SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was literally so happy and content in my family life before his A that I almost NEVER even NOTICED other men. Sure, I'd see a hot actor in a movie or something, but that is seriously just about it, and even then I'm so freaking picky.

NOW? Everywhere I go I look at men, not in a sexual way necessarily, but in a "I wonder if he's a cheater" "I wonder if he'd date me" "I wonder if he is single" "I wonder if he's a nice guy" I am freaking aware of men like I haven't been in 15 years. Is this normal?

I sure hope so because I have done the same thing.

For me it was. I took off my wedding ring on DDay and was shocked at men striking up conversations - like just standing in line at Starbucks or something. Then I started noticing the ones that looked like they were cheating - like sitting a restaurant having breakfast with FWH and the guy by himself at the next table had 2 phones, had conversations on both and it was so obvious that he was making excuses to his wife on the smart phone and talking to his OW on the little cheap phone. I remember saying to FWH at the time that it was such a bummer to me that I even noticed stuff like that now.

I've been doing the same thing!

I've not looked at another man in years (aside from a half-naked Channing Tatum in Magic Mike, but who the hell didn't?!), but I notice them all now. "Gee, he looks like a nice guy" or "Good lord, are these the men I'll have to choose from if I'm ever back in the dating pool?"

Of course, no matter what I'm thinking when I look at them, it all ends the same... you can never tell which of them will rip your heart out someday. It's not written on their faces, or even in the story of their life before you.

When my husband and I first started seeing each other he told me, "I have one rule: cheating is a dealbreaker. I catch you cheating, and it's over." I nodded that that seemed like a perfectly acceptable rule. And now, here he is, breaking his own #1 rule... and here I am, refusing to let it be a dealbreaker.

I don't think I will ever trust another man again. Maybe that's why I'm so willing to give the man I used to trust a chance to repair the damage he has done.

Oh, this was definitely me! Between HB, the Infidelity Diet, and not wearing a ring... I seemed to get a ton of attention suddenly. And I think a lot of it was just that I was so much more aware of the possibilty of cheating -- it had never been on the table before. But now, even though I never really consisdered a RA, it was POSSIBLE, and I think the vultures sense that, and go in for the kill.

Re krazy's point: it still pisses me off that if I had cheated, it probably would have been a dealbreaker for WH. He justifies this by saying that it would have meant something different if it had been me. Yeah, maybe. In any case, holding the moral high ground gets damned boring sometimes.

the Infidelity Diet

Is that what I'm on???? I've lost 10 pounds in less than a week, due to pain and a general lack of interest in food. That's a great name for it!

Thank you for saying this! Yes. That's me. In 20 years, I never even thought about having an affair. I had opportunities, I even had a couple of 'crushes', but I stayed far, far away from them. Now, I feel like the whole idea of an affair is in my head. I feel jealous of the excitement and validation he got to have at my expense - and now even if I have an affair, it's just a 'revenge affair'. I'm really not interested in an affair - God knows I would not want to be looking at myself in the mirror after that.

But, yes, that infidelity diet is something else. And putting on makeup and doing my hair every day so that my husband isn't regretful that he chose not to run away with a 21 year old. I am very aware of men, and very conscious of wondering if they find me attractive. It kind of makes me sad. I get offended now when men talk to me. And I wonder all the time who the 7 out of 10 cheaters are.

Yes, the Infidelity Diet works like a charm. I'm down 15 pounds.

And re: the deal breaker, there is no doubt I'd be on the street if the tables were turned and that just fuels my anger at him and myself for still being here even more.

Plainpain, I USED to get offended when men talked to me because I lived in the little naive bubble that I was in a good strong marriage and it was "icky" to hit on married women. Now? The opposite. Seems everyone else is doing it, including my best friend of 15 years (WH), I'm the idiot for "forsaking all others".

I think its because you are forced to think about single life again and if you werent looking outside of the marriage, its a new thing. Im sure men checked me out once in a great while while I was married (NOT SAYING IM HOT OR TOOTING ANY HORNS), but while we were S and I'd go out with friends I'd notice it and gladly take the much needed ego boost. I never even exchanged a hello but it was something I paid attention to and told myself see, you could be just fine.

Just wanted to chime in and say it's not limited just to women.... I do have noticed attention from other women in ways I never did before. Maybe it was always there and I just never recognized it. Maybe it's because I am close to my high school weight again. Maybe its because I am changing.

I noticed women before...but only in a light, fantasy way. Now it almost seems like it's a real possibility. And I notice all types of women; Barbie types, rounded soccer mom types, younger, older.... Wondering about things like the other poster here that wonders more about their character than their physical look.

Wondering if she has the character to grow a healthy marriage. Wondering if she would appreciate my character in a healthy way. Wondering if she would stay committed to me as I change parts of my character that I am aware need changed.

But at the end of this exercise, like another poster stated, you can't put much faith in this normal (and it is normal) phase of betrayal. You are wiser to put faith in your existing marriage as long as both of you appear willing and somewhat able to work together to develop a real relationship.

I say this based on the sole fact that this fire has tested you both in ways that a stranger simply could not have been tested... The likelihood of repeating the same pattern is high until we have done sufficient work as to move past this cycle.

I have been tempted to lower my boundaries. Since being married I have made it a point to always take at least two people to lunch with me while going on lunch meetings if one of the other people is a woman. This is a boundary I have been tempted to lower since my wife's affair. To date I have not lowered that boundary… But it is a temptation.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:04 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

I have also had that...I am the idiot for forsaking all others...thought too.

I also have observed other people doing inappropriate things that could be cheating...secret facebook posts to the opposite sex, men and women at work that are noticeably different around each other when I walk into a room they are alone in...feel the mood change.

And the whole.....Will I ever trust another woman in my life...thing is a concern of mine.

But all of the above are only a result of a reality that most likely always existed. We are now aware of this...or at least becoming aware of this. This new knowledge has some fun and exciting aspects to it...it also has some sad and painful aspects to it.

For sure it gives us wisdom...the reason I like posts like this is that I believe it is a healthy, safe way to navigate through some very dangerous waters successfully.

God be with us all.

p.s. to those that think they know how their spouse would react if THEY cheated on them...might just think about what you thought before you were betrayed. Until we actually experience a life altering event for ourselves I think it almost impossible to firmly state how another will react.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:12 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Blakesteele, I like alot of what you are saying. I feel the temptation to lower boundaries as well, flirt a little, smile at someone, etc...but in the end I know it's revenge fantasy. I just could not become that person. I guess I just feel so duped into believing the world was a better place, that people were mostly good, etc. and the reality has been a huge slap in my "I have everything money can't buy and am so lucky" face.

That being said, are you free for coffee sometime?

Well, on the record I would just like to say that I know that the world is full of people who value fidelity, and who are capable of forsaking all others despite low self-esteem, boredom and lonliness. I AM ONE! Hooray for me!

Seems to be in the air. Men are starting to really notice me. I dont know why. I wonder if I am putting out a vibe? I am not interested in men. I would remain alone if this doesnt work. I am very serious about that. SO I dont understand the recent attention from men? It does make me feel better. But even in my teens, twenty's I never liked dating. I will not be doing that again.

Oldcow18...I can also relate to your last post...the stark reality how our world is NOW. It is like the rest of the world...our marriages have lost the specialness it once had. And it WAS there...it might not have been as perfect and whole as we once thought....but up until our spouses decided to give away the true uniqueness by inviting another into them it was something unique and special to both of us (my wife and I).

It is like virginity....you only get one shot at keeping it...once it's gone it is not coming back.

I, too, would welcome a coffee with you (or another BS)...and by the statistics we are close to at least one every time w go to a cafe....but you and I recognize the danger of real life meeting and sharing in this fashion.

I do find comfort in knowing there are many men in my situation. In this situation it is nice NOT to be unique and special....kinda takes the edge off.

Right now, for me, working on my marriage with my wife has real value. While it does I regularly pray for courage. Courage to do the right thing, courage to control my selfish desires, courage to look into my core and see as much as me as i can...good and bad, courage to transform myself and to transcend this experience.

God be with us all.

Blakesteele, I was totally joking about the coffee given the topic at hand, thought it might give someone a laugh.

Plainpain, I am one too, but after learning more about infidelity than I'd ever thought possible, I'm sad to know that while we are in good company, there aren't many of us.

I can't throw a stick without seeing infidelity everywhere anymore.

but up until our spouses decided to give away the true uniqueness by inviting another into them it was something unique and special to both of us (my wife and I).

It is like virginity....you only get one shot at keeping it...once it's gone it is not coming back.

This is the one thing I have never been able to get past. FWH and I have been married for over 30 yrs. I had always treasured the fact that I could (thought I could ) say that I was in a long, faithful marriage. That I could take pride in the work and sacrifices we had made to stay together while marriages all around us were falling apart.

I can't say that anymore. I've been robbed of the ability to say that I have been in a long and faithful marriage. And that breaks my heart. Terribly.

I told H that even if we divorced, and I married a new guy tomorrow, chances are that I would not live long enough to one day say that I was in an over 30 yr faithful marriage. That possibly no longer exists for me. He and the whore stole that from me. And I hate it. I absolutely hate it, and it gives me a great deal of sorrow.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 6:13 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

I was the same way. I might notice a guy and think he was cute, but that was it. And yes, there might be a couple of actors who catch my eye...

Now, I notice men all the time, and I wonder the same sorts of things. I also wonder if I'll ever take down the wall I erected around myself during my marriage. I just can't imagine flirting!

Unfortunately, my hubby's inability to see this and to see how his nice, sweet personable character affected those around him is what got him into trouble with the OW. I have been aware of this for years. Now my husband sees the world VERY DIFFERENTLY and it is about time.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 6:21 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]