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Sarah1106 (original poster member #29194) posted at 4:25 AM on Sunday, July 7th, 2013
Hello, I posted a few weeks ago about having a rough nite and I found myself in the midst of another one. XH has the kids for the weekend and I started out ok ( ran a 5k race this morning). But I've really reached a point where I feel like things aren't going to get better - I see an IC, take AD, try to focus on the kids. And, to be brutally honest, there is a part of me that thinks if i could make things look like an accident...
I can't be gentle with myself - I am trying to work fulltime, be a mom to a 5 and 3 yo, and just keep my head above water. I would try to change my AD but from an experience in my 20s, I have a very hard to treat depression and given the lack of good psychiatrists in our small town - well, if Zoloft isn't going to do the trick - I'm not sure they have any idea of what to do next.
I am so scared that this is my life
Rainbows ( member #39362) posted at 5:20 AM on Sunday, July 7th, 2013
I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. Try to remember that you'll move through this and it's temporary.
I'm introverted, as well, so I get how much deeper into the dark we go when we're alone with our thoughts.
Whenever I'm deep in darkness, I force myself to watch a silly, mindless movie. Last time, I laughed and cried so hard to 21 Jumpstreet. It was pretty awful, but got me over the hump that night.
Sending you lots of hugs and light.
There is always a rainbow after every storm.
Blackhair ( member #39451) posted at 5:48 AM on Sunday, July 7th, 2013
Sorry to hear what you are going through, it is hard but we have to believe it will get better.
Today I took my twins to try to do a deal, it was a disaster, they both cried crazy to see strangers. We are still living in the same house while divorcing. I can not picture what the life ahead of me is going to be, very Tough with 5 yrs old and two 8 months old twin boys.
But nothing we can do other than keep going, whenever you feel depressed just get out and do something.
Or great idea to simply post your thought here to share with us, as I am in the same situation.
Hang in there, tomorrow will be better!
M: 10 years both late 40s.
3 Children
DDay: April 2013
Legally separated on Oct 2013.
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!
roughroadahead ( member #36060) posted at 6:29 AM on Sunday, July 7th, 2013
There is a ton you can do besides zoloft. Any psychiatrist who has spent more than 15 minutes in specialty training, no matter how small the town, should be able to offer some suggestions for a more difficult depression.
Be gentle with yourself in baby steps. The first step is to think of something relaxing that you enjoy. I would stay away from alcohol, but if you enjoy trashy novels or funny movies or pampering youself with a fancy smelly bath, a craft project, whatever you enjoyed before. The key is to make sure you're doing something for yourself, no matter how small. It will naturally build on itself with time.
The pain is excruciating, I am still there sometimes myself. As time goes on, recovery is quicker and the time between is longer. I still struggle when the kids are gone. Tell yourself, out loud if you have to, that this is temporary. Now sucks, but it won't last forever.
Doing the 5k was amazing, well done!
BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism
persevere ( member #31468) posted at 9:31 AM on Sunday, July 7th, 2013
Honey it will get better - you just have to keep going and keep getting the help you need.
Also keep posting. Reply often - it helps. (( Hugs))
DDay:2011
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.
gypsybird87 ( member #39193) posted at 7:59 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2013
(((Sarah)))
Sending big hugs to you. I don't have any wise words of advice, all I can say is you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. I never understood how someone could.. ah... you know, until I went through this. I had some very, very dark moments where I thought the same thing. I finally understood feeling pain that is so intense, you feel you cannot bear it for another moment, let alone another day, week, month, or year... and the idea of doing whatever it takes to make that pain stop. It was a very helpless, victimized feeling.
What helped me was focusing on my anger. I could not control anything about his actions but I was determined not to let him defeat me. At times it seemed like a losing battle, but finally I came out of that dark place. You will too, I promise. Your kids need you. Without you, they are going to be left with someone who doesn't understand commitment, and honesty, and doing the right thing. They deserve better, and so do you!
Hang in there.
Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 8:16 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2013
..((((((Sarah)))))))
..hearing you sarah 
..believe in one thing>>>>
'the love that flows BOTH ways between you and your children'
..that special love that no-one and nothing can break..
..that tie, if nothing else, will hold you to keep fighting.
..this is a long journey, i won't try to deny it.. and a bumpy one too!!
..have faith..
smy 
trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think! Me 77 Her 74 Married 52 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumour!
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