SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This was my 10th visit, she's been really great, but tonight she seemed to turn the table a bit and it pixxed me the eff off!

She told me that it could have been so much worse, that it was just sex and cheating is rampant...etc. etc. etc. I'm assuming her thought process was to "put things in perspective" for me, but instead it upset me a great deal. I couldn't hold it together, was shaking, like I had to prove that despite the fact that he didn't love AP and despite the fact that he didn't leave me for her I AM STILL SO EFFING DEVASTATED.

I just don't understand and now feel slightly betrayed by HER. WTF?

I would have been pissed off, too!

Did she give examples? Because I don't know could be worse than this. I'm confused.

(((Hugs)))

Our MC pulled something similar a couple of months ago. I called her out on it. I was very upset. WTF says stuff like that? It just makes you feel, EVEN MORE, like you did not do anything wrong yet you are being punished (and no one else is).

I had a therapist that had this approach about other things, this was well before the cheating. His point was to reframe things. I do not think that therapists that approach infidelity in a trauma/PTSD way have that view. It would be invalidating of the trauma. Might be time to question the iC on their view of trauma.

Always did hate the "just sex" phrase. Like sex ISN'T something deeply special and intimate.

I had a counselor say something similar to me. I do think it is their way of trying to put things into perspective. Mine said something along the lines of "at least he wasn't emotionally involved"

He may not have been emotionally involved but he's cheated on me through our entire relationship! How am I supposed to be relieved about no emotional involvement.

I think unless they've been through it personally, they have no idea how to relate, they only have what they might think it would be like. In those cases I think they are better keeping their mouths shut.

Of course it could be worse. It could always be worse. You don't tell a dude who broke his thumb with a hammer that he could have chopped his dick off with a chainsaw.

eta:

Or the guy who chopped his dick off with a chainsaw that hey, he won't get bitched at for splash damage when he takes a piss at night anymore since he has to sit down to pee now.

eta again:

Always did hate the "just sex" phrase. Like sex ISN'T something deeply special and intimate.

I wonder what the therapist would say if someone fired back with "Oh yeah? Wanna fuck?"

Sorry I keep coming back to this. It's a shitty thing to hear, sorry you had to hear that OP.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 9:47 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Wow, hearing this makes me appreciate so much more my IC who would never let those words flow from her mouth.

It is as if she is trying to minimize in an attempt to make you feel better...that's terrible.

it could have been so much worse

Obviously, she has never had a cheating H.

In contrast, my IC stated:

"The only thing worse is dealing with the death of a child"

You have no obligation to stay with this IC. If you don't feel that she is experienced with infidelity you may want to find someone else.

(((hugs)))

That is like telling someone who has had a leg amputated that it could have been worse, it could have been both hands and both feet.... How is that helpful in your healing? You still have to learn to live without one leg!

Cheating is betrayal. Sure it could have been worse, but one you are betrayed that line has been crossed and it does not matter that someone else has been betrayed in a different way that an outsider thinks is "worse"

I told my daughter's psychologist about my H's affair because it was obviously impacting family dynamics. Her response? 'This is why people should take affairs to their grave. They relieve themselves of pain and put it onto the other person'. I thought that was bizarre, since I was 'happy' to finally FINALLY have the truth about my own M. She was in the midst of a D, and I would suspect that there was an A involved in there somewhere for her. I don't know if therapists are fully able to separate out their own experiences from those of the people they are counseling.

I do tell myself often, 'Well, at least he didn't A, B, C'. I can do that - nobody else is allowed to do that on my behalf. It's dismissive. Only I am allowed to say what is a better/worse scenario for me. He frickin' gave her the sweater I bought him. Explain why that hurts more than knowing she gave him a BJ. Well, at least he didn't actually like her? Whatever. I ironed the shirts that he wore for his 'dates'. At least he wasn't emotionally involved? Well, he sure as heck wasn't 'emotionally involved' with me at the time, and he was still effing me, too.

OldCow -

You have every right to be angry/hurt/outraged/disgusted by that. I can only imagine how shocking it must have been.

Were you able to express to her how/why that was so upsetting?

Oldcow, (God I hate calling you that), I know just how you feel. Our first MC said several things equally stupid. We dumped him.

(((Oldcow18)))

And stillgoing, you're killing me! Love your humor, you always make me LMAO. First time I've laughed this whole shitty week.

I wonder what the therapist would say if someone fired back with "Oh yeah? Wanna fuck?"

Priceless!

At least he wasn't emotionally involved? Well, he sure as heck wasn't 'emotionally involved' with me at the time, and he was still effing me, too.

^^this^^ "At least he didn't love her" .... well, he sure as shit didn't love me either while he sexted her night after night while I cooked his dinner or sat beside him on the couch. He didn't love me while they had their hands all over eachother each day at the office. And he sure didn't love me while making a video of himself masturbating for her in my bed. PLEASE.

You know, I was so surprised, and I go so upset and flustered that I didn't really explain to her why what she said was so upsetting, but I think we are going to have to discuss it next time and I will have to make a decision to stay with her or leave. She has also been in the "don't ask for details" camp, although I stressed to her how that wasn't going to work for me.

Of course she has next week off.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 8:40 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Simplydevastated, the examples she gave me were that he could have loved her. He could have come home, confessed, and told me he was leaving me for her.

There's reframing and there's minimizing. And your IC's "it was just sex and could have been so much worse" is minimizing.

I agree with the previous poster who suggested you explore her approach to trauma.

I could not stay in the care of someone who did not view infidelity as a trauma---and one NOT to be minimized.

("Just sex" is pretty fraught with danger these days, and "could have been worse" really discounts the BS's feelings of, "Wow---s/he was willing to risk EVERYTHING, including my health and life, for 'just sex' s/he claimed was meaningless! If it was meaningless, what does that make me?")

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:55 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

I don't think this IC of yours has any idea of the devastation of an A to the BS. With what you have said, I would find another IC. I personally do not use an IC for this very reason. I know what I feel and do not want anyone else to try and minimize it, rug sweep it, or tell me what I need to do to heal. I already know that it will take time and alot of it for me to reclaim what is mine in my own mind. I don't need an IC for that. I am sure there are some really good IC's out there, but from what I have read on here alot of them don't have a clue.

I’m a newbie at this and maybe shouldn’t chime in but this struck a chord with something my IC told me this week.

She was explaining the different types of affairs. She said all types are devastating to a marriage and especially to the betrayed spouse.

But she also said it is often more difficult to pull a wayward spouse back to reality from an EA or an EA that had just recently turned into a PA.

Maybe that was what your therapist was trying to say and just worded it very poorly.

It would have pissed me off also