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LA44 (original poster member #38384) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013
Hello, this could be helpful to all of you experiencing triggers. Maybe I should post it in General but since people are actively trying to R, this could help you on your path.
The article is in the Sept issue of Oprah mag and written by life coach, Martha Beck.
She writes about emotional triggers being "set" when we experience trauma/drama - experiences that wound us and the stories we attach to those experiences.
She is tying together past emotional triggers with current ones saying there will be similarities but asks us to focus on the differences between the past and the present.
Ask yourself:
1) What was I feeling right before I began acting badly?
2) What thoughts so I associate with that feeling?
3) When did these thoughts begin?
4) Do I want to keep re-creating that trauma?
I think when people on here talk about "reclaiming" a trigger, they have reached #4. They are aware of the trigger, they acknowledge how they feel/don't stuff it down, they confront it with what is real NOW...they stay in the present. They reclaim it.
A woman on SI recently posted (I think it was JanaGreen) about a vacay she took with her H and how she was able to "reclaim" this very same location where she and her fWS had visited the year before when he was in the A.
Maybe I have not explained this well. But the article does and I just wanted to bring it to your attention.
There is also a short page or two by Brene Brown on page 58 about "setting boundaries".
LA
Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear
meplusfour ( member #38958) posted at 7:00 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013
Thank you. I think I will pick up this issue of O. I need something to read at the pool with the kids that does not have "infidelity", "relationship", "affair" or "forgiveness" in the title. 
BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."
JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 1:32 PM on Wednesday, August 14th, 2013
Hi LA44 - yes, we went on vacation two weeks ago to the same spot we visited last year right before D-Day 2. It wasn't any particular action or step that we took that helped; it was just that his attitude was so different. He was present with us, and we were family together. Last year he was distant and it was as though Baby Green and I were left to do our own thing and he would come down from on high now and then to join us. This year was different. He was THERE and happy to be there.
bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 1:54 PM on Wednesday, August 14th, 2013
Ha ha, meplusfour. . . I am having the same book problem for an upcoming group camping trip!
Also, I am a teacher getting ready to go back to work, and dreading the "what did you read this summer?" question. Um. . . How Can I Forgive You? Not Just Friends? It is a pretty focused list,
me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.
LA44 (original poster member #38384) posted at 10:22 PM on Wednesday, August 14th, 2013
Yeah but JanaGreen, it says a lot about you to be able to GO to the spot that was less than happy the year before and make it work this year. So, while he was present and accounted for, you were in the moment and are the real hero.
Happy for you!
And the issue...it really is quite good.
Happy Reading!
Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear
blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 1:23 AM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013
Thanks LA44...I will look into getting a copy of that.
Wonder if they could put it in a paper bag for me....how does a man carry a Oprah magazine out of the store and remain a man? Good thing this trial has beaten my ego and pride down!
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.
blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 1:48 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013
meplusfour
"I need something to read at the pool with the kids that does not have "infidelity", "relationship", "affair" or "forgiveness" in the title
When possible, I try to buy hardback books...so that I can take the dust jacket off and read it in public places...by the pool and in restaurants during my lunch hour. Someone would have to be really interested to read the spine of the book. When I set it down I put the spine away from others.
Nice to know I am not the only one who thinks about this small detail!
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.
ILINIA ( member #39836) posted at 6:21 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013
I had to smile when I read this. I feel the same way. I have a Nora Roberts book on my night stand as a "prop" to cover all the other books, someday, I am hoping that I will be able to read it.
I am also a teacher and dreading the "How was your summer?" question.
LA44 (original poster member #38384) posted at 6:44 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013
You made me laugh, blakesteele!
I actually found an even better breakdown of triggers in a book I am reading to help me with our son called, Setting Limits for your Strong-Willed Child. Incidentally, for all you teachers reading this post, this book was highly recommended by a teacher friend of mine. It's excellent!
"How was your summer?" question.
This was me re: Christmas 2012. ((for all of you! ))
Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 6:47 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013
ok, I read the article but I don't get it when the trigger is a person/place..
1) What was I feeling right before I began acting badly? GREAT! BUT THEN I SAW THE OW AND I WANTED TO RIP SOMEONE'S HEAD OFF...
2) What thoughts so I associate with that feeling? MY HUSBAND BETRAYING ME
3) When did these thoughts begin? AS SOON AS I SAW HER
4) Do I want to keep re-creating that trauma? NO, BUT HOW DO I STOP IT? THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE, STAY HOME? MOVE?
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