SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't believe I'm still here. Still logging into my account after all this time, which I know might not really be that long, but feels like a lifetime.

The short and sweet version: We are separated - have been for over a year. I have been to an attorney just because I needed to feel a sense of control. I have not filed. He has not filed. Neither of us want a divorce.

We are both stuck. There are days I still sob at the loss of our marriage and what we once were. Other days I picture us working through this mess and being stronger than before. And some days (like today), I don't know if I will ever get past the A. I am definitely stronger today than I was on D-Day, but I'm different. We are different. We will never go back to the way things were. Who knows...maybe that's a good thing?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want right now.

I guess I just want to know that I'm not the only one who is so confused...

I was separated for 6 months after d-day.

But, after 3 months I agreed to go to MC with my FWH and we slowly began to go on dates etc.

When I saw real changes in him- IC, he got sober and went to AA,I agreed to R.

Are there things that you need your WH to do to help make you feel safe again?

I am in the same boat, paddling in a huge circle. I don't want my marriage to end but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel either.

My WH says he wants to help me feel safe but truth is he isn't. He is offended if I question....like just because he happens to be where he said he was going to be if I ask him to prove it or call to check. He thinks I should trust him now b/c now he is telling the truth... Whatever. I am so sick of this nightmare that suppose to be my fairy tale.

It is exactly like paddling in a big circle. It's exhausting.

I think we're both just scared. Of what? I'm not entirely sure. I know I'm scared that things really are over between us. I don't know why that upsets me so much.

To top it all off we are in serious financial troubles - he lost his job and I am in the process of selling our house (he lives at his mom's now). It's the only way I can get back on track - I just got the house out of foreclosure and I've been served with additional papers regarding medical debt. It's just awful.

I don't know, maybe all of this other stuff is clouding my judgment regarding our relationship becuase right now I have no clue what I want from him...