SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm prepared for any 2X4's that may come my way with this post, just be gentle. I'm about 1.7 years out from being divorced & haven't really put my foot in the dating pool too much. Most of my time has been searching inside my self, reading self help books and trying to understand what went wrong. I have dated two men and BOTH have been absolutely incredible. They have shown me how I deserve to be treated and loved (I wasn't in my marriage). So here's my issue both have been decent looking guys, great careers (one a Dr), very close to their families, make me laugh and very understanding of my past when others may just write me off. They have let things unfold at my pace which has been something I never thought existed with men.

Here's the problem one was "too short" for me and the other was "too skinny" for me. I'm learning that I need a guy with some meat on him as well as taller than me but quite a few inches. I'm not talking about muscles all big and buff just a guy who makes me feel protected. This makes me feel extremely shallow but I need to and want to be 100% physically attracted to whomever I'm with.. They could be the best guy in the world but if I don't want to jump his bones I feel like he's just in the "friend zone"

Okay...thoughts, opinions, 2X4's

Physical attraction is just one of those things that you can't force yourself into. It is possible that if you let yourself relax more around these men that attraction might grow, but if you did and it didn't then ... it just isn't there. That's not shallow, it's just a fact.

just a guy who makes me feel protected.

This is something you might want to explore the whys of. I don't know how old you are, but you realize there's a tipping point in aging where Mr. Protector just isn't going to have all over the young guns who'd be "attacking" you.

I do get what you're saying though. I'm very physically fit and very strong. I don't like being with men who I feel that I could easily take down. So from a physical attraction standpoint, taller/bigger is better. That said, the man I'm dating now, while very tall, and super cute, is also noticeably overweight. I thought I didn't like that. After all, I don't walk around saying "ooh look, there's a overweight guy, how attractive!" But this guy? I adore him. The mental connection is there, and I knew that before I ever met him in person, so when I did meet him in person ... I thought, hmm, well let's see what happens here, rather than reject him for not being my physical ideal/type. Can I just say *best sex EVER*. God, he's so awesome, in all ways, in all things. And occasionally he mentions his weight and I tell him the truth. If he wants to lose it I support that. If he wants to focus on being more healthy, I support that. But if he's only thinking he should lose weight to be more attractive to me, well sir, give it up. Because I like you just the way you are.

Sometimes you have to get over yourself and look past yourself to realize what you've got. I'm glad I did.

[This message edited by cayc at 8:35 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

I don't like being with men who I feel that I could easily take down

This exactly!

I gave them both time to kind of let them grow on me so I guess I ended up with the "it's not there" or as they say friend zoned.

^^^^^What Cayc said, what a great out look on your relationship! Kudos to you!

There is nothing wrong with having a physical type with which you are attracted. Everyone has the same issue whether they admit it or not. I'm just curious as to how this forum would have responded if a man had posted the same dilemma. Let's say where weight was an issue for instance...you think there would have been a a 2 by 4 or maybe even a 5. Asurvivor here...protector of my gender hood.

no 2x4's here. You know what you want and don't want and there is nothing wrong with that at all.

I think its fine - you either are attracted to someone or not, and in my experience sometimes the ones you least expect will grow attractive in time as you get to know them. I had one ex-boyfriend in my past whom would seem to be my polar opposite, a shorter guy who looked like he was straight out of the bush. I liked his personality, so we dated and I fell madly in love with him. Unfortunately things didn't work out and I can still say 20 years later that I wished that relationship could have turned out different. I am still heartbroken a little bit (blush).

My ex- husband on the other hand was attractive but had a very small thin build, so small he had to buy track pants etc in the teen boys section of Walmart. I never did find that very attractive and over the years it started bothering me more and more that I felt like an Amazon woman with him. He was strong for a small guy but one night he was in a drunken rage and tried to assault me. Lets just say it didn't take much effort for me to take him down and he didn't ever try that again. Instead he had a mental hold on me which was far worse than physical abuse in my opinion.

Anyways, now I am single and have only dated one man since my divorce. I really liked the guy I dated was a bit bigger than me. It made me feel safe an less like I came from the Amazon forest. In my future I don't want to date anyone that seems frail or weak. Hate to admit that but its how I feel, and I think thats ok!