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My WH decided that this is the last step before a divorce. He feels that things have gone too far and he needs time? Im confused and hurt by this and I dont want to separate because I feel that is a step toward a divorce. I want my marriage even after his affair but what can I do. Please advice is needed from both WH and BS

[This message edited by BrokenNPieces at 12:51 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Gently, if he is throwing in the towel there is nothing you can do... I'm sorry.

You can't love him back. It doesn't work. And it is possible he is still in the A from what little I can discover reading your other post. (A profile would really help in giving advice and comfort).

I can tell you this - cheating in the first year of marriage does not bode well...

You deserve better! In that he is moving so quickly to S, I'd say go NC with him immediately - let him live life without you. Sometimes you have to risk your marriage to have any hope of saving it -- and sometimes you simply have no choice. Cut him off cold if he leaves. No chit chat, finances only. He has to be the one to pull you back from the edge. Actions not words!

((BrokenNPieces))

[This message edited by Take2 at 1:03 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

You need to focus on yourself. I know that you don't want a divorce, but you need to get an attorney and protect yourself legally.

Do you want your marriage even if he continues to have affairs? Cause I think that's what will happen if you beg for him back. You need to kick him to the curb and tell him he's not welcome back until he is fully committed to you and willing to fix himself and the marriage and help you heal. Doesn't sound like he's willing to do that at this point..

You can't fix him. He has to want to fix himself. You could give him all the best advice in the world, but it won't matter if he doesn't want to hear it..

You can, however, work on yourself and your self esteem.. You deserve better..

Hugs..

(((Hugs)))

I am sorry you're in such pain. I second Take2.

((((BrokenNPieces))))

I'm so sorry what you are going through is so painful.

I can tell you that the biggest mistake ever made was tolerating my WH's first affair and forgiving him, accepting his fake "sorry" and rugsweeping it away.

If he "needs time" then give it to him while you file for Divorce. Seriously. Kick him out. He wants S he can have it. Don't offer to Reconcile. Just. Don't. Do. It.

Tell him to pack his stuff and get out. Let him go. If he realizes his mistake let him put the effort into winning you back. He can figure it out if he comes to understand how much he has hurt you. Do not try to do his work for him. You cannot love him back or help him come to his senses.

Right now you need to focus on YOU. Interview a couple of lawyers and find out where you stand legally. Assume your M is over. This is in YOUR best interest. Find a counselor to help you with your grief. Look for one who has experience helping people recover from infidelity and navagating the process of ending a relationship. See your IC weekly for at least a month while you watch what your WH does. His actions, after you kick him to the curb, will tell you loud and clear whether you should even consider taking him back after he takes his "he needs time" away "vacation" from your M.

You deserve a honest, trustworthy, faithful partner. Right now, you don't have one, so let him go with a solid push and a door that hits him in the ass.

(((Hugs))) it's hard. But take care of you.

Please take a look at this: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid469167

You really only have two choices. You can keep throwing yourself at him while he detaches and goes about his life, while yours comes to a stand-still, or you an detach yourself, take care of yourself, and show him what single life really means. No more you to pick up the pieces. No more you to be a fallback position. No more you to be a safety net.

Instead, a you that is moving towards health, independence, and strength. A much more attractive you and a much more complete you, in the end.

With all of the gentleness in the world, you couldn't love him out of having an affair, you couldn't love him into NC, and you can't love him into staying in the marriage. Close down the shop, lock the doors, and walk away. Let him get his ego kibbles elsewhere. (((hugs)))

I wish that I'd divorced my husband who was cheating in our first year of marriage. Instead I tried to love him into loving me back, which didn't work (although it did humiliate me). I tried being the ultimate sex goddess so he'd not think about anyone or anything else, but that didn't work (although it did destroy my sexuality and self-esteem). I begged him to love me. I raged at him to love me.

I wish I'd just divorced him and been done with it. I wish I'd have known that the embarrassment of having to face friends, family & co-workers & admitting my marriage had failed would be far less horrible than the total destruction of my soul & psyche by staying married, buying a house, having children, and THEN having to go through the divorce.

He is flipping back and forth everytime i get myself together to leave he wants to wait a couple of days.

You are his puppet and he's pulling your strings.

Flipping back and forth means nothing. You don't want to be someone's option. He feels guilty sometimes, I'm sure, but don't waste your heart looking for hopeful signs. I absolutely agree with what others have said. My husband cheated in our first year. He was UTTERLY remorseful and committed to our marriage - we had 24 years together but I never got over it and then he cheated again. Yours isn't even remorseful. I know how much this breaks your heart, but divorce is the right thing to do. Your best route is to take as much control over it as YOU can.

Separation has different meanings to different people.

Some would use it to get their shit together, some would use it to continue their dysfunctional behavior by making it ok.

Today, if my wife wanted separation, I'd probably file for divorce.

That was not the way I thought in the past.

Today, I feel like you say you are all in, row in the same direction, or just get out of the boat.

i dont want to divorce my husband or seperate but i dont want to be his fall back option either i deserve better. I just feel like if this doesnt work i wont be able to let anyone else in my life.

You raised a whole new thing in your latest post. Think about THIS relationship for now.

NC, be kind to yourself, do some things for you.

The issue about letting anyone else into your life is an issue for way further down the road IF you do divorce.

Now let me tell you this. MY EXWH was also a control freak who made me feel like shit on his shoe. He basically made me feel like if I didn't have him, no-one else would want me. I believed it for longer than I wish to admit.

Let me tell you this, if the only thing keeping you together is the fear that you would never meet someone else, then don't let that thought cross your mind again. First of all if you S/D you need time for yourself. But you will find that you are still attractive to others and you will not necessarily be alone.

It took me a few months and some dating to get to this point. It's a long story, I knew I wasn't ready to date but I had plenty of chances (online dating) and it did my confidence the world of good. After having a few coffees and chats with people I knew it was way too early and that was it and I've been off the sites altogether since March. But I feel amazing right now. I feel like I don't need anyone else. Which is where you need to get to. It may be nice in future, but I don't NEED someone. See the difference?

If someone had said this to me a year ago I would have laughed at them.

But for now think of your current situation. Is it worth fighting for? Really?

Be good to yourself. You need to do this, because you are the only one who can take back that control over YOUR life and make your future the one that you need for yourself.

Often when a WS wants to separation because they "need time", what they really want is freedom to pursue the A without the BS meddling. When they do the push-pull dance with the BS, it is because they want to have the BS around but they also want to be able to pursue their A. They keep the BS just enough engaged to stick around (the pull part of the dance) but far enough away so they can peacefully pursue the A (the push part of the dance). It is exhausting for the BS!! And it is great for the WS because they get to cake eat -- the best of both worlds!

You need to do a hard 180 on him. Refuse to participate in the push-pull dance. If he insists upon separating then separate completely. No more talking and chit-chatting, no more phone calls or texts, no more hugs and kisses, NO more sex! No lunches or dinners together, no hanging out, and NO sex. I can't emphasize that enough (that was the biggest mistake I made)

HTH

(((hugs)))

Often when a WS wants to separation because they "need time", what they really want is freedom to pursue the A without the BS meddling. When they do the push-pull dance with the BS, it is because they want to have the BS around but they also want to be able to pursue their A. They keep the BS just enough engaged to stick around (the pull part of the dance) but far enough away so they can peacefully pursue the A (the push part of the dance). It is exhausting for the BS!! And it is great for the WS because they get to cake eat -- the best of both worlds!

Exactly what happened in my case--twice, as she move back in and then out again. In retrospect I wish I'd told her, If you leave, then there will be no R and we will divorce. Separation in my case was a stairway to hell. I "let" her leave to be the Nice Guy giving her all the "space" she needs. She went right to the OM, as she'd planned to do the whole time.

Good to see you Abbondad!!

I hope your in a better place.

I'm sorry, BrokenNPieces.

He feels that things have gone too far and he needs time?

This is the coward's way of saying "we are done."

Gently, it takes two. You are done.

Lawyer up and protect yourself.

(((BrokenNPieces)))

This is precisely what Mr. Peckerwood did.

I think now that he had finally decided he was choosing OW and another life but he wouldn't tell me that he cheated, so he made fights and problems and then made that announcement.

What he really wanted was a way out, but he couldn't face telling me-the ultimate coward.

I will simply echo the others.

The more you go after him, the more he may run, but it takes cause and effects for this to be seen and understood. No one could tell me this that I would understand until enough backlash came, but I have learned a really huge life lesson and hope you will have an easier time at it.

There isn't anything that can be done if someone decides wholeheartedly to leave a marriage and I'm very sorry.

It is more pain to you to follow him, but is going to take time to detach from him and from being a married person.

I wish you well.

ditto Nature Girl

Don't be his puppet

There is power in you cutting your own marionette strings.

Sure, your walking legs will take some getting used to it. You will wobble a bit, maybe feel like you are always falling down.

But, I promise soon you will be walking

running

SOON YOU WILL BE DANCING!