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I feel as if I am on drugs today- all hazy and cloudy with a head full of detached nonsense. It's like I have taken a painkiller and sedative at the same time... (No I don't do drugs of any sort. Wish I did though. )

It's been a hellish week. My H is recovering well after his accident. We had a meeting with the prosecuters yesterday. Because of the circumstances- me filing for D, him getting drunk as a reaction and crashing his car, no one else injured or property damaged, no prior criminal record or traffic violations... He is lucky, that he has to do 25 hours of community work at a centre for victims recovering from accidents and attend an alcohol counseling programme. Should he not they will prosecute the drunk driving offence. So lucky WH.

We - I don't know how we are doing. We have had two enormous arguments about his A in this week which left me crying myself to sleep. I am so sick and tired of things relating to his A. I felt emotionally worn down. WH desperatley wants to R. I don't know. I wanted or want a D. I am just so tired that I can't think what to do- drugged brain feeling. I am leaning towards R too when I am with him. He is trying so hard. When I am alone I want a D. I am so sick of it all. So now I just enjoy feeling like I have a drunk buzz. I haven't been drinking or drugging but it feels like I have. Dont know why. (And yes I make my own food and drink, so no spiking.)

Brain just feeling buzzed...

[This message edited by AStar at 8:54 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Astar...

felt a bit like you last night as well. I am going to follow what my gut is telling me. I suggest you do the same....our subconscious is helping us get through this, thank god for that. We are on different paths but I think we just both have to look within and do what it is telling us.

T

What you have experienced is extremely traumatic. The feeling you have is probably your body trying to protect itself

The best thing to do is take care of yourself. If you can, do IC. Take things one day at a time.

((Hugs))

I think that it's lingering shock. Your body and brain are trying to insulate you, if you will, from the pain and emotions. I have no doubt that it will strike at some point. But for now, let yourself sink a bit into the fog and make no binding decisions until you're able to.

And your WH was incredibly lucky. Incredibly. I hope he realizes that.

I think your body is saying, I'm shutting down for a bit til I can regroup. I've experienced that feeling before. If it doesn't go away, might need some AD. I finally had to take them. I couldn't get through a day without falling asleep. I forgot Dr appts, paying bills, even grocery shoppiing was exhausting because I couldnt figure out what to buy. I'm glad your ws is ok.

I can relate - am 3 months behind you Dday wise. THIS really is where I am.

I am so sick and tired of things relating to his A. I felt emotionally worn down. WH desperatley wants to R. I don't know. I wanted or want a D

I am just spent. I can't focus on "us" and I just feel done. Period.

Hoping it's just a bad week for you and things stabilize.

((((HUGS)))

I almost remember those days. Most of us will have days and period of time that we can not recall very well. You have experienced one of the most stressful things you will every go through in your life. This is very normal. Don't worry about it, at the end of the day if you and your children(if you have them) are still alive and well, it was a successful day.

I remember teasing my parents for needing post-it notes everywhere to remind them of stuff, and guess who needs to write EVERYTHING down on a calendar or post-it note now to remember stuff? <blush> There's definitely a foggy feeling for sure..

I would say your WH got VERY lucky. People change their actions when the consequences are bad enough that they don't want to face those again, so I hope he learns a lot from the community service. Drinking and driving is NEVER okay..

And I think you should take a break. You really DON'T have to decide R or D right now. Lots of people "decide" to R, but end up D. And lots of people "decide" to D, but end up R. There's really no rush right now, there's no right answer, and I think his actions moving forward will tell you a lot of what you need to know. If he is "pushing" you to "decide" right now, well I don't think he should be doing that. He needs to back off and let you decide if you want to give him the GIFT of a chance at R.

I remember one particular text from STBX after S, but before I filed D, that said something like, "Well tell me now what you want to do, cause if we are over, I'm gonna start dating."

If your H truly, TRULY wants to R, he won't push you right now, he will give you some space, and he will do what he is supposed to to fix himself whether you stick around or not..

Big hugs to you..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 7:22 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

I remember wanting to get drunk, high, start smoking again, diving into ongoing traffic, stepping in front of a train, lashing out at WS or OW, Thankfully I never did any of those things!

There are many days I don't remember. I'm sure I looked like a zombie a lot of the time. People were asking if I was OK. I'd just say I was going through some stuff, but didn't want to talk about. Then they would leave me alone, but made sure I knew they were there if I needed them. It's getting better.

Write down the essentials to make sure you don't forget them and let the rest go until your ready.

Just give yourself a chance. Your DDay was relatively recent and while trying to work through and process the shock, you suffered an additional trauma, namely your WH's drunk driving accident. You have been so strong during all of this. Your mind and emotions are being pulled in so many ways, your mind may just be numbing itself so that it can heal.

Right now, just focus on your self. Sleep, see a doctor if you are having difficulty. Eat, drink smoothies and give your body a chance. Exercise, perhaps go to yoga or run to help work off the negative energy. I know that IC is not for everyone, but it may help to have someone IRL to talk to and and work through the pain, anger and decisionmaking.

With respect to your WH, he is to back off and give you some time to recover from two traumatic shocks. If he wants to R, he needs to show you that he is committed to changing. He has two major issues to deal with, his drunk driving and his A. He needs to be addressing the factors that led to these terrible decisions. Read books, go to IC, talk to clergy, a good steps for him to take.

Just as an aside, he talks about wanting to R but is he following through? Has he given you total transparency, NC, answering your questions?