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So, the bed covers were folded over as usual so it's not as though FWH tried to hide it but..... euck!

He's obviously pulled the old dick before work and not realised he's left his 'wad'!!

So I come home and hey presto!!

Huge trigger as he used to masturbate a lot during his A and- whilst there are no flags to suggest he's cheating again- I am still really really pissed at him!

He's out with his sports buddies at the moment so I have changed the bed and left the linen on our bedroom floor...

and am now triggering as he said earlier he would do the wash tomorrow as the weather is meant to be ok- which is nothing unusual- but even that innocuous remark has triggered me!

and

After all this time something like this happens- meh!

I am sorry you are triggering. Are you going to explain to FWH about this trigger? Besides just being kind of icky for you to find.

Oh yes!!

When he gets in I aim to let him know that it is a trigger and why.

I guess the good thing is I haven't called him to shout him out or sent him an abusive text! I am calmly waiting for him to get in and will then tell him how his failure to clean up triggered me!

*sigh* and meh!

That is progress, isn't it MrsD? Yes, try to stay calm and matter of fact. Hopefully, he will step up and own it (ewww! ) and make sure this doesn't happen again.

Hopefully, he will step up and own it (ewww! ) and make sure this doesn't happen again.

You know when something that is more icky than major just makes your head fall off?

Your comment has me laughing at my post and suddenly I am back off the ceiling!

Good!

I understand that it was a trigger for you, but I don't understand why you feel the need to reprimand or embarrass him?

IMHO, masturbation is a healthy, acceptable way to release a little pent up energy.

I dont think its about embarrassing him or reprimanding him. Its about expressing that a behavior is causing a massive trigger and WHY.

Masturbation is a trigger for many. For me as well. It was a HUGE factor leading up to the A...masturbation and porn. WH was obsessed with it. So i can totally understand and relate to how this would be a very troubling find for MrsD. If i came home and found that i'd be pissed too.

Well, like I said, I understand that it is a trigger. IMHO, part of reconciliation is learning how to manage triggers and not allowing them to cripple you, or your spouse, for life.

Is her H allowed to masturbate? If so, is it only OK if he hides it from her?

Maybe "pulling the old dick" before work, as Mrs D put it, just means he's comfortable in his own home, in his own bed, with his own wife?

Don't we want our men to be comfortable with and around us? Just a thought.

I dont think any BS intends to let triggers cripple them for life. But triggers are crippling for a BS, in ways that a WS can not understand. Some triggers are easy to work thru...others, not so much...especially acts that are directly related to the affair.

Part of overcoming and managing triggers is bringing them to light, discussing them, discussing why its a trigger and finding ways to cope together. Hopefully it wont be a trigger in the future. But for now, when it still is a trigger, support, understanding and time.

[This message edited by SorrowBhindSmile at 9:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

that is so disgusting. Gross.

BTW I just want to put it out there sunnyrain, that I have a whole "we don't talk about that stuff". I personally don't like to think about it and would be majorly pissed to find that.

Also, personally I would find that disrecspectful. I can't believe he wouldn't at least put it in the washing machine

SBS, I've been the BS. I know and understand the pain. I also know and understand the pain of holding on to triggers for too long.

I do, however, apologize if my words pained you. It is not my intent to cause distress.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 10:10 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

BTW I just want to put it out there sunnyrain, that I have a whole "we don't talk about that stuff". I personally don't like to think about it and would be majorly pissed to find that.

I don't normally talk about it either.

Maybe I am the only woman on earth that's not disgusted?

Maybe "pulling the old dick" before work, as Mrs D put it, just means he's comfortable in his own home, in his own bed, with his own wife?

Don't we want our men to be comfortable with and around us? Just a thought.

I dunno, I am pretty comfortable about that shit around my wife but I think getting pissed off about blowing a load onto the sheets and leaving it there is the kind of reaction I'd expect. I mean I'd be kind of pissed if I sat on a bloody tampon or something.

Bloody tampon? Now that's just gross! But point taken. Do not sit on H's side of the bed.

Is her H allowed to masturbate?

Ummm....yea maybe. But don't leave the *evidence* just lying around...on the bed....where she sleeps. Especially when it is a triggery issue and he knows it....

Maybe I am the only woman on earth that's not disgusted?

I suppose it depends on where it comes from. I don't think my SO's cum is disgusting. If he jizzed on our sheets and didn't clean it up I would be slightly annoyed, but wouldn't think it disgusting.

Now a stranger's cum, I would probably be a bit put off.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 11:43 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Phew- I'm glad I waited for him to come home and talk about the fact I triggered and didn't blow him out purely on evidence as I was mistaken.

FWH came in and I just said I had to change the sheet cos you left your cum on it and explained that it triggered me as it made me think of his behaviour during the A and he opened his bedside drawer to show me a leaking plastic bottle of body cream that he uses. He'd inadvertently sat on it and it cracked and leaked onto the bed. Hence the "cum" stain. He didn't have time to change the sheet before work hence the comment about doing the washing! Boy do I feel embarrassed!

He did chuckle and say I should always smell any future deposits as its quite a fruity cream and yes- he was telling the truth

But- to answer your questions:

I don't have any objection to him masturbating. It was simply the fact I was pissed at the thought he would do so and not clean it up as THAT is disrespectful.

We talk about everything and so- when I saw what I thought was cum on the bed- I was sent back to A time as he used to masturbate a lot instead of engage with me and that caused conflict as I didn't know about the A and confused by his actions.

He very rarely masturbates now as he prefers to save it for me but if he did he wouldn't feel embarrassed to tell me and I wouldn't be annoyed. I would only object if he decided that was preferable to having sex with me KWIM?

I realise this topic is tricky as we all have differing opinions on what we as a couple will accept and hope I didn't offend anyone with posting it.

Just to clarify. It was the perceived disrespect I objected to and the way it triggered me back to his A period.

And yes SisterMillshake- I am sooo pleased I am at a place where I waited to talk to him instead of jumping in at the deep end

Is her H allowed to masturbate? If so, is it only OK if he hides it from her?

Maybe "pulling the old dick" before work, as Mrs D put it, just means he's comfortable in his own home, in his own bed, with his own wife?

:

I've answered most of these but yes- FWH is comfortable in his home and bed and with me his wife. It's a great place to be. We have both worked hard to get here.

I mean I'd be kind of pissed if I sat on a bloody tampon or something.

Euwwww