Long winded post, please bear with me.
So ashamed of myself and for what I’ve done. It’s been three months since DDay and only three weeks since the last TT. A huge relief has been felt since all the lies are finally out. It seems I felt I was protecting myself by continuing to lie when I thought I was just protecting my BGF. What crap!! Everyone told me to come 100% clean but the lies flowed so naturally. Once they came out, I felt I needed to protect those lies. I’ve never felt so horrible. I see my BGFs face every day and hurt for her knowing I made the worse choice a man could make. It’s hard to understand why her pain, seen every day, didn’t have the affect then as it does now. If I would have only stopped sooner, I would have more hope.
A short story about me and the As and what I believe led to them as realized through IC, MC, introspection, and interrogations by my BGF. For years I have gone through depressive episodes during the winter months most likely due to this being the time of year my mother passed away. I always thought I had never fully grieved over her passing and instead locked my feelings into a box. I have found that my ability to compartmentalize feelings and emotions has become a regular thing. Most likely this gave me the ability to have two As. The first was a yearlong A that started as reconnecting with an old high school friend that turned into flirting and then sexting. The second A is the most shameful and disgusting thing I could have done. I had an affair with my first cousin. I do not understand how my morals could have been completely lost or pushed aside to allow her into my life that way. She came on to me while I visited just before Christmas but I did see it. I have been so naïve and have been so lax on my personal boundaries (discovering more internal issues as the days go on). Through my BGFs constant questions about details and interrogations and investigation of phone records, I have been made aware of the extent of the obsession I had with the OW. My job at the time required me to sit in the back of a van by myself for 8-12 hours at a time. No real contact with the outside world. OW was a stay at home mother. The ability to talk and chat obsessively was enormous and taken advantage of. I learned that my depression sought out attention from others and not from my BGF. I rewrote my BGF and my relationship to be bad thinking that was the cause of my depression and unhappiness. The EA became a PA in one month as I flew to a city near her where we met and spent four days together. It’s hard to fathom that deep down I knew it was so wrong but I couldn’t seem to stop myself nor did I want to try. I was confronted by my BGF on a Saturday afternoon when she showed me the enormous detailed phone bill. I remember I couldn’t believe the size. That day I admitted to the affair but one day later I tried to convince her that I lied because that was what she wanted to hear and I saw it as my way out of an unhappy place. My other reason was to protect the OW who was herself married with 4 children and had told me that he was abusive. I feared for her safety since my BGF called her H. Long story short, I continued to lie about the A through a couple MC sessions. The OW and I agreed to stop talking and we’d reestablish contact with each other after things calmed down at our homes. This was in March. This was the last time we communicated in any fashion not counting a no contact letter after discovery and a phone call I made at the request of my BGF to the OWs H admitting to the A and apologizing for my disrespectful actions. The OW denied it heavily in the background screaming nasty comments to me.
Now it’s all out in the open and the details have been revealed. Of course because of my TT my BGF still believes there are more lies she just hasn’t uncovered yet. She admits that I have shown remorse and is doing the things I need to do to be transparent and supportive. All except the times where my frustration takes over at her constant berating and name calling still going on to this day. I know I deserve the thrashing she gives me. There is no excuse for what I’ve done. I find myself so angry at myself. I misdirect the anger and frustration toward her in defense of adding more pain. A are a selfish act and I’ve found I was a highly selfish person. I’m finding this has been the case most of my life. I’m finding that I may have more past issues that I’ve put in a box and not ever dealt with that left me vulnerable to these poor choices.
So here’s one of my many questions. I read that I am supposed to stop being frustrated and own my mistake and know that this is my doing. I feel I have owned my mistake, done the steps to begin R by NC, MC, IC, and being supportive as much as BGF would allow. What were some ways that other WS kept their frustration and impatience from showing which I know causes more anger and hurt from their BS. I have many more questions that most likely should be individual posts. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I really am trying to get to a R point with my BGF but her anger is so strong right now. I’m losing hope. I see so many posts where it appears that both parties are committed to R. How long does it take to get to that point? She’s tried for so long to work on us while I continued TT before I came out of my fog and saw the enormity of my destruction. She said and I believe that she’s done. I’m a trigger for her. I’m feel I’m holding on to every last shred of hope by the tiniest things she does, like tell me to post on her and get support and help, keep going to IC, read, journal.
If you’ve gotten this far in the post, thank you. I cannot stress enough how much I want to stop her hurting and be the man she deserves. I really screwed up. I appreciate your attention.
