Sorry that you are here, Gadgetguy. This world of infidelity stinks like nothing else.
What I believe that you are learning...as many others have learned here...is just how far reaching and soul damaging infidelity really is. And if it is never addressed properly(aka rugsweeping), then there is no amount of time on this Earth to get over it. There are members who tried to stuff all of the emotions pertaining to infidelity away, who five years later, have it re-emerge like it just happened yesterday. Infidelity, in my opinion, needs to be addressed, and worked upon, to move forward in our lives.
I understand the total emasculation. We have all felt it. Our self-esteem is hovering right around zero, and we wonder if we can ever even reach a shadow of our former selves. But we can, we do, and you will too....with time and effort. And the fastest way to get back to our old levels is to address this mess head on.
You are uncertain if you want to reconcile or not. That is okay---you don't have to commit to anything at this point. Although you are 1 1/2 years out, all of this shit is still new, because not much has been done to work through it. You may discover after some delving that you don't want to reconcile, and that is okay---she forfeited any guarantees when she stepped outside of your marriage...especially for as long as she did. But you aren't going to know if you want to stay or go until you ask yourself some serious questions:
--What has your wife done---I mean REALLY DONE---to understand how she could (1) betray you in the worst possible way, and (2) continue to lie about, whether outright lying or lying by omission, for 5 years?
--What have YOU done in the last 1 1/2 years to try to work through this? Have you sought individual counciling?
--Do the two of you have the strength to try to reconcile?
Like I said, you don't have to commit to anything yet. But the longer that there is inaction, the harder it is to work past. History tends to be rewritten or distorted in our minds over time, so it is important to act now.
One last thing, and this is a FACT:
THERE IS NOTHING OFF LIMITS TO ASK YOUR WIFE AS IT PERTAINS TO ANYTHING AROUND THE AFFAIR.
Whether she considers it relevant or not is not the issue. The fact that YOU feel it is relevant is all that matters. And if she isn't willing to go through hell with you to win your heart and trust back, than believe me--you are much better off without her.
She has used the "I don't know how much more I can apologize" line. That is bad, isn't it? I treat her with respect and don't degrade her when I trigger. I just ask questions.
You are correct--that is bad. If she doesn't realize that this part is 100% about your feelings, and 0% about hers, that shows a lack of remorse. People who have remorse *GET IT*--and she apparently does not at this point. Do not be afraid to tell her this.
No matter what, it is a tough road ahead. But it does get better. No matter what, once you start working hard on this, and getting some more understanding to your wife's brokenness, then you will start to feel better about yourself. And if your wife does dig deep to find out her issues, it will accelerate your healing...even if you don't stay married.
Read The Healing Library in the top left corner---there is a lot of helpful information there. Read often and post often---it really does help.
Good luck, friend.