Spideysense,
You stated:
Do i have access to his things? I have access to his phone if I sneak it, and can check his fb that way as well, he says he has no emails, no other things etc, but i would never know, i check his phone records they appear to be clean currently.
he told me he hasnt talked to OW since the night i found out.
You being forced to SNEAK his phones and accounts to VERIFY if he's in CONTACT with OW is not Transparency!!!
If your husband wants RECONCILIATION he must follow the "rules of reconciliation!!!:
---Send OW a NO CONTACT LETTER informing her this affair is over...and she's to never contact him again by phone, text, email, Face Book or in person.
---Give you access to his phone and accounts; SO you can verify all contact has ended.
---Agree to seek counseling; SO he can address WHY he cheated in the first place.
---Agree to seek counseling/help for his alcoholic issues. (AND you need to STOP covering for him; and let him accept accountablility/reponsibility for his alcoholism!)
---Agree to disclose and discuss any questions openingly and honestly about his affair with you.
THEN: There is a chance for RECONCILIATION.
You cannot reconcile this marriage ON YOUR OWN; especially with a husband who MAY still be actively engaging in the affair; and who is an ACTIVE DRUNK!
i dont know how to make him better, is it even possible?
YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM BETTER...only he can change. It's not your job TO FIX HIM.
Is it possible for your husband to get better?
--SURE, anyone can stop being a liar, a cheater, and an alcoholic. BUT; your husband must want to change and he must want to STOP LYING..STOP CHEATING...STOP DRINKING.
Once he decides to STOP - he can start working on being the husband you deserve; and the father your children deserve.
I'd strongly suggest: Until he stops drinking - that you and your children DO NOT ride in the car with his irresponsible, drinking butt!
He's on a road to destruction; and he already has 2 DUIs.