SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I realize that for awhile now I have been extremely unfair to myself. I have been making changes and self discovery but despite them refuse to change the tattered ruined image I developed of myself when I confessed almost a year ago. Despite the changes I make my self image remains that of a broken, selfish, horrible woman who was capable of causing great pain to the person she thought she loved the most in this world. I did love him mind you just not in a healthy manner because mentally I had some very unhealthy thought patterns. Over the past few days due to his actions I realized that I was changing and much stronger then I thought myself to be. It would have been a great comfort and bad coping mechanism to take his actions that make me the betrayed and wrap them around me like a shield focusing on only that. Thing is I can't do that, because I've made bad choices as well that have destroyed me worse then anything he's done. I started the destruction stripping the walls of my persona down to the most fragile paper thin foundations and he has successfully been able to tear that paper thin entity to pieces over and over. Yet each time I get past it quicker, each time I hold my head higher and turn the focus inward not only to my actions that caused me to have an A but to the decisions that are allowing to stay mired in this situation. It is not his fault I choose to stay despite his behavior towards me its mine, and one of the reasons is because I have still been looking at myself unfairly. I have not been fair to myself in the least and I need to start doing so because no one else can be expected to do it for me. Examining my most recent choices seems a good place to start.

Life is very unfair sometimes. I have learned that over the years. About 30yrs ago I also had an A. My XWH#1 had already cheated on me, so I justified my A with that. He was an abusive alcoholic at the time and I thought I was justified in doing what I did. Until I finally was able to start getting my own life together, went to college, got a degree, ect.. I was in denial that what I had with this guy was just an alwful A and that he never even cared about me. That took years. Now being on SI, I see the damage I did to myself and my marriage at the time. I think I stayed in my first marriage for the same reason. I was ashamed of what I had done and spent years trying to make up for what I did. It didn't stop XWH#1 from continuing to be a cheating, emotionally abusive liar. Now as a BS in my second marriage, I can see where alot of WS's can try and justify what they have done. It is a hard thing for me to swallow, even after all these years. I know I was very young and never ever cheated again, but that didn't make it any better. I had to learn to love myself enough to let go of my first marriage and move on. I think you need to do the same. Until you learn to love yourself and respect yourself you will be stuck in this cycle. (((HUGS)))

Those are really good, also really difficult questions to ask. Why do we stay in a situation that's not healthy for us? Some of it are whys, and there are also hows. A why could be like you said - we think badly of ourselves and feel like we've earned being treated badly, even if intellectually we know that it isn't healthy. A how could be not knowing how to leave, not knowing the tools. Keep going, you're asking good questions.