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And if so, what does it look like? I feel like I am on the verge of some type of breakdown. How can I turn myself around? Yes, I'm in IC, tomorrow is my next appointment. Just wondering how much anger and gut wrenching sobbing one body can handle. And the chest pain simply will not go away (yes I'm doing breathing exercises, but the relief doesn't last long). And a full night's sleep? What is that?

Just wonder how everyone else is holding up physically when mentally you are below rock bottom.

I got pretty close.

I ended up needing to switch my meds (Lexapro), getting on klonopin for awhile (the anxiety was overwhelming) and lots of IC. I needed direction. She gave me step by step things to do some days. I made ONE goal a day so I could see a sense of accomplishment in something. Even if it was just making dinner or doing laundry. I wrote it down too so I could check it off and feel like I did something.

Yes, I have read many members here just totally losing their shit over this. I think most of have at one point or another. It also depends about what you mean by breakdown.

I do know that at one point after d-day (probably about 5-6 months, and before finding SI) I thought l was going to have a nervous breakdown. I just couldn't think about it anymore and I thought I was going to end up screaming and crying in a corner and they were going to have to haul me off.

Or, I felt kind of like my whole body was going to not exactly explode but more like implode.

I have heard of people literally shaking for months after d-day. Others couldn't get out of beds for a year. Some have lost pieces of time.

What do you mean by breakdown?

Initially I was clinically depressed....couldn't even get out of bed. Then the panic attacks started.....that uncontrollable panic when everything is wrong. I truly hate panic attacks. Then it was the mind movies when I was awake but the truly horrible ones were the ones when I was fast asleep. By this time all I did was sit and stare for fear of triggering any of these symptoms.

The final straw for me was when I ran away from my husband screaming and yelling in Times Square in New York that no matter what I look at or think about the pain was overwhelming. The tears would start in the morning and not go away until he returned home in the evening.

I knew I was not going to get any better, that I was continuing to spiral. I was the one that took myself to the doctor and got some meds. He also put me on an adrenal supplement because my fight or flight responses day and night had depleted my arenalyn stores. The shaking finally subsided and my mood levelled out. Without these drugs I would have gone to the psyc ward. In fact for my own safety they wanted me to go and I begged them to let me try the meds first.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 1:26 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

I idealized suicide. My IC sat me down and said, "leave this relationship. your life isn't worth it and neither is he. Don't end up on the 3rd floor of (the hospital) over this."

I took it to heart and realized that it just wasn't worth it, it had waayyyy too much power in my life and that I had a good life, other than this...

but I so understand.. I can see how it happens. I mean, I was broadsided twice in three months. I actually can't believe I didn't end up in the hospital. This is hard shit.

Yep, I started having panic attacks about 6 months in. I would be doing something benign like cooking or shopping or showering and all of a sudden my heart would start pounding and I'd get dizzy and feel panic and not be able to breathe. Mind movies would chime in to make it unbearable. I was put on as-needed anti anxiety meds and they saved me when I felt like I was losing control. Now I use them maybe once a month, max.

You're not alone in feeling this way, and I promise it won't always be like this.

SisterMilkshake, I'm not even really sure, I just feel so shaky on the inside, the chest pain, the exhaustion, the heartache...I just feel like something is going to have to give and it could go either way.

OldCow....have you talked to your doctor, your family doctor about this? that is a great place to start and he/she will have the proper medical questions to help you answer what it is that you might be experiencing. My best advise is to not overlook this. If you can nip most of it in the butt early you will have a far easier time in the long run.

T

I have heard of people literally shaking for months after d-day.

I am 19 months out. I still occasionally get the shakes. Mostly when I have a nightmare. But for a while they were uncontrollable, and I would end up in a ball. Literally unable to walk or move.

Sucks. (to put it a wee bit mildly)

Maybe I should discuss in therapy first before contacting my doctor? Or just go straight to the doctor? I don't want to mask any feelings, I want to GET THROUGH them as sucky as this is. My fear with medication is that it may lengthen the process...but perhaps I can't handle the process and do need the help, IDK.

get some ativan! Only as needed. Sometimes you have to reset your clock in order to get some sleep. Keep normal hours. Don't get screentime.

Yes, I had a breakdown. It looks like severe moodswings, hypersexuality, rage - sometimes all in the same minute. I had loss of appetite for the first few months. Still do pretty much. If there is a silver lining, that would be it.

My meds do NOT mask my feelings at all. They just quiet my obsessive/compulsive thoughts enough so that I can DEAL with the feelings.

For awhile I was thinking so much and so erratically I couldn't even manage to figure out what I was thinking. My brain would not shut up.

SamanthaBaker, I can so relate. Going to talk to therapist tomorrow and most like make an appt with the Dr... and a regular Dr. is ok, I don't need a psychiatrist?

I've been there . I'm so sorry. It's so hard to see any light, when all you feel is pain.

I wish I could tell you something concrete that works. For me, I allowed myself to sleep. A lot. My breakdown wasn't one that landed me in the hospital. I just became a shell of the person I was. I remember finding I'd go into my closet, lay on the floor and sleep, just to escape the outside world. I couldn't run away, so in a way, I hid. I found myself driving and having thoughts of going off the road. I think one moment that stands out in my mind as being one of the lowest, I was laying curled up on the floor, pregnant, crying, after my ex WH showed me just how cruel he could be. I cried for hours, with him in the next room, watching tv, his life going on as though I was just a nuisance. Never once checking on me, or the baby inside me, after he had seen me in agony from the fight.

I sat up, ripped off a necklace he had given me earlier in the year, and told myself no more. He wasn't going to control my emotions like that ever again. It took all I had to get back to "normal". But I was damned if I was going to allow him to drag me down like that. I couldn't control where he stuck his dick. But I could control what I let it do to me.

I know this is hard. Impossible at times. I promise you though, it will get better. Take it one day at a time. One hour, if needed. Fake a smile for YOU. Get out of the house and take a walk. Keep reading here. But make sure you read the positive also. Find things to make you feel good about you. Also, sometimes getting rid of "things" lightens your load.

I hope you're able to get to a better place soon ((((hugs)))).

I think if I didn't start taking AD's I might well have had a breakdown. I too was unable to cope, sobbing all of the time and not managing to take care of my children. And that feeling of not being able to breathe was just too much to bear.

Only for my close friends would this have happened and I am so thankful that they held me up and helped me through. They were really shocked at seeing me hit rock bottom as I'm usually a strong-willed woman.

I'm nearly weaned off taking AD's and I'm in a much better place. Have you spoken to your doctor?

I understand the pain you are going through, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. And the fact that xWS was completely lacking in remorse and couldn't have cared less about my well being or the effect it had on our children is not something I will ever forget.

But, over time things are slowly getting easier and I no longer feel suicidal or that everyday is a battle for survival for me and my children.

Keep posting and I would strongly advise talking to your doctor.

Hugs

I have gotten the meds from both my primary care doctor and my GYN doctor. So nope, didn't need a psychiatrist at all.

Does running to lock yourself in the bathroom so no one can hear your sudden, uncontrollable sobbing count?

[This message edited by Twitchy at 2:11 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

The 2 months between Dday1 (found out about EA) and Dday2 (admitted to PA), I was as close as I hope I'll ever be.

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep more than an hour or two a night (and even that was broken up) and I wanted nothing more than to not wake up the next day and deal with another day of pain like the day before. The ex POS suggested that's I needed to take sleeping pills and do more physical activity. The asshole wanted me to think that the solution wasn't the obvious..for him to stop the fucking EA!

After finding this site and kicking his ass out, that imminent breakdown feeling began to go away.

Yes I suffered two breakdowns. False r and multiple broken NC's sent me flying over the edge. I tried to commit suicide and began cutting, using again, and had uncontrollable rage and depression. I was admitted and in inpatient and outpatient programs. It saved my sanity and my life. I needed to get away from WH during that time. Looking back I wish we would have separated.

I found myself driving and having thoughts of going off the road.

This.

I dropped 25 lbs the first month. Then my hair started falling out by the handfuls. I shook constantly, I had tachycardia and atrial fibrillation. I pooped about 10 times a day. I became very weak, and was exhausted all the time. I screamed at H nonstop for weeks. What I didn't know was that I was becoming manic.

I came very very close to the psych ward, but luckily, when at my doctors office for the second round of STD testing, they also checked my thyroid levels, and found that I was extremely hyperthyroid, and was so bad off, that I was entering the manic stage of hyperthyroidism. Thank God my doc checked my thyroid.

I guess his tip off was when I landed in his office and said this:

"My H is a motherfucking worthless no good cheating bastard and I am also taking care of my elderly mom and dad and my bipolar son i'm bleeding constantly I want a hysterectomy and I need it right now like this week because there will be no other time to do it in order for me to be healed before my one and only vacation to the beach in years cuz I've been caring for everyone else's needs and my brother from Alabama is going to look after my Mom for a couple of months so we have to do this immediately don't give me any shit about this just do it right now okay I can't wait one more day just do it"!

And yes, I said all that in one breath, lol!

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:43 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]