Just relapsed, and would appreciate some insight and advice on a new DDay. A couple weeks ago I started thinking about AP again, and instead of resisting I indulged. I looked at AP's FB, watched him in a televised performance, and wrote a couple of gushy emails that I didn't send. Not because I'm so committed to R that breaking NC would be 20 kinds of wrong, but because I outed AP to OBS and was terrified he'd reciprocate
Essentially, I slipped back into dissasociative fantasy-land, which IC says was my means of coping with PTSD from CSA. Since then (age 7 or so) I've routinely escaped to an alternate fantasy world in my head. After puberty the fantasies became erotic. When my A started this January, AP assumed the role previously occupied by random (usually dark/evil) fantasy characters.
Thanks to IC and reading, I'm boarding up fantasy-land, and starting to reconnect with and identify my emotions. This may be difficult for many people to comprehend, but I truly never felt many emotions. BH used to say I was a Vulcan without the logic. I identified with many characteristics of sociopaths.
So, what caused my relapse? Weakness, yes, but did something trigger me? BH was incensed that I broke NC; he doubts I didn't send the emails, but IMO writing them and breaking all kinds of virtual NC is just as bad anyway. While BH was throwing things and screaming GTFO on Friday night, instead of complying & apologizing I played the "Yeah, because monogamy was such a sacred tenet of our M" card.
Background: before and throughout our M, BH openly slept with several women, and I had a few women, usually in BH's presence. Sex with OM ("other men" in general, not a specific OP) held zero appeal for me, but BH always said I could have an ONS (with a man) so long as BH and OM never knew each other existed. Well, maybe a year ago, something snapped and I started lusting after OM. Having a random ONS seemed gross, impractical and dangerous, so eventually I decided to check out Ashley Madison (yeah, so safe). Clearly I knew deliberately seeking out an EA/PA was outside the scope of our M agreement, so I seriously considered renegotiating with BH; but, he never wanted to know, and damn it, I really wanted OM, I felt it was "my turn."
BH busted me after 2 APs (AP1 couldn't get it up) in 3 mos.. Initial DDay was on day 3 of AP2's weeklong visit from Europe, and BH let me go back to him twice, figuring I'd get it out of my system. My IC says the intense sensations I felt with AP2 weren't "like a drug, they are a drug." When I first kissed AP2 (in January, his first visit, we kissed once), the phenethylamine injection made my head explode; once I was hooked it was hard to kick. During my relapse, I was essentially "using" again. That is not what I want, I want to close fantasy-land forever, I love BH, I want our M, I want to hold hands with him at DS's wedding in 20-30 years.
Some may say our M arrangement makes BH "less betrayed" than other BSs. Monogamy may not have been a virtue in our M, but honesty and loyalty were, and I betrayed that--BH never did. In the A emails, which BH read, I praised the APs and trashed BH. That was shitty, BH didn't deserve that, and I'm so sorry, I wish I'd been emotionally mature enough to realize that I needed therapy, not illicit sex. Or at least, had the guts to renegotiate our agreement. But I wanted it, and I was afraid BH'd say "no." My As were as bad as any other WW's, even though I believed (and told APs) I was technically "allowed" to have sex with OM, I knew the romantic attachment and lying were completely unauthorized.
BH will read this, so I'm trying to stick to facts and refrain from speaking for him, but he's clearly angry and hurt by my intial and recent betrayals. R had been going pretty well, BH recently said I was "doing a great job" on myself and us, but he also recently said he's been easy on me, and I haven't suffered enough. We've been in separate bedrooms the last two nights, and haven't spoken much.
So, WTF is my deal? I'm not sure, but I keep going back to our previous M arrangement, and eventually I'd like us to try MC and dig into that. BH says we both agreed to it, we have (now) decided to be monogamous, so there's nothing to discuss.
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 3:12 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]