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I'm 180ing to the point where I no longer feel out of control, reactionary, or really sorry for myself. Sometimes it feels like what I am doing is just prolonging the inevitable and delaying starting the D because I don't want to feel the pain. I started to 180 because I just couldn't TRY anymore. I had to learn that it didn't matter what I did, I couldn't change the outcome of this derailing train. I keep asking myself, am I just putting my emotions on pause and not dealing with what I REALLY have to face...which is to walk through the fire of D?

Then I read this today...

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in-between. One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them. This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance. Being in-between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird-in-hand, when there is nothing in the bush. Being in-between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling. We may have many feelings going on when we’re in-between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in-between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them. Being in-between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not. We’re standing at the in-between place. It’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination. We are moving forward, even when we’re in-between.

"Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in-between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good."

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-12). The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series (pp. 218-219). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 10:11 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Just wow.. Thanks for this today..

It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not

THIS x1000.

During every single second of our day, we are learning and growing. If I start a load of laundry and then notice bubbles overflowing from inside the machine -- I learn (quickly) not to put so much freaking soap in the dispenser. (little lesson) And that sometimes 'less is more.' (big lesson)

If I say something to a person, oh I don't know...let's use stbx as an example..... If I tell him to stop lying, and he continues to lie. I learn that he (1)disrespects the shit out of me by lying; (2)is controlling me by lying; (little lessons)

AND I am forced to acknowledge that being lied to really pisses me off and that it's not really something that I want to have to deal with in my life. (big lesson)

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.

So I believe that you are right where you need to be right now and that when the time comes for something to be different -- you'll make the necessary adjustments.

I don't see that you are really not facing what is happening -- you came to SI and are posting about it, right?

Part of this I work on day and night.

I call it "realization", where I have to let my mind open up, even if it brings the anxiety and allow myself to imagine.

In the meanwhile, remembering past hurts helps the 180 along.

I lived this for over an entire year's time. Filing for D made reality happen for me and while I stuck myself in the purgatory of hesitation, it really didn't do me a lot of good-it simply allowed me to pretend he might come back, when in reality, he had no intention of coming back...or telling me so.

Seeing the words in black and white terrifies me, even though it's a few months into the process.

I can tell you that I am getting a bit of self-respect back that I lost and respect from people who are seeing and coming to know more of me as an independent person.

I am alone in the center of that fire you posted about and yes, it is petrifying. But, it also tells WS-and the world- what we will take and what we will not. It puts an end to the charade and brings the beginnings of new reality to life.

But, we can only do so much at a time, I find, and it's a decision that lasts for the rest of our lives...and affects our children if we have them. So not taking it lightly seems okay, too.