I'm thinking of sending this letter to XWH, who insisted that my 17-year old DD be uninvited from DSD's wedding. We have been NC for 5 years, as has DD.
I don't really expect any response, or any change in his actions, but it makes me feel better to send this. I know we say "NC= no new hurts" but he's hurt my kid, and nothing hurts worse than that.
Somebody tell me why I shouldn't send this.
XWH,
I don't even know if you'll read this, but I really feel like I need to tell you what you've done to DD by asking DSD to uninvite her from her wedding. As you know, DD is a kid who has dealt with loss and abandonment early in her life. When you and DSD and DSD2 and your whole family left, she lost another family- a lot for any11-year old to deal with, but even harder for DD. She has managed to stay in touch with DSD and DSD2, though not as often as we'd like. Why? Lots of reasons, but truthfully, at first it was just too hard, and I couldn't see your girls without crying. They were also at stages in their life when I didn't want to be another obligation -- they already had to split time with you and first wife and her husband's family, and I didn't want us to be someone else they had to see. Despite that, DD has always considered your girls her sisters. You and I have siblings we've grown up with, and we know that DD's relationship with DSD and DSD2 isn't the same as the relationship we have with our siblings; it's not the same or anywhere close to the relationship DSD and DSD2 have with each other. We know that, DSD and DSD2 know that, but it's the closest thing to a sibling relationship DD has had, and she treasures it.
As soon as we learned DSD and fiance were engaged, DD began to wonder if we would get invited to the wedding. I tried to keep her hopes down because I thought you would be uncomfortable. She accepted that you might not want me there, but maybe she would be invited. When we got a save the date in March, DD was so excited that she called me at work, so happy she was almost in tears. She had already texted DSD that we would definitely come. We even bought DD a dress, which has been hanging in her closet for months now. When it was nearly July and we hadn't received an invitation yet, I started to get nervous, so I asked DSD's mom if we were getting an invitation. I explained to her that I wanted to be able to prepare DD because she was so looking forward to it. DSD decided to invite DD because she knew how excited DD was. Once DD got the invitation, she immediately took off work and had her boyfriend do the same, so there would be no chance she'd miss it.
When DSD's mom called me and told me you were upset, I told DD. She was devastated, but when she composed herself, had two reactions: first, that she wouldn't go because it was DSD's day, and she knew DSD wouldn't be happy if you weren't happy. She even wanted to tell DSD she had to work, so DSD wouldn't be upset with you that DD wasn't there. Her second reaction: disappointment because she thought you'd be happy to see her. She wanted to tell you how she's doing, that she's looking at colleges, that she wants to be a teacher. She thought you'd be proud of her. Instead, she got the message that her mere presence at DSD's wedding bothered you so much that you were willing to upset DSD and fiance and insist that they actually un-invite a teen-age girl.
Can you imagine being a 17-year old girl, who already struggles with self-esteem issues and just wants to be loved and accepted, getting that message from a man she used to call "Dad"? She's not angry, she is just so incredibly sad, and wondering what's wrong with her that the people she loves keep running away from her. I keep telling her that it's not her fault, but that's difficult for a teenager with her life experiences to understand.
It saddens me that you don't know DD better than that. She loves DSD and your whole family, and misses them. She simply wanted to see DSD and fiance get married. She understood that she might be sitting with strangers, that she probably wouldn't get to talk to family much, etc. Yet, being invited was proof that she wasn't forgotten, that leaving wasn't about her. Being un-invited has reinforced every negative thought she ever had that it's her fault people she loves leave. I know that wasn't your intention, but I thought you'd want to know.
She's just a kid, a kid whose life was thrown into turmoil because we met, married and divorced. She had no say in any of that, and may not have always reacted in the best way. All she ever wanted, though, was to be loved and accepted. You and your family did a wonderful job of that when we came into your lives, and being invited to DSD's wedding was proof to DD that she was still accepted, though not still part of the family. The rejection of being un-invited feels very personal to DD, and cuts really deep. I thought you'd want to know.
By the way, you'd be proud of the way DSD handled the conversation with DD. It was obviously difficult for her, but she was compassionate and kind and understanding. She's become a pretty remarkable young woman, and seems very happy. I'm happy for her and fiance. Congratulations on the wedding.
Incredulous
