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I am forever reading about WSs having a bad memory or reciting the "I don't remember" statement when asked for details.

Well, my fWW has a pretty bad memory too and I've gotten the I don't know/remember statement a couple of times too.

Do you think it has anything to do with the type of person that has an A? I rarely every read a BS stating they are the one with a bad memory.

Good question

I'm not sure if the bad memory has anything to do with the type of person, per say. I mean, we see all different types of people in the wayward forum, from all different walks of life, myself included.

I think there might be several factors that come into play. One of those factors might be compartmentalization. A lot of people compartmentalize while having affairs, having almost a double life of sorts. I remember discovering an email between my wife and OM prior to D-Day where she talked about their A not wanting to impact her "real life". So maybe since the affair doesn't play out in "real life", the memories aren't stored there, either? Or maybe stored more on the subconscious level.

I know another big factor for my wife was also the length of the affair. It was 15 years long. Hard to remember details when an A goes back that far, and to be honest with you, she had a hard time remembering details older than 6 months when the truth started to come out.

Those are a couple of legitimate factors that I can think of, and then there is always the possibility of trickle truth.

I guess when it comes down to it, the best option is to listen to your gut when it comes to determining whether you are dealing with legitimate memory loss or intentional withholding of truth. From my own experience, and from what I have seen on these boards, the gut is usually pretty close to the truth.

I'm sorry to say this in the R forum but the "I don't remember" is WS code for "I really don't want to tell you/think about it". A far more empathetic and authentic statement would be "this is all I can recall now, if I remember anything else, I'll be sure to tell you"

Most, if not all, A related 'memory loss' comes from protecting ones A$$. It depends on the level of detail, of course, but if you have a spouse who can recall conversations and occurrences from x many years ago, I wouldn't give them a pass on them not remembering APs name for instance, or where they met...

TT always a distinct possibility. Your WS needs to realise that no full truth=no remorse=no R. Period.

Ok this is strange.

Secondhelping, I could have written your post. Then I read LFW and his WS having a 15 year LTA. Same with my WW. I have asked that she dig deep to find those answers. They may never come and that will probably make acceptance and forgiveness that much harder. Doesn't remember how she justified it in her mind, how she told herself it was ok. Doesn't even really remember the start. The hard part is do I want to be with someone that can do such a destructive thing and not even question it. Like her good angle on her shoulder disappeared.

The hard part is do I want to be with someone that can do such a destructive thing and not even question it.

It's questions like these that make reconciliation so difficult, IMO.

Personally speaking, I have had to look at my wife's actions after d-day 1 and d-day 2 (trickle truth), over the last couple of years. She's not perfect by any means, but she has put in a lot of work. She's answered all of my questions to the best of her ability after d-day 2. She's gotten a pretty good grasp on her "why". All of these things, combined with her remorse, make me think that there is about a 99% she won't cheat on me again, and that is my gut speaking.

I think those are pretty good odds to go with, perhaps better than anyone new that I could find in my lifetime.

I think there also has to be some work to be done on the BS side of things to heal. Can you really heal from this? Part of the acceptance process, for me, is that I can't completely heal, but also, that wound will be there regardless of staying with my wife or not. Maybe I can't completely forgive, either. That's okay, as far as I am concerned, and as far as my wife is concerned. She's okay with that, too, and has told me so.

That being said, I think that acceptance and forgiveness is an ongoing and daily process, and are you willing to do that for the rest of your life? At this point in time, I am thinking I am willing to do that, cautiously.

The things I have listed, aside from "what's best for the kid", are what I have considered, along with the fact that I do truly love my wife. I genuinely enjoy spending time with her, and I would truly miss her if she wasn't in my life anymore.

The difficult part is, everyone in this situation has to prioritize and make these decisions on their own. There's no black and white, and everyone's situation, no matter how similar, is so completely different.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 1:11 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]