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I am a WW, and have posted a lot in the wayward forum, especially about this topic..but now I have a question for the WS...

When you found out about your WS A, how/when did you know you wanted to R? Did you have hesitations?

How did (or are you) getting past the fear of R and having your trust broken again?

The reason I ask is I am trying to R with my WH but after 8 months of being seperated he still wont let me move back home, and doesnt even know if he wants to R. He says he is so afraid of what may happen if he lets me move back home.

Both myself and his IC have told him it shouldnt take him so long to figure out what he wants....our friends have also told him he needs to make a decision and he should let me move back home.

My heart is breaking for him because I know he is suffering and I dont know how to help him. I dont want to pressure him to make a choice because it was my actions that got us here, but at the same time I have done what I can to prove I want to R, and I am starting to feel like he is going to keep us in limbo forever.

When I first found out, I chose to stay, mainly because I was paralyzed by fear. I honestly didn't know what else to do. Although we started working with a MC immediately, and began the process of R, as the months went by, I questioned my decision to stay on the marriage. This happened as my own fog lifted, and I was no longer surviving just day to day.

Two years and a few setbacks later, I am glad I stayed, but it has not been easy for either of us. I am sure I can NOT survive another dday, and sometimes the fear of that happening can really bring me down. Perhaps fear is driving your BH to not make a decision either way. As far as how I deal with the fear, I try my best to see what my husband is doing every day to help me regain safety. Some days are better than others. I think it will take a long time.

I am so sorry you are still in limbo. It sucks.

You have to go back home. This is limbo.

Sounds like he already made his decision.

I told my fWW to leave, but since she's not from this country she didn't have any place to go. I moved into the living room for 3 1/2 months before I went back to the bedroom. I still wasn't 100% sure at that point, but moving back into the BR and her actions brought me to the full R decision.

Good luck.

I found out on the Friday and by Sunday I knew that I wanted to R. However, I knew that if I wanted to do that, I had to be totally committed to doing it. Which doesnt mean I had to forgive him, just that I had to be committed to putting all I could into R. So did he.

To be honest, being together as much as we can helped enormously. We could spend time together talking, I felt safe when he was with me, he was there to see me triggering and fall in a heap. He was there at three in the morning when I woke him in tears saying "why???". I still feel an enormous amount of fear, and sometimes the memories and mind movies are as fresh as the day it happened.

Fear can be paralysing, but at some point if you dont jump off that bridge, you will never know if you can swim.

I am sure I can NOT survive another dday, and sometimes the fear of that happening can really bring me down.

This is how I (and, I imagine, countless other BS's) feel as well. It is probably this fear that is the biggest deterrent against R. For me, things with my WH are getting better every day. But I'm holding off considering us in R because I still feel like the other shoe has yet to drop (so to speak). If, at some point, I can feel (reasonably) comfortable that I'm not in for another blind-siding discovery, I will start to give more to this relationship than I've been giving.

I've found that with regard to my H's affair, my emotions are very strongly tied to my physical ability... and right now, I'm no more capable of offering R than I am of lifting a car.

A saying you will see a lot on SI: Your mileage may vary, meaning, everybody's situation is different. What might take someone 6 months to work through, someone else may need a year or 2. I can tell you though, the IC's and the friends pushing him to make up his mind - not helpful.

ETA: However, I do think he should allow you to go home. That should help him figure out what he wants so your marriage isn't in limbo forever.

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 9:03 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

So sorry for what you both are going through. This must be a very difficult situation.

Both myself and his IC have told him it shouldnt take him so long to figure out what he wants....our friends have also told him he needs to make a decision and he should let me move back home.

He is making his own decision. He may be tired of others making them for him. Many WS's don't realize when they choose to have an affair, they are also making decisions for their BS without their consent. As a BH, it was one of the things I resented about the affair.

Your BH may also be thinking that his marriage was a mistake and partly blames himself for the failure. If this is the case, he may not want to repeat the same mistake. If everyone is pressuring him to make a decision, he may be in the process of establishing a new support group apart from his current sphere of friends.

I dont want to pressure him to make a choice because it was my actions that got us here

This contradicts what you originally said, where you and the IC are telling him he should not take so long to make a decision.

I am starting to feel like he is going to keep us in limbo forever.

How long are you willing to wait? Have you discussed this with your BH? Are you willing to "date" for awhile until intimacy returns? Perhaps you two can meet part way? For example, coming home on the weekend?

I've seen your posts on the wayward forum. You've still got the OP on your brain. Right? Emotionally/mentally, you aren't NC. I don't know how much contact you have with BH, but he may be picking up on this, extending his desire to keep you away.

Honestly, I would focus less on moving back in and more on NC. I also don't think 8 months of separation means he's made his decision, though. Loads of people take a year to decide (in fact, that's recommended) and if separation is the way he wants to take his time and decide, so be it. Those in R are recommended to live together. Sometimes living together in limbo can help the BS better see the actions of the WS. However, I also think taking a lot of time and space allows the BS to get their priorities straight without the influence of the WS. To each their own. Has he given you the reason why he needs to make a decision in this way? Without you present?

Grieving alone is a preference for people as well and he's gotta be in a whole lotta grief right now.

To answer your question, it took me a few months after D-Day 1 to decide to R. And 6 months after D-Day 2. Even though the D-Day 2 revelations were far worse, I gained trust because his changes are so profound and they were immediate. He hit rock bottom and started climbing, inch by inch. After D-Day 1, the changes were more surface. It is about fully embracing a new life and a new way of doing things. When I saw that, I started to believe and started to trust it might be possible, but gave myself a few more months before committing to MC which, to me, is the first official commitment I've made to R.

Interestingly, my real "aha" moment with deciding to R is that I'm just not fearful. I refuse to live that way and a lot of it is personal and has nothing to do with WH. But a lot of his actions soothed any remaining fear and continue to do so each day.

Me and my WH are already working towards R. However, he has demonstrated true remorse, going to IC, has done what I have asked so far, and he is not pressuring me. Most important he is NC with OW. If you have not completely cut contact and let go, how can your partner move forward with you. If you can't let go, I don't think your BS should move forward with you. You aren't ready if you haven't let to. If your not willing to do the work you need to do its not fair to ask your BH. That's just my opinion.

IMO it sounds like he's waiting for you to put the bullet in.

I.. well, I took my wife to Nordstroms the day after since it was mothers day.

I told her what I wanted for us to stay together, she agreed and we worked on it together from there. Everyone is different though. We all follow our own timelines.

You can't help someone who won't let you. If he won't let you move back, you need to decide how long to wait before you move on. You can tell him you want to try to work on it, you're willing to do what he wants, but if he won't accept that you can't force it.

Thank you everyone for your input, it is helpful to hear the opinions of other BS's.

Harden my heart,

I didnt mean to contradict myself, but I do see it. I guess the thing is after reading a lot on the BS forums I have seen what people feel and experience, but I havent seen any of these things in my BH.

He says he know he needs to make a decision, but I havent seen him take any steps to do that yet. I dont want to pressure him to make a decision, but I also dont want him to not work through his feelings and deal with it, which is what he is doing now. I think he has been surpressing a lot, which I dont want him to do because then he wont be able to heal. I hope this makes some sense.

As for going home on the weekends, we are both skeptical to do that because we have a 4 year old daughter and dont want to confuse her...it would be to much for her if it were that inconsistent.

I am NC with my AP...I am currently searching for a new job so I dont have to see AP anymore....as for the emotional NC, this is something I have been working on for the last few months in my own IC. My BH and I havent discussed much about my feelings towards the AP, as my BH has told me he doesnt want to know about it.

Ms. Rukia,

You do bring up a good point, and I have asked my BH what he needs me to do to help him to regain trust in me, but he has said he doesnt know....I have deactivated my FB account (thats how I interacted with AP) and have offered to give him full access to my cellpone, or to even get rid of it. And like I said, I am going to quit my job soon once I find another.

Alyssa,

I get that he just might not know what he needs and wants from you. I am still figuring it out myself. Just let your H know what you want. Let him know that you want to give him what he needs, but that your not a mind reader. You can't fix what he doesn't tell you. Keep working in you and you have to decide whether he is worth waiting for or not. If he is then you should figure out why you are feeling impatient.

Thank you Ms. Rukia,

I think the reason I am impatient is because I want to fix things so badly. I want to be able to move back home so we can reconnect and rebuild our marriage, and so I can prove to him that I understand how badly I messed up, but I want to fix it.

And yes, in the meantime I will continue to work on myself....I have made some progress so far but know that I still have a lot of work to do!!

Hi Alyssamd24,

I have read some of your posts on the Wayward Forum also.

I guess I go on there at times to try to understand what went on in my WH's mind, that he was intimate with another woman, while I, his life partner, was home taking care of his kids.

When you found out about your WS A, how/when did you know you wanted to R? Did you have hesitations?

WH has been living back home with me & the kids for a year and three quarters. I wasn't sure when I let him come home, & I still have doubts a lot of the time. It is a lot of hard work repairing the damage he did. Not only the damage of his A, but all the lying, TT, & continued contact with OW after Dday.

I dont know how to help him.

It is my gut feeling, from reading your posts on wayward forum, that how you can help him is to give him time.

Read "the Lifeboat" , if you haven't already:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101

Both myself and his IC have told him it shouldnt take him so long to figure out what he wants....our friends have also told him he needs to make a decision

Honestly, this very statement gets me, as a BS, angry. Nobody has any right to tell a BS how long it should take them to "get over it and move on." Walk in our shoes first and you'll see. We feel so trapped between a rock & a hard place---It was done to us & we didn't have a choice about being put in this position.

None of our options for the future look good.

And like I said, I am going to quit my job soon once I find another.

As a BW whose WH still works with OW, I can tell you that (2 yrs 3 mos post Dday) every single morning when he leaves for work, I wonder if he will see OW. Doesn't make me feel very safe, & this has for sure hindered our R.

What have you done to make your BH feel safe? If you want to prove to him that you mean it (that you want R), quit working with the OM.

I bet he might feel more like taking a risk and giving you his heart again if you did not work with OM.

Sorry Alyssa, don't mean to hurl so many 2 X 4's. I commend you for coming here & being willing to work on this. Wishing you good luck.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 12:26 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Alyssamd24....

Reading everything here and in the WS posts maybe what you should do is just focus on yourself. Everyone here talks about 180. I have to say I have never had to do this. I have a remorseful spouse and he has moved mountains to fix his past mistake.

Maybe if you do a 180 on him he will figure out one way or another what he does want.

I know you understand that what you have done has hurt your BS very badly. It may or may not be fixable. Even if it isn't you need to work hard to figure out why you did this, especially if you have a 4 year old daughter. Your daughter doesn't deserve to be in the middle of all of this and I would hope that you would want to not take the negative forward with you, no matter if it is with your current husband or someone totally different.

T

Someone suggested you try dating your BS, are you doing that? Your only real chance at R is to show him, through your words, but especially through your actions that you are changing and becoming someone he can trust again someday.

No one can read his mind from afar. If I were you, I'd set up an MC appointment and invite him. The 180 does not apply to your situation per se, and neither is it meant to be used as a ploy to get our partner's attention.

Took me 3 years to fully commit to the idea of reconciliation. Anything else would have been rushing it.

(It's worth noting, however, that my wife and I remained living together...but I literally considered the option of visiting the lawyer on the way home from work almost every day of that three years.)

When you found out about your WS A, how/when did you know you wanted to R? Did you have hesitations?

At first, I didn't know for sure. And yes, there was plenty of hesitation. Basically in the beginning I agreed to try. Pretty much bc we started out so in love and it sickened me to think our story was going to end like that. But honestly, I didn't think it would work. I did not see how it was possible to ever get past this. I did not see how we could ever be truly happy ever again. But I figured that if we got to a better place with each other at least it would lead to a more amicable divorce.

But much to my surprise, it seems to be working. We are 9 months in and things are so much better. But it has taken sooooooooo much work. I know everyone always talks about doing "the work" around here, but the intensity of it is hard to describe. We talked about this EVERY NIGHT for the first 7 months. Finally in the last 2 we've been able to start working on some marriage enrichment stuff as well. But my point is that with you guys living separately, this is not possible. Apology is not something you do once and are done with in this situation. It happens several times every day. By being especially considerate. Or by expressing concern if your BS gets a funny look on their face. No matter how remorseful you are, he won't be able to realize it if he doesn't see it day in and day out. Because in this situation, a spoken apology, no matter how sincere or how many times repeated, is not enough. BS's need to see actions. And he can't see yours if you aren't together.

However, you can't "make" him want to live with you right now. But somehow you need to get across to him that you are remorseful every second of the day. And if he won't let you see him, the only way I can think of to do this is through texting. Blow up his phone. Don't make them all lovey dovey at this point. Make them considerate and inject remorse here and there. Text him good morning when you wake up. Text him good night before you go to bed. Reveal some feelings. Tell him you are looking for a new job. Bc it makes you sick to be there now. Tell him the things you always liked about him. That he's a good father or whatever. And that you can't understand how you could have ever lost sight of that. Let him know that you are hurting without making it sound like you are feeling sorry for yourself. Tell him that you cried all day and that the worst part is knowing that as bad as you feel, you know he feels ten times worse. Etc. You get the drift.

Be prepared to get no response or a negative one at first. Keep doing it anyway. Do not let up. Show him you are tenacious. I know people say to be patient and that is absolutely true. But I really think you are at the point where it's time to do something drastic. You are not an unremorseful spouse who is going to hurt him again. YOU know this, but he doesn't. And he never will if you don't communicate.

In the meantime, I would keep working on yourself. Throw your whole self into this in any way you can think of, but prepare yourself for worst case scenario. Honestly, I think he is trying to detach to make the final split easier for him (sorry...). But it gives me hope that he hasn't actually filed. If he really wanted to be rid of you that badly I can't help but think he would have already done so. I think he must still want you and is just waiting for a reason to believe that he is not stupid for feeling that way.

Lastly, I think that if you get to the year mark and nothing has changed, then you will possibly have to do the thing I know you don't want to do. And I don't mean things should be all better by then. By any means. But if you can feel no willingness at all from him at that point then it is time to decide what comes next. It is not healthy for either of you to stay in limbo forever. I think it would be time for both of you to either decide to really give R a try (with you in the house) or end things. Perhaps make it clear that just bc you will be trying your best at R doesn't mean that it will work. But the way things are now will definitely not work.

One more thing before I close this book (ha!) is:

Both myself and his IC have told him it shouldnt take him so long to figure out what he wants....our friends have also told him he needs to make a decision and he should let me move back home.

Be careful with this. This would make me feel like people were ganging up on me and making ME into the bad guy. Not the type of feeling I know you are trying to foster right now.

Good luck. I know you must be getting desperate and I feel for you. I'll be pulling for you over here...

The day after Dday I committed to trying for one year. I was not really committed to R until about 10 months. My commitment to R was directly related to my fWS commitment to winning me back. It started with seeing her compliance to my requests and continued to her being proactive.

I needed to see her FIGHT for me and for us.

I agree with Knowing. Court him, date him, win him. Don't wait for him to just invite you back. Don't take him for granted.