SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How does one do it?

Many years ago, I was taken aback by my H pressuring me to actively find a play partner in our marriage. This wasn't a foreign talk entirely because we had been friends for years before we were anything more and we were both involved in the bdsm/kink community to varying degrees. No, I didn't even know what a 'boundary' was then. When we got together, we were both all about each other...like we'd finally found exactly what we needed. We lived together, got married, had a baby...I was so thrilled to have so,done who loved me so much and knew how to show it.

Suddenly, he wanted other people involved. I tried not to take it wrong and I had my own little intrigues but I didn't really want to interfere with the close love and attraction I had for him. I began then telling myself it was just sex and breaking it down in my mind to very clinical details...removing the emotional sacred attachments. Many things happened but every event became more involved and more stripping away of everything I held sacred. I was molested by a stranger, had a miscarriage despite hardcore birth control by my non-married partner, heard me H tell another woman he loved her...it broke my heart but I let it go and allowed myself to fall in love with someone else too but all along, I hated how he and I were losing anything 'us'.

Things to worse and worse plus life was kicking my ass as well..it was awful and I crumbled. Eventually, my H went on to tell me we needed a short separation so we could work on our marriage and it was then that I found he had been having an affair for about a month I had known nothing about. Our short separation became a much longer one during which I suffered horribly but also grew up a lot, discovered boundaries and found what I wanted in a relationship. Eventually, we got back together and had a great couple years until he blew my world apart in the worst debacle to date. I have rug swept aplenty through the past but I've fought very hard not to this time and this time, he has changed immensely but as we try to reconnect...I no longer know what intimacy looks like. Particularly sexual intimacy. It's just sex, right? The sacredness of sex is the first thing I gave away...everything else was taken and given to others as I begged him to stop. Now, we are working hard on R. He's working harder than I am I think...idk. I'm working awfully hard but I'm hurting. He's much more settled and assured with himself. I want to make love but I don't know what that is any more. I protected myself so hard with making it nothing that now it is.

How do I begin rebuilding this once I trust him enough to do it? I think it could even help with trust, if I could just feel it but I'm left with knowing I'm nothing special and there is nothing sacred about us and our relationship. I'm interchangeable with literally anyone else. He says that isn't true but I've lived it several times over and with more than just him. My first H told me I didn't bring anything to the table that he couldn't provide himself and completely ignored me for years. I loved and cherished how my current H made me feel like I was wonderful and so special...right up until he no longer did. He still says I'm wonderful, amazing..etc...but I have no idea why. I mean, I know I have some things about me that are pretty cool...it's not self esteem...but between me and him. Between us, I could be anyone. His AP's have all been night and day from me and even each other in many ways. I could be anyone and by definition, you don't get any less special than that.

So. Where do I start to find intimacy? Or do I just give up and pretend for the rest of my life?

It's been a rough couple days.

That's a tough one. Intimacy is challenging in general especially after infidelity. Are you guys going to MC or are you in IC? That has helped me and my W a lot. We are just starting to find intimacy again. We have struggled the last year. One word of advice try not to compare yourself to the AP. I have a hard time with that but it will get you no where. You would be comparing fantasy to reality. Definitely focus on boundaries. You will have to dig deep and redefine what sex means to you guys. I know I have had to.

Thank you for the response:)

We are in bot MC and IC, which helps a lot although I often feel like I can't get past the mind blowing double betrayal of the last debacle to actually be able to move forward. >.<

I feel like I should be moving forward and I can't...in any way. I go through the motions but all the passion, heart felt burning desire...all the things that added healthy excitement to OUR world are just gone. I really do want to feel it too. I still find him sexy and intriguing...but it's just mixed with remembering that he isn't.

Bleh...I'll bring it up with MC tomorrow and see what she thinks.

I am not sure what true, deep intimacy looks like...my wife is also curious. Neither of us have seen it modeled by our parents...we are not sure if we had it in our marriage pre-A.

I would be interested in what your MC advises to rebuilding intimacy.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:46 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Please forgive me if this is off base, but I feel like what you went through with the open marriage is akin to abuse. I think you will have to recover from it in the same way that sexual abuse survivors do.

If your husband pushed this, then I hope he is getting help as well. I don't mean to sound puritanical, but the fact that you sounds so dissassociated from sex makes me think that. I am not judging you morally. . .to each his/her own, but I think it is apparent this was very destructive to you.

Well, my IC said that intimacy could only be found once trust is underway. The point I keep coming back to is how does he rebuild trust with me when it seems there is nothing he can do? When he is focused on me and not on other women, he is wonderful. Always has been...ths is why women want him so often...they LOVE how he treats me...until they realize he actually treats me like shit once he goes into Mr. Hyde mode. Anyways, he's always really wonderful until he makes the shift so now that he's working really hard, he's being really wonderful. I like this but it's nothing new at all and means nothing in the bigger picture so what can he do? Nothing. There's nothing but time to pass until it doesn't hurt anymore and intimacy must wait.

The other thing IC pointed out is that obviously I love him or I wouldn't be here and if I'm going to choose to stay, why not just love him and enjoy him? There's really nothing else to do if I'm staying. She says that no one can really trust anyone else and I've long known this to be true...I just didnt want to believe it of my H.

It's been a really rough few days. I don't know why I'm so angry I can't stay in my skin right now.

As for abuse...you aren't off base at all. I've gone through some really awful things...extreme even by SI standards due to the very mixed up boundaries of the world we inhabited. Then through in a healthy dose of mental illness and you had a serious shit storm. It's sad but it has made me fierce and strong. I don't always have a good understanding of things...I'm bipolar and I was completely untreated for years of our mess. The whole thing was just ridiculous.

At this end of things, I've learned a lot and I no longer just allow crap to happen. I understand him better than anyone but it doesn't mean I have to suffer because of it. Now, we both understand things we didnt. We just need the missing details...oh, and I need a boatload of forgiveness...and perhaps a lobotomy. :/