SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi I just found out my husband has been having an A with a woman for about a year. In finding this out I discovered he had been unfaithful several other times in the past with "randoms" as he called them. I discovered the A because I knew something was off and one night I couldn't ignore my intuition any longer and looked in his phone. Several journal passages and text messages later I was a wreck. I am 34 and have been with this man since I was 17 YO. I have a 19 mo daughter with him. His family is like my own. I am so lost. So hurt and so ashamed. I haven't spoke to anyone and feel so alone, I randomly cry and can't stop. I was angry but now I'm just sad. He says he doesn't want our marriage to end and he loves me but he's not in love with me anymore. I know that a big issue is the weight I have put on over the years. I know i need to get the weight off, if just for my own health and self esteem but once I do then what? I can't stop crying. I don't know if I can ever forgive him even if he does become attracted to me again. I don't really need answers I guess. Just an ear. I have so many friends but I feel so lonely right now because I don't want admit this is happening to me. Thanks for listening.

Hugs Chloe - so sorry you find yourself here but you are in the right place for excellent advice and lots of compassion and understanding. Please do not in any way blame your weight gain - a spouse's choice to go outside the marriage rests squarely on their shoulders. Discovering infidelity is horrific and you need to focus on caring for yourself. It is very isolating for many of us too as you have mentioned, so find a counselor for yourself right away. Post here when you need a shoulder - we all understand.

Oh, Chloe--I am so sorry this happened to you!

Please don't feel ashamed. It's WH who has thrown away his integrity and risked his family for nothing.

And he did not cheat because you put on weight! He cheated because something is lacking inside him. Would you break your marriage vows, shatter your husband's trust, and disrespect the father of your daughter because he didn't stay the same weight he was at 17?

Just so you know, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is the cheating spouse's motto. They all say that. It's so common that we abbreviate it:: ILYBINILWY.

What they mean is, "I am so messed up that I'm not capable of loving anyone right now. I need to make my behavior your fault so I don't have to face the fact that I am an ass."

Take good care of yourself and your sweet daughter, and read all you can in The Healing Library in the yellow box at the left corner of your screen.

You will survive this and eventually, you will thrive. You're not alone.

Sorry for your trouble, C1997.

The issue is NOT your weight. Who made the decision to have affairs? NOT YOU. You did not choose to be in this situation. He did.

Do not blame yourself. This is not your fault.

BTW, my H had an affair and when it was discovered the first thing he said to me was that I wasn't keeping up my end of the bargain, I'd let myself go, etc. Well, four months later, I weigh less than when we got married and he still doesn't want to have sex. Guess what? It's not my weight...it's deeply seeded issues from his childhood. He's working on it because he realizes he has issues and no one else to blame.

There is a v good reason why a friend of mine says that when marriages break up, the women look HOT again and the men look like idiots. Probably because the women figure out what assholes they married and getting rid of them is their beauty regimen.

Please do not blame yourself.

Don't make any decisions about your future when you are in this fragile state. Get some help in the form of individual counseling and confiding in a trusted friend. You cannot go through this alone.

You aren't going to believe this at this moment but within a few months you will start to feel better about yourself and your circumstances. Each day will start to get a little easier.

Invest in yourself. One thing I learned through this experience is that NO ONE else is going to take care of you except you. So do it. Exercise, eat smart, pamper yourself. Don't stress over what goes on at your house. Let the dishes pile up. They will be there when you get to them. Take care of yourself first. And your kids. Those are your priorities.

I can't thank you all enough for your responses. You have no idea how much it means to have someone to "talk" to right now other than my WS. I don't want him to see me crying anymore. Thank you all again.

First things first: I am so sorry that you find yourself here. This is going to seem unreal for a while and you have a tough field to plough from here on. Get support anywhere you can: From here, from your friends (Pick a few really good, close ones to confide in). I found that in the early days, the only thing that gave me even temporary relief from the gnawing pain inside me was talking to people, and I was fortunate enough to have friends who were willing to listen.

I'm not going to have a lot of answers for you, but there's something I need to say. It seems like what a lot of people do when they first find out that their spouse was having affair is to start looking for fault in themselves. I know it is going to be difficult, but you must do your best to stop thinking that way immediately.

Your husband betrayed you, lied to you, disrespected you, and emotionally devastated you. This has everything to do with him and his dysfunctions, and nothing to do with your weight or anything else about you.

Love is a choice. Having an affair is a choice, and the two are not compatible with one another. If he says he loves you, then it's his responsibility to demonstrate it, to fully repent of what he's done and start giving you the respect he owes you as a husband. It's not your job to attract him to you or anything like that.

Also, that "love, but not in-love" thing is a bullshit distinction. Anyone who says that doesn't even understand what love is. Don't buy it for a second.

You have plenty of listening ears here to turn to. Don't hesitate to vent anytime.

^^^^This.

So, Chloe, your WS has admitted to this A along with previous 'randoms,' as he calls them. Does he bother telling you about any of them? You know, so you can protect yourself against any STD's he may drag home with him? He is willing to risk YOUR life for his s 'random' moment in time where he gets his ego pumped? It about killed me that my xh was screwing one other woman. If he had admitted to multiples, I'm not sure I wouldn't have brained him. Today's world does not ensure safe sex. You probably should visit your GP and ask for a full ramp of STD testing. And, if your WS is still around, insist he do the same before he ever touches you again. I'm so sad for you, Chloe, that you're having to deal with an A at this stage of your marriage. However, you may want to count your blessings that it's happening now. YOU get to choose whether you want to spend the rest of your married life with a man who cares so little about himself, let alone you, that he would cheat multiple times. My advice, based on experience, is to kick his rear out the door, see an attorney ASAP, get through a divorce, then find yourself a nice guy who values you as much as you value him. (((Chloe)))

I just have to say thank you again. For the first time in what feels like for ever I was able to concentrate in class (forgot to mention my husband chose to tear our lives apart while I am in the midst of getting my masters in Ed to become a teacher) and play with my daughter without Bursting itno tears. Your words gave me strength. I will probably never meet any of you but you have been wonderful to me and I just want you to know that it has helped. I hope I can be a source of strength to someone else one day the way you have for me

Please take care of yourself and your daughter - do something nice for yourself, get to counseling, and see your doctor if you become overwhelmed by the stress and anxiety. It's awful, it really is. Lots of hugs to you. We all pull for each other here.

He says he doesn't want our marriage to end and he loves me but he's not in love with me anymore.

A good response to this maybe is to toss a vase at him and say;

Wake the f*** up. I have got better things to do with my life than stay with a man who doesn't f***en take our marriage seriously

You need to take control of your life. Right at the moment he is controlling your life.

You are 34. You are young (I wish I was 34 again). You have a whole lot of living to do. Do you want to stuff around in this toxic relationship. I know this is hard, but which ever way it turns out (reconcillation or divorce) you will get through this and your life will need rebuiling.

As for the weight, that is not an excuse to go an have an affair. If you do having about your weight, do it first for yourself

I agree with snowy. You can get though this. Don't blame yourself. Especially with the weight issues. You have a little baby, of course you are going to gain weight! Do the 180 on him. I did this with my WS and he was like a deer in the headlights. Instead of me crying on the both room floor like I did for the first couple of days, I got up took a shower put icon make up and told him I had plans. I had really no where to go, but to just walk out was so liberating. Try it. It will do wonders for your esteem too. You can get through this. My mantra has been this too shall pass and I will be stronger because of it. You will be too. We are all here for you.

Well you've found one of the best places to turn to Chloe, and a whole lot of company.

The others are right - this is not about weight! So you are no Sandra Bullock at the moment - Oh wait her hubbie cheated too! (If you see my point.) Looks isn't the issue with infidelity. The issue lay in the WS. Period.

ILYBINILWY... even has its own acronym around here... sooo many of us have heard that!

Glad you found us Chloe! Stick around and check out the Healing Library, lots of good information in there!

Welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join. We are glad you're here, but sorry you had need to find us.

You've gotten some great advice so far, follow it. I'd like to add a few things if I may.

It's been mentioned before, but seriously, get tested for the full spectrum of STD's. He's been with multiple "randoms", the likelihood of exposure is fairly significant. Doesn't mean you've caught it, just that you were exposed. Even if he claims condom use, some can be transmitted anyway. While there, you may want to talk to the GP about a recommendation for a councilor. The aftereffects of discovery can be devastating.

Next, line up an appointment with a lawyer. Don't tell WH you are doing this. Discover what your options are and how you can best protect yourself. Doesn't mean you have to do anything with the information, but the knowledge will help you better deal with his b***sh**.

Read the healing library, then read it again. I'd specifically like you to read about the 180 and begin to implement it. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11. This ISN'T designed to win him back or get him to fall back in love with you. It's designed to give you some room and time to think. Following it will enable you to really realize that this isn't about you, it's about him.

He's broken. There's a very fundamental flaw at the core of his being that allows him to treat someone he *loves* this way. Without a very conscious, deliberate effort on his part to find out what that flaw is and take corrective measures, he will be doomed to continue to repeat this behavior in a futile attempt to fill the emptiness inside himself with other peoples affirmations. It's a losing proposition. It can't be done.

I want to re-emphasize that point. This is not about you, nor the weight gain. This is about a weak man who is desperately trying to find something through external validation. You are the prize. You upheld all that is good and beautiful in people. You maintained your honor, your integrity and upheld your vows. Where does he rate on that spectrum? What about the content of his character.

Take care of yourself and your little one. As a first priority. He doesn't rate your concern. If he want's to try to win you back, he's got a lot of work to do.

That's a start. I know it's overwhelming. Post lots! We are here and have BTDT.

Strength

ETA clarity

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:59 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]