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I'm curious to know if as BS you have let your WS know how to help you? I understand the 180 aspect. I also understand the WS having to heal themselves as well. But when in R and the WS being transparent, attentive, and also helping the BS heal, did you let them know what would help? or let the WS figure it out?

Yes, I let him know what I needed. He's not a mind reader and clearly what he had been doing before didn't work, so it was me letting him know and then allowing him to succeed or fail on his own.

I never had to do the 180. FWH was transparent, NC with OW, all the "right things" immediately, so it didn't make sense to 180.

...did you let them know what would help? or let the WS figure it out?

I was very clear with FWW on what I needed from her to just "not divorce". Once we got past that and into R I continued to make my needs, wants, and desires known. She got bonus points for anything she did that was fun, helped me work through, and was above and beyond.

We also read the 7 Love Langusges and it was a real insight to how we each express and recive expressions of love.

Oh, anytime you can think of something tangible that your WS can do to help you, by all means relay that. It took me a while to figure out that when I triggered, I felt unloved, unimportant, unspecial, replacable. My love language is words of affirmation. So when I got smacked in the head with an unpleasant reminder, and started screeching, what I REALLY needed was verbal reassurance, and letting him know that empowered him to actually do something to help me feel better, rather than just bask in the verbal barrage that left us both feeling worse. Yes, let him/her know!

Just a note - the 180 is for you only if your H is unremorseful and you want to R. If he's remorseful, and you're both on board with R, the 180 is likely to be counter-productive.

When I actually know what will help, I tell him. Sometimes I honestly don't know if there is anything he can do and I tell him that too. When I shut down without telling him what is wrong or how he can help, he's left in the dark and I get mad because he isn't meeting my needs - never mind that he has NO idea what those needs are.

I have to tell FWH what I need every day.

I think there's a happy medium. You can't hope that they will read our minds, but you also shouldn't have to do all the legwork.

I tell him but sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other. He has a tendency to do what he thinks I should want - sort of like when your cat brings you a dead mouse and can't figure out why you don't want it.

Thank you for the replies.

I appreciate a lot some of the insight I get here.

sisoon--Thank you. I struggle with this one as to know when or not to. if that makes sense.

I was writing down some things to help me and then help WS understand and I was on a roll and then bam, power went out and I didn't have it saved in my drafts. Guess it's a sign to hold off for today!

If I'd known what to tell him, I would have. But beyond the transparency, etc. (none of which I got), no.

I had no idea how to help me.

And ultimately, I had to do it myself. (We all do, really--but it's nice to have a supportive, remorseful spouse to help.)