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I was recently at a get together with a bunch of old friends. One of the women admitted that she had an affair for 2 years with her married boss when she was single. She knows what is going on with my marriage and it was interesting to learn this info about her. I know her well - went to college with her and roomed with her after college for a bit. She's definitely someone who likes male attention and is a bit insecure and makes a lot of really bad decisions. I would not think she'd be the type to put herself into a position where she would hurt someone. She told me I should definitely blame my H and not the OW for his affair.

She told me I should definitely blame my H and not the OW for his affair.

I call BS. anyone who goes into an A single or not has bad boundary issues and no regard for the spouse. Your H is the one who took vows or made promises, so that's where the focus should be. But doesn't excuse the OW at all. Talk about not taking accountability or wanting to own her bad choices. That just infuriates me. It's everyone else's fault that she's got issues??? Sounds like my fW'd OW. She blames him for all if it and although she claims she's sorry I got hurt, it's his fault because he lied to her. Didn't stop her from trying to break NC just last week.

Yeah, she slept with my H. Takes no responsibility (I should have taken care of him at home and she was just being a good friend). Needless to say, she is no longer a friend.

Yup. Strange situation. She tried getting a divorce 3 times before she gave up. Her H wouldn't let her go, kept following her wherever she moved. So she cheated on him, several times, although she let him know each time. He still wouldn't let her go.

I have a friend, who used to be a close friend. She was a BW in her first marriage, but then went on to become an OW several times with multiple MM. There was one couple I knew... and I never told that BW. There were reasons I didn't, but sometimes I regret that I didn't . After all, it still chaps my ass that XWH's OW's BH didn't tell me when he discovered their A.

Anyway, my friend is now remarried and I hope that she's worked on herself. I never understood how a previous BW who experienced so much pain could become an OW, and several times over at that.

One of my DS's moms is a friend. She met his dad when he was married; he left his older wife for her. They lived together for 8 years but he didn't marry her, and when he said he didn't want more kids, she aborted a pregnancy. She realized that he was never going to marry her, so she got pregnant (at 40ish). He left her; has never met the kid. She's alone and feels cheated of the life she should have had. (I've had to listen to the sob story often.)

So, yeah, just deserts. I feel sorry for the kid, though. Although she's a good mom.

My bestfriend was the OM for a WW who was less than a year into her marriage. No matter what you said to him, he would not listen to reason about it. I eventually had to stop talking to him for about a year so the whole thing could play out and he could learn whatever lessons he needed to.

WW eventually went back to her husband. She had offered to leave him for my friend, but she insisted that they live togther immediately and get M as soon as her D went through. My friend thought jumping straight from a M into another was a bad idea and insisted she would have to leave and live on her own for awhile and they would have to see each other under normal circumstances first before he would take that step. She flipped out, went back to her H and immediately got pregnant. She later admitted it was to "get back" at my friend. She's a piece of work.

Today she is S from her husband and seeing/living with someone else. My friend is happily married and expecting a baby with his wife.

But they still talk fairly often. It makes us all uncomfortable. Frankly, I don't think he's over her... But he knows she was just too much trouble.

But they still talk fairly often. It makes us all uncomfortable. Frankly, I don't think he's over her... But he knows she was just too much trouble.

That entire story word for word could describe my WH and his AP ... the end of the story is "and then the baby was born and he started having an affair with her AGAIN and his wife didn't figure out what was going on for another 7 years."

Does his wife know that his friend was once more than just a friend? Because I didn't. Lots of people did and never told me though.

It makes you uncomfortable because it's poor boundaries / bad behavior / wrong...

Yeah, my H's OW.

No longer a friend.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:08 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

Does his wife know that his friend was once more than just a friend? Because I didn't. Lots of people did and never told me though.

She does. In fact, early on in their relationship, after his AP S from her BH, his now-wife challenged him to leave her for the AP if he was still at all confused. He decided to stay with his now-wife. A few weeks later, oops, she found out she was pregnant. He didn't want to keep it. She did. He didn't want to get married. His mom and her family aided him in coming to the conclusion that it was for the best. They got married a few weeks ago. Baby is almost here now.

Oy :)

She told me I should definitely blame my H and not the OW for his affair.

Well, of course she would...she is an adulterer who refuses to be accountable for HER actions. She is trying to live in a world where she views herself as a "good" person not in the real world where she knows adulterers are viewed as "not good" people.

Both WS and AP are to blame. When you do something that is knowingly wrong then you are to blame...it really is as simple as that.

Thats because she wants to be blameless in the situation. It's not my fault!

The AP & WS are both to blame. But if the AP didn't have issues with boundaries/no morals then she would have sent him home to his wife and slammed the door in his face. She wouldn't be that person that helped destroy a family.

I know if a married man was sniffing around me, even before the multiple DD's I would have sent him home to his wife. The thought would have disgusted me.

I have one friend and one former friend that come to mind. (Not including former friend OW).

Friend #1 is truly a model former wayward. She has worked hard to R with her H - MC, IC, total transparency, putting strong boundaries in place, etc. - and was actually a huge source of support for me in the days after DDay, by helping me to determine what I needed to demand from my H if we were going to to R. To this day, she's one of my closest friends.

Friend #2 has been divorced for a couple of years after getting caught cheating several times. She is at the bars picking up men half her age almost every night, and is shocked that none of them want more than a booty call. Her XH has offered R many times (I think he's a fool for doing so) and she loves the power of seducing her XH. She thinks that he needs to get over her cheating in order for them to get back together, has no remorse but is sorry she got caught, and has shit boundaries. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her and therefore she's no longer a friend.

Actually, having friends like this was good for me, because it helped me determine what was and what was not acceptable in R, and it helped me see what healthy friendships should look like.

My mother has been the OW in her most recent "relationship." he was married when they got together..wife lived in Mexico with his kids,while he worked here and sent money to them. This went on for 10 years..then he and his BW divorced...he and mom are no longer together. Go figure.

I never understood how a previous BW who experienced so much pain could become an OW, and several times over at that.

I have a theory (and no proof to back it up) that some BW or BH see the OP as everywoman or everyman. Embarking on an adulterous relationship therefore constitutes "getting back" at the everywoman/everyman who hurt them. Yes, it would take a screwed-up personality to think this way,but some of us do get screwed up in the process, don't we?

I've only known 2 women who liked to pursue/sleep with married men.

The thing that always struck me as odd was that they would go completely bat-shit crazy when they got cheated on. Just insane about what a horrible person/slu#/whore the other woman was. Ummm. okay. I would just think "isn't that what you are doing to someone else? How is that different?" They had no ability to see this rationally.

I found out when I told family about the A that FIL cheated when WH was little and that my mother cheated on my step-dad throughout their 10 year marriage. {sigh} I am feeling really jaded.

my very best friend.

She was unhappy with her marriage, lonely, broke, etc...So she sought out her ex husband and started a thing. I knew it immediately and called her on it. I told her if she didn't tell her spouse I would! She told him. She left her BS and divorced him. Now is married to her Ex WS! Yep I typed that right!

[This message edited by heartache101 at 2:17 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

I had a friend who was sleeping with a MM.

That's one of the reasons why we are not friends anymore- because she and I have completely different values, and I can't trust her. I didn't have a big fight with her or anything- I just started getting more and more "busy" whenever she called or texted, and eventually I fazed her out.

Yeah, my H's OW.

^this^