SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am dying here. i recently got back together with my boyf of six years after a two month break up over the summer because he confessed to receiving oral sex after being drunk at a bar once (3 years ago). His reasoning is for that is he was told by a friend of mine, i cheated on him with my ex. i fought and cried for six years trying to prove to him that NEVER happend. i was always faithful to him regardless of his accusations towards me. so i forgave him for cheating and understood (well tried) why he did it to me. he apparently cannot get over the whole i cheated with my ex story still after six years.to him it was eye for an eye, to me it was he got one on me and i was hurt for no reason. ok, so this past month we have been doing amazing, he has treated me wonderful, i was puting what he did at the bar three years ago behind me. we were trying for baby and making plans to move in together in january. we both admitted that our love was stronger than ever. WELL, last friday we go to a friends house and this woman is also a coworker of my mother and a good friend to her, for drinks. My boyf was drunk already( oh he is an alcoholic in denial btw) so i was designated driver. i noticed his attitude was different towards me. he acted like he hated me. anyway it was 5 am and i told him lets go its super late. so we leave, i drive him home. well the next day i hear after i dropped him off home, he drove drunk back to this womans house because she told him she had major dirt on me and he had to hear it. Now this guy has been dying to find out truth about me for years so of course he goes. she winds up telling him horrible untrue stories about me (mind you she knew me since i was a teenager) and he was heart broken. she told him im settling for him and i dont love him i still love my ex. then the next story is they slept together. i am severly grossed out because this woman is sooo not his type and she has a bad reputation with men, and sleeping with whoever she meets on website and without condoms. so im freaking out over here. he told me after she bashed me so bad she started grabbing him (there) and told him to get a condom in the bathroom. he told me he put it on looked in the mirror and said i cant do this my girlf again. so he said he took it off and through it in garbage. then she got mad and they had an altercation and he left. HE WAS NEVER EVEN GONNA TELL ME THIS HAPPENED until she went to work the next day and told everyone including my mother she slept with him. he swears his story is true and she swears her story is true. Now people are coming out telling me finaly how she has always hated me and probably jealous and they have thought she liked my boyf. i defintely think she planned this now, she knew how to get him back over there, even though he is wrong for putting on the condom, she knew what she was doing. ok so here is the kicker.. she called him a minute man.. i know for a fact especially when he drinks (and that night he drank wayyyy too much) he cannot even function having sex. so i said i want proof, so i go to this womans house and she gives me the condom. i told her i was going to have the sperm dna tested. my boyf told me to get the condom, and he also said when i get it there will be no SPERM in it. Guess what he was right. the condom looks in perfect condition. nothing is on it. but it is rolled out. i told her where is the sperm and her answer was well we had sex check for fingerprnts.i know his fingerprints are on it, he told me!! she also said he purchased the box of condoms that night. if u look at the box it looks like it has been run over five times and the other two condoms are missing. that box should not look like that if it was purchased two days before. im going crazy trying to put these stories together. she basically told me she never liked me and doesnt care about our friendship so now i can definitely see her planning my demise. my boyf is soooo wrong he is not off the hook one bit, and i am still sending the condom away this week, because i want to know who the liar is. he told me to do it he will give me whatever sample i need,and he said he will give me phone records to prove he only took her number that night. she is saying he has has it for years and has always wanted her. funny is how she waits tii get back with him and tell her im happer than ever and she does this. i was split from him for two months, if he wanted her he would have been with her than. nothing makes sense and i dying.. i want to believe him, but i cant beieve he stooped that low... that hurts more than anything just knowing he thought about it.. but hey i still dont know if he did or not. but i def think this woman had it planned. why are men so stupid. and again this time his excuse was he was drunk and she told him i slept with my ex. lol this gir has never even met my ex. ridiculous. am i nuts? i love him sooooo much i cant believe he would do this to me. he almost cheated or he did and i have to live with this til i get results. i told him please spare me the $$$ and let me know now before i spend it and he is still telling me to please send it out. i know his dna will be there because he put it on but if they can find a womans dna as well, he is gone forever. what do u people think? im so lost.. i havent eatn all week.. im crying all day and have nightmares. i can try and move past him putting on a condom and then taking it off but i cant deal with him if he went through with it.. and is everytime he gets drunk and thinks about my ex is he going to screw the next girl? how many more times can i be crucified for something i didnt do? what if next time im married or pregnant? if i can put this behind me and i actually have truth, he needs to put his so called bogus obsession that i slept with my ex behind him too! he screwed me over twice already and now i dont know if there is even more! and im still mature enought to not seek revenge! why does he.. he needs justification for what he did. but he really has nothing on me. im the ony one getting hurt here. wow did i vent, sorry... i just cant stop crying, i cant beleive this almost or did happen to me again!! we were doing so well!!

Sounds like he was trying to find out any dirt he could, so that he could justify his actions. As an adult in a committed relationship you have to communicate, and he should have asked you about x y and z. Instead he proceeded to sleep with her?!

Run far far away and never look back! It's going to hurt but he has proven that he can not be trusted! And why do you want to settle for someone that you know has a drinking problem?!

Yes, your dreams that you had with him are shattered, but you can rebuild your dreams. Whether that is by yourself, or with someone else!

You deserve SO much more!

but what if he didnt go through with it,and he is doing everything he can to prove to me.. he said counseing and he will get help with drinking? i love this stupid man so dam much ugggghhhhhhh the only way i know is the dna test this week.. this stinks

So you love him and you want things to work. Watch his actions! If he is willing to do the work, he may be sincere this time.

As the saying goes, actions speak louder then words!

It is one hell of a roller coaster, no matter what the situation.

This is my WH second affair, and I am still hoping he will give me a 3rd chance when I haven't even done anything wrong! All in the name of love.

Post here often, there are lots of people with lots of support!

Perhaps you should pose a rhetorical question for him (on your way out the door): now that you have about as much or even more proof that he cheated on you as he has that you cheated with your ex 6 years ago, does that give you the green light to go ack over to one of his friend's homes, after hours, in a drunken stuper to be groped by his friend, and rather than leaving once that happens, go into the bathroom and make preparations to have sex with the friend?

Now that you have read the rhetorical question I suggested you pose, don't you think his story is ridiculous and completely unacceptable regardless if he had sex with her or not? Seems to me that you can do better than this guy. I understand you think you love him, but love doesn't feel like this. Love makes you feel happy and safe - it's not always fun but it certainly doesn't come with the kind of suspicion he demonstrates. Don't you think it's odd that all of his indiscretions come on the heels of some baseless rumors he hears about you? Has it ever occurred to you that he may actually be the source of these rumors designed to be convenient excuses to justify his own misdeeds?

You sound like a female version KISA (knight in shining armor). And your WBF sounds like 1500 degrees of hot mess.

He is choosing to believe the words of some friend about your cheating w/ your X over your vehement denials. Your WBF has serious trust issues. YOU cannot fix this. It is most likely a deeply ingrained issue for him and it will continue to bite you in the ass if you stay with him.

You cannot save someone that doesn't want to save himself. And if you try to do that, then YOU are the one that is going to pay the price.

He is an alcoholic. He is a man that is going along with a plan for you to become pregnant without being permanently committed to each other (you aren't even living together right now).....

Who cares if he *didn't go through with it?*???? He returned to her. Things got far enough along with her that he put on a condom. Isn't that enough?

It seems that you have a pretty big time investment in this guy....but what have you gotten in return? Doesn't sound as if you've gotten too much to me.....other than a whole shit-ton of brain damage that you don't deserve....

I wish I could sugar-coat this, but.... Read over what you wrote. If you read this from someone else, what would you think? And frankly, I am HORRIFIED that you would think of having a baby with man who you openly acknowledge to be an alcoholic. Please, please don't do this. If you read over SI, you will see multiple stories of how damaged people have been by their alcoholic parents. You deserve better, and your future kids do, too.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, my best advice is run fast and far away from him

Please don't try to have a baby with someone that you know is an alcoholic, kids don't deserve an alcoholic parent, they deserve solid and sound parents. He needs help for his drinking if he is drinking to excess

I would make him pay for the DNA testing, and I would also make him pay for both of you to take lie detector tests, this would be done at his expense, that will help clear up things

He needs counselling, no matter how much you want to "save" him, you can't he has to want it, like they say actions speak louder than words

If your sister or best friend was in a situation like yours what would you advise them to do,

(((Stupidfool30))) It seems awfully strange that every time he cheats, he claims it's because a woman 'lured him into it' by telling him awful lies about you being a cheater, etc. etc. And then his story always goes on to say how these same women would then come onto him sexually, aggressively grabbing him or manipulating him into having some kind of sexual contact, and on and on and on.

There seems to be a pattern here, and the pattern is that he's somehow a victim being manipulated by all these women who think he's just so wonderful that they'll go to any lengths to get him into their lair - and they all do this by lying about YOU.

Look, NOBODY made this guy get in the car and go to this woman's house AFTER you dropped him off at 5:00 am.

NO ONE.

He chose to do it and instead of admitting that he was doing it for the cheap thrill, he's once AGAIN trying to act as though he was 'lured' by his desire to hear 'dirt' about you.

I think it's about time he stopped dropping this crap on your front porch - always blaming his crap behavior on his desire to "find out" what YOU'VE supposedly done wrong. Man, that's just getting so old, isn't it?

And the worst part is that you love him, so you believe this excuse over and over.

He's been doing what he's doing because he WANTS to. He's been getting you to keep forgiving him by acting as though it's his great love for YOU and wanting to know the truth that makes him drop his drawers and do what he does.

Aren't you tired of hearing the same, ridiculous excuse for his behavior? He's actually got you blaming this WOMAN for his crap behavior. Your post is peppered with negative remarks about how SHE caused this situation and how SHE planned it, and on and on.

You need to put the blame where it belongs, or you're just enabling his rotten behavior to happen over and over and over.

And it's going to continue happening over and over and over.

He needs rehab and that should be a REQUIREMENT of you staying with him.

And quite honestly, the very LAST thing you should be doing with a cheating alcoholic is getting pregnant. My God, that's the last thing you should do.

He needs to start being HONEST and quit blaming his crap behavior on everyone else BUT himself. That's such typical alcoholic behavior - everything that goes wrong in his life is everyone ELSE'S fault, never his own. That's how alcoholics think.

Who the hell cares whether there's sperm in the condom or not. That's the LEAST of your issues. The LEAST.

Do yourself a favor. If you do nothing else, do this one thing for yourself: STOP letting him blame his crap behavior on his desire to prove that you're a cheater. That crap excuse allows him to put you on the defensive, so instead of calling him on his crap, it instead puts the focus on you DEFENDING yourself.

Tell him to man the hell up and own his shit. Seriously.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:05 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

I'm sorry, SF, and don't mean to upset you, but as a horribly duped woman, left alone and pregnant after a 20 year marriage, full of love and devotion on my part, I would sincerely and strongly beseech you to rethink your life with this man.

I don't know how old either of you are, but I can feel from your post and the actions of your BF that he doesn't appear to take you seriously-or these other women-that's a major red flag, in my opinion. If he doesn't take you seriously and is not committed to monogamy now, what will happen later on down the road when you have committments together?

One thing that was hard for me was to realize that I didn't want to be with a man who didn't respect me or take me seriously any more. He was also bringing some seriously unsafe aspects of life into our home and child's life, including possible disease with STD's and stranger danger.

What I also had to learn that helped me was to come to the realization that even though I had love and attraction for him, we didn't want the same things in life anymore-he wants a life without boundaries, without routine and a fly by night way of living and that doesn't work for me right now. With young children that's not really something I can accept and I don't want that for them-I want someone or something in life we can count on.

I'm very glad that you posted your story and glad that it shows you're thinking...that you realize he's crossed boundaries and now it seems like it may be time to figure out how high your threshold is or what your deal breakers are.

For me, too, and a few friends who are betrayed spouses, there came a point in time when it became intolerable to keep wondering when the next discovery and hurt would come. We discovered another thing, and that was that even though it's a very lonesome road sometimes, we can control our environment and stop the hurt and games that the WH's played.

Lastly, I will share that living with someone you have no trust for can be a torturous experience...to wonder what they are doing all day and if they are doing "it" again becomes a point of very high anxiety that is often difficult to break away from.

I wish you peace in your thought process and hope you will keep safe.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 9:15 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

I agree 100% with NeverAgain. Building onto what she said, let's objectively think about his latest indiscretion for a moment. If he was lucid enough to get back to her house in one piece, he was lucid enough to know that merely just GOING THERE was completely inappropriate. He knew exactly why she wanted him to go over there - and it CERTAINLY WASN'T to talk about YOU. If that were the case, anything she had to say to him could have been said over the phone when she told him she had some "dirt" to share with him about you. He is lying and he's a horrible liar. Whether or not he actually went through with the actual deed is immaterial - the fact that he returned to her house should be enough for you to feel betrayed.

In order to put the condom ON,his dick had to be hard..so at some point he WANTED to fuck her.

Im guessing he did.

I also don't think he thinks you ever cheated on him..he is using that as an excuse to fuck around..but blame you.

The condom will come back with his DNA. And then he will tell you it was pre-cum or some other stupid story.

You don't have to believe him. Why would you?

He is not an innocent lamb,led to slaughter. He knew what he was doing.

you are ALL right. and everything that you all have said, i have said to him. im very brutal. i will never have a baby with him and i most def cannot trust him. i am 30 and his is 33 incase you were wondering of our ages. if he wanted to hear dirt he never had to go there she could have called him. i know this. and the condom on alone is enough to kill me. and of course he had to be hard to get it on. i know all this. what my problem is i just want the truth for once. everyones lying to me. nothing adds up or makes sense, so when that happens usually there are still lies. no one wants to tell me the truth, so i have to find out on my own. this is driving me NUTS everyday all i do is think and think and i dont eat or sleep. believe me i try to block it out but its no new, its so fresh..it happend last week. i cant believe i gave him a second chance in the first place and within a month i hear this. he killed me. this man hated cheaters!! he couldnt stand them! now look what he has become. i was so good to him, anything he needed i did. i let him go anywhere without me and i trusted him. i feel sooooooooooo stupid. after this who can i trust? my stomach is so sick. and im full of anger. thanks guys for your responses.. i know what i have to do, its killing me, but ur all right. i deserve someone who can treat me like gold because that is how i treat the one i love.

So, so sorry. You never get the truth from these people. Let it go (easy to say, much, much harder to do...) You will feel so much freer when you do. All that anxiety and drama... *poof* I knew a kid who went through this incredibly cute stage of pretending to wave a magic wand and saying "poof! BEGONE!" Maybe you can imagine yourself waving the fairy wand at all of this absurd drama and just WILLING it away. You know it's not healthy for you, and it's trapping you in all kinds of negative energy. You CAN be strong and move beyond this. POOF! BEGONE!

From what I see of people holding on to certain beliefs, like he is holding on to you were with your ex when you were not, they do not want to give that idea up because then what would they use for an excuse every time they wanted to misbehave?

Also, you mentioned you were trying to get pregnant? Please, re-think that for now, why would you want an alcoholic for your child's father? If he can stay sober for the next few years, then consider it.

I think you are too focused on the details. You need to back up and look at the bigger picture.

This guy has been trying to "dig up dirt on you for THREE YEARS."

WTF??

How do you have a loving and committed relationship with someone like that?

And weather he actually slept with this woman or not. It really doesn't matter. The problem is his lack of boundaries. And you can't be constantly policing him.

And planning for a baby? With an alcoholic? This is a disaster in the making.

You're going to be sitting home with the baby while he's out drinking until 5:00 am.

What is it about this guy that has you so hooked? What about him makes you think he is "the one"? You really need to reevaluate your situation and be honest with yourself before you make any long term decisions

dont worry guys, im definitely never considering a baby now. i would never want to bring a baby into this messed up situation. i do love everyones responses. i thought of many things that were said already but other things have openedmy eyes wider. he definitely is using my i cheated with my ex as a chance to do what he wants. that makes perfect sense. me and him have soooo much history and been through so much and always got back, but this, this is bad. i dont think i can do it. but i go back and forth. i read articles on here last night with worst stories than mine, and somehow the couples managed to work it out and they are happy now. and then i read the lists of things him and i would both have to do to fix this.. and then i get a glimmer of hope. if i go foward, he can most definitely ruin me again, but what if we could be one of those happy endings. im sooooo confused. its so bad that im not even sure what to do. the best thing for me to do is RUN but my heart is telling me to wait. i wish my heart would shut up. everyday i have been going through mixed emotions. yesterday i was so devoted into doing everything i can to work it out and today i just dont care. i usually text him at work and call him at lunch and today i did none of it. as of now he is willing to do anything.. i mentioned church,counseing and AA... he is iffy with the AA and we all know why.. his dad was a severe alcholic and he has started drinkin again and my boyf lives there with him plus another person who is also a heavy drinker. he has to get outta there. ugggghhh i hate him so much right now. ii seriously wanna jump in my car and just gooooooooooooo... i have to stop caring. he has to care. im just gonna sit back ill be his friend ill be around but barely...my feelings are dying for him immesenly everday. and he will notice and knowing him his repsonse will be, " now your gonna cheat on me and now i dont trust you" hahhahhahahah what else is new. im just gonna sit back and do nothing and watch what he does. no effort from me whatsoever. im done.. if he wants to change then he knows what i expect if not peace... and look at me still considering him.. the guy cheated on me twice what the hell is wrong w me? im so glad i found this forum. i need major help. why am i considering!!?? smack me please!! im like in this dam fairtytale he will change into this charming prince?? and he wont, but then the articles i read on here say it has happendto some..but i guess its rare and its up to him. but then i think why do i want to go thru this and i dont deserve this.our relationship is tarnised. he is dirty to me now. i have had no one but him for six years. we broke up for two months and i still didnt do anything. now i think i should have . he is..

i know guys i know im a hot mess ..... damn him for doing this to me!!

Why don't you find a MAN who you KNOW won't cheat on you? Rather than holding on to a boy that you'll have to go through life HOPING he won't cheat again?

Take it from me. He's not worth the pain or the heartache.

but now im scared. HE WAS the MAN i thought woud never. and i mean i actually thought i picked one of the last good guys left. never ever had a doubt or suspicion once in 6 years til well all this truth came out. i am so scared to again, think i found the right MAN this time. it can happen again. u never know who anyone is anymore,thats what im learning about now. maybe i can but right now im soooo negative.. but still doesnt change the fact that this can happen to anyone and again to me. even my mother thought no way when i told her he cheated. she said i was lying.. so see here is a man that was everything to me, had no clue at all, totally trusted him, he was never shady, we lived together almost entire realtionship and everything was great..and look.. so now what.. id rather be alone...i only trust myself nowadays

The alcoholism is a HUGE problem. And the alcoholism is only going to lead to other problems. You cannot fix this for him. And if he's in denial, it's going to take him going to jail or worse for him to get help.