SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Him, WH 29, Me BW 26. Married 7m, no kids. One car, one apartment, one life that involved constantly being together, which I loved. I got the dog, but also the shaft. I went out of town for work and was only gone for 2 hours when he started looking up stuff on CL and porn and such. Porn never bothered me because porn can't give you herpes and no one is going to leave you for a 5min video clip. But, soliciting sex on CL? I don't like it. But, wait...it gets worse. SOOOO while I'm gone, hubby initially talks nice, treats me well, proud of me, etc. Suddenly, he starts freaking out. "Come home NOW, you can't do this!" Naturally, I told him I'm out for work and there's not much I can help him with as far as coming home. He started being mean, berating me, yelling at me for TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES because i don't like to watch movies...it's not like this is a recent development...nor is it a reason to scream at me. Not liking to sit around watching movies instead of doing my homework or being outside is not a character problem. It is merely a matter of preference. I respect the fact that he likes different things than me, and enjoy that, but I'm not allowed to have outside interests. When we'd gotten off the phone earlier in the day, I was happy that we seemed to be in an okay place after the night before's freak-out. He wasn't thrilled about me being out of town, but he was going to do something for himself and I was, too. I thought everything was cool and we were going to be fine. I fully expected to be one of those couples who could be like, "Oh, you're out of town? Okay, I'm gonna watch the game and drink beer in my underwear." But, when I called back, his tone had totally changed. He was being snide, derisive, and overall unpleasant. I heard him screaming at me and hit "record." I hear him yelling and yelling and yelling...and I hear myself, just saying, "Yeah," just saying, "Okay," just saying, "I'm sorry," so that everything might go away. It didn't. No matter how little fuel I gave his fire, he didn't let up. I cried silently, but he only laughed at my tears. "Why are you crying? You're the one out there having fun and making friends. I'm here all alone and you don't really love me or care about me because you won't drop work and get on a plane right this second." Again, not having done anything but watch a movie with 25 other people at a nice home theater (work event), I'd come straight home to call him and hopefully have a nice conversation. When that didn't happen, I got suspicious and checked his web history. That idiot--while he makes sure to delete it on his comp, he was unaware that Google keeps its own search engine history, to which I had the password. We have a full disclosure agreement since he cheated once in the past, so when he tried that, "Why were you checking up on me?" thing, it was fairly easy to shut down. Anywho, so while he looked on CL every night and added "Mike" to our contact list (we share a phone), I got screamed at. A lot. Welllll, good for me that I checked that history!! This stupid d*ck was googling (EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!) a transsexual/alternative lifestyle after-hours bars and cougar clubs with desperate women IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I never thought I'd lose my husband to transsexuals and strange mommy issues involving women twice my age, but here I am: the exception to the rule. I have a hard time being too upset because I think he has a mental illness. I think BPD is a very likely possibility. It doesn't mean I want to get back together, but I forgive him for what he did to our marriage. He is sick, and, because of that, I lost everything we built together. I lost our dreams of a medical practice and a house out West. I lost our dreams of a family, and kids, and another eighty years together. We were together everyday for two whole years, 24/7, school, home, etc, and this is going to be a big change to finally be alone. He says, "It's not what it looks like; it looks bad but nothing happened." He agreed to take his things, move out of our apartment (I firmly requested he leave), and finally honor my feelings for once in our marriage by GTFO. He thought it was temporary, so he only took one small bag. He didn't even pack his toothbrush. I was not pleased. So, this morning, I packed the rest of his stuff, loaded up the car, and I am currently enjoying how much bigger my new apartment looks! The worst thing about this, though, is that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong! He's like, "I was only looking! It's curiosity!" WTF?? Like maybe once is curiosity, but every night I was gone?? I spent FIVE DAYS in LA and he was pursuing a hookup from the moment I left! I spend all my money on rent and groceries and this douche buys herpes with his. This is not normal. We haven't had sex in months even though we used to be unable to get enough of each other. He's into chicks with d*cks. How can I compete with that????? And cougars?? Seriously?? I was completely in a rush to get divorced because I don't want it to be too late to find love again, but now this idiot American Pie generation has made that obsolete. I read a quote that was like, "Madonna is 56 and her bf is 20-something....blah blah blah...don't worry if you're not dating because he might not be born yet!!" I was more afraid of being left when I got older than being left FOR someone older!! Or temporarily left for him to fuck someone my mom's age (and HIS mom's age) before coming home to me. The worst thing about this is that if I hadn't looked, I would have never known. He would have never looked me in the eyes and said, "I messed up." He would've still brought those roses to the airport, still said, "I love you," while he held my hand, and slept in our bed at night. I would have never known what kind of man I almost had a family with...and that hurts me more than anything. He was willing to indulge his selfishness and go on "loving" me when I was back in town. Also, he said he cleaned the apartment, but my stuff was all packed into corners, nothing was swept or wiped down, and whomever she was, she forgot to flush the toilet.

[This message edited by blindsided03 at 12:01 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. He isn't being honest with you, and his "I was just looking" is right out of the WS handbook. Having him out of the apartment will allow you time and space to decide if his behaviors are dealbreakers. Take care of you first, right now.

I'm sorry. I'm new to this whole deal myself so I can't off anything except good thoughts and virtual hugs.

Good choice. RUN. I had my kids when I was 37 and 39 so you still have time to make a whole new healthy and good life for youself. Its not worth the heartache to stay. Sorry for your situation.

Wow! Thank you guys for all of your support! I know, I totally agree that he is just feeding me crap! He'd be the first person in the history of looking for hookers who wasn't trying to do stuff with them. I firmly explained to him that I've seen enough evidence, there is nothing he can say, and every time he tries to lie, he only looks more and more pathetic. I explained to him that this is truly the paradigm of "wasting your breath." He no longer tries to deny that he is attracted to these things, but I'm still not happy about it. I don't want to be with a guy whom I couldn't leave around my own mother without worrying about his weird, sexual thoughts. It's unhealthy. People should fit in with their peers instead of trying to sleep with people who are their parents' age. I don't think it's healthy for older men to sleep with young women, either. I don't think Daddy Issues are any better than Mommy Issues. I just never thought I'd be with a guy who had them! I never thought that I'd be this tiny statistic! I never thought I'd get divorced. "I was lonely and I missed you," isn't an excuse!! I was lonely, too, AND surrounded by ex-football players (the NFL is like my version of Hollywood movie stars, and he knows that), AND I still didn't sleep with any of them or do anything weird like that!! It's not a reason for what he did, but he's still not fully convinced he did anything wrong. He thinks that this was okay and "didn't do anything" and therefore this is not a big deal. I think soliciting sex with the idea to have an affair before even accidentally meeting the outside love of your life is way f*cked up! Like, who gets married to have an affair ON PURPOSE?? I can't figure it out! it's not like he got drunk and some kind of accidental ONS happened. It's like HE WANTED TO GET BACK AT ME FOR HIS IMAGINATION!! He wasn't upset, or jealous; he was afraid of his own imagination!! The worst thing is, we couldn't afford a honeymoon, so we agreed I'd take this job so that we could spent three months in Asia together!!!!!! I was doing it for US!!! I didn't even want to go!!!! WTF

OMG How refreshing to see that you kicked him to the curb. You saw the handwriting on the wall and you acted. Good for you. If you had stayed with him, you would have been opening yourself up to heartache for a long long time.

Hang in there and find peace and happiness.

Thanks, K9!! I know so many people want to stay, and I wish I could, but I know that people don't change. All these years with a borderline mother and I finally had to let her go. I can easily let him go if I've had to do it with my own mother. It's a real tragedy that I found out that I'm a total enabler, but I still can't blame myself too much for the way that other people's brains fire. I miss his company and being with him, but I know that I would rather be sad for six months than another sixty years. We have to do what's best for us, after all. Just because he wants to stay is no reason to let him.

Stay strong BS3. You seem to be making all the right choices this time.

Thanks, HotCoffee. He's really getting annoying, though. He keeps just showing up at my apartment without calling. Someone is ringing my doorbell now, but I don't care to answer it!! He has no respect for boundaries, regardless of the fact that I kicked him out and none of his stuff is here anymore!! It makes me furious that he's doing this! He's only remorseful because he got caught; he thinks going to counseling is going to make me change my mind, which it is not. I guess I shouldn't expect him to start respecting me when he clearly couldn't handle it while we were married, but I can't help but wish he'd just go ahead and be the guy I thought he was. I'm not happy to have to deal with this and to be afraid to leave my apartment in case he's waiting outside in his car. It's like, if you care so much, and I mean so much to you, then why would you do the things you did to me? It doesn't make any sense! I'm just grateful that he's really annoying me instead of making me want him back! I can't deal with this crap. Like, I left him and he can't go one day without just showing up. Yeah, okay, show up, buddy. NOTHING is gonna make me come to the door.

[This message edited by blindsided03 at 5:24 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

I really hate my stbxh. He's trying really hard to make me feel bad even though he's the one who screwed up our life together. Today, he shut off my cell phone without telling me, so I had to go get a new one. It's very frustrating to have such a juvenile dipshit as a FWH, but I guess that's my cross to bear. I'm just glad that I won't be dealing with him anymore. I was so deeply in love and now he's just trying to get a reaction from me. I deleted him from skype, email, etc...and now i have a new phone number (thanks, dickweed, if you still even use this site anymore now that you know you don't have a chance with me), so I guess he can't get in contact with me unless he sits outside the apartment we used to share. This won't go over well, though, because the landlords already know he moved out and picked transsexuals and cougars and craigslist hookers over me. I wish he'd stop threatening me and pretending like he got a lawyer so he could get our old bed. LOL it costs more to get an attorney than to buy a new bed. He really thinks i'm an idiot