to hold me tight, I want him to hit me so I can feel physical pain instead. I want him to go away and never come back, I can't stand him out of my sight.

someone put me out of my misery please

How are you doing Olwen? I'm thinking about you & hoping things are better!

Thank you. I am getting by, just. Every hour of every day this is all I can think about. H is in pieces too. I think we just need time. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and with my life story that's saying something believe me!

We have just talked and I want to write this new info down so it sinks into my head. Please ignore me if you feel I am talking too much on this thread.

Someone asked why he gave himself permission to have an affair and that struck me as a really important question. It's the key really, why did you let yourself do it?

He immediately answered me whereas in the past he was unsure. we did have problems in our marriage but it was ok really, however when she started working with him and giving him attention every time he moaned about me he spent more and more time thinking badly of me. He started believing his own bull cos it suited him to do so. So he gets feelings for this girl with the attitude, tells himself his marriage is shit and uses this to give himself permission for everything up to the kiss. Then when things turned sexual that night he says he did feel trapped but he gave himself permission to do what she wanted even tho he didn't want to cos he told himself he had already destroyed our marriage. So he went from seeing our marriage as crap and wanting a bit of fun on the side to realising he had destroyed a good marriage and just doing what he felt he 'had to' to keep her quiet.

What a bloody fool!

It does sound honest to me though and it does make sense. He played in a game he is just not fitted for and it blew up in his face. That's my honest opinion.