Hello everyone out there! I'm new to the site. Quite frankly, I am rather new to the whole 'infidelity' thing as well. I've been with my SO for almost 9yrs. The A happened about five months ago and lasted two. Ever since, we've been trying to reconcile. We've had our ups and downs, good days and bad, but I'd like to know if anyone has ever experienced this feeling before...
While we were apart, (He pretty much blindsided me and abandoned a supposedly happy and open relationship without warning) I had to quickly adjust to life without him. I really thought he was gone forever. Within a month, I was going out with friends, meeting new people, starting to date a little, and doing things to expand my own personal growth. I began to feel some confidence in myself and started to feel like someday I could find true happiness, (maybe even love) again. I was hopeful for my future.
Fast forward to now. He's back, he's apologized to me, and says he wants to make it work. I know he's sincere, and I've been willing to forgive and move past it, but there is so much doubt. I used to feel so in sync with him emotionally. I felt so much like I knew him inside and out. Not only is the innocence gone, but that feeling of understanding and being understood is gone, too. I feel like I love him MORE, and I can't stand it. I feel like I'VE got to impress HIM. This is definitely not the way I pictured our reconciliation in my head. I thought that I'd be showered with praise and affection, that he'd proclaim his love from the rooftops. That's what I thought I deserved after all of this, but he hasn't been that committed to reassuring me. He's put doing a lot of those things off and focused on work and business relationships. Maybe not because I'm less important to him, but maybe because right now it's easier to repair his career instead of 'us'. No matter what's behind it, it's still made me feel like I've been pushed aside and placed on the backburner. It's sent me spiraling into self loathing and depression. I feel sometimes like this half-hearted attempt at working things out is all I deserve. Like maybe I'll never get to experience a deep and passionate love. Like I'll never love again. All the confidence I built up while he was away has plummeted. My projects have been pushed aside, and my social life has become practically non-existent because I'm so emotionally drained all the time. It's been almost six months since D-day, and I've never felt more unsure of my future. I'm so sad all the time, and all we want is to be happy together. I just can't accept the idea that our connection wasn't as special and deep as I thought it was. I can't live with the feeling that I love him more than he could ever love me.
Sorry if this is a bit choppy and rambling, I tried to condense things as best as I could. Anyway, I'd like to know if anyone else has had to deal with major depression AFTER their WS's have come back into the picture. Is it normal to be dealing with these feelings now? Did you get through it and move on? Did things get better? Did things end? I'd appreciate any feedback/advice, thanks. <3 <3 <3
[This message edited by EchoLawrence at 5:14 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]