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Hi SI friends, been awhile. We've been well overall thanks to IC/MC and you guys, of course. Life seemed to have picked up a new "normal" pattern.

Well, approaching anti 1 and you could say shit is hitting the fan...again. I seriously feel like I'm going nuts. Even though anti isn't until mid November, this is about when I "knew" he was cheating and and point blank asked him if he was. He, of course, lied. I, of course, bought it even though I knew he was lying. Just couldn't prove it at the time.

Anyway, I'm all over the place again and I don't know what to do. I'm crying, I'm pissed, I'm pushing the edge of being spiteful, my temper is short with him and my DS and I don't know how to deal. The latter two are very out of character for me. Even on/after dday, I didn't have the spiteful/temper problems. I was just a useless blob that would often burst into tears. I'd get angry and default to my sarcasm defense mechanism, but that's one thing I worked on in C.

I know those who have been there say anti #1 and year 2 are hell, but I'm blown away by the intensity of it all. We've worked through so much and I feel like a total heel for drudging it all up again. It's like I can't control myself. I've even had the urge to look up old AP's for god only knows why!

I was happy that I was getting to where his A's weren't the first thing I thought about when I woke and the last thing before sleep. Now they pop up anytime...all the time. I can't focus at all and that is really, REALLY bad in my field.

I guess I just don't know what to do. Help.

IMO there's nothing to *do* about combating an anti-. Maybe I'm all messed up but it seems to me that the subconscious anti- shit has a mind all of its own and I have/had absolutely NO control over it.

Seriously Heart, there were anti's that I didn't even consciously remember or contemplate with my *lucid* mind....but I found myself being in a *funk*....and it wasn't until I stopped to figure out WHY I was so *off* that I realized what was going on.

My (probably really stupid) advice is to warn KB that you're going to be a nutjob for the <x> amount of time and that you expect him to not freak out and cause you more anguish as this unfolds. In my case....like magic....when the anti- passed...life was *fine* again. Strangest shit ever, to be all twisted up on one day and then to wake up the next and be all like, okay.....

What gonna says is absolutely true. I had been doing really well and then as it approached I went into a whole different zone as well. It is your subconscious reminding you of a traumatic event. I found that once I stopped fighting it that it actually got easier. I just let it come as it needed to and hl and I dealt with it. I gave him a heads up when I knew that things were headed south.

What you are going through is normal but it sucks and I am sorry that it is happening. Big huge hugs to you.

Thank you both for the affirmation. I assumed that it was a "just how it is" type situation. Might be a little easier knowing that it is what it is. Sucks and makes me angry, but I do feel better that I'm/we're not losing ground.

KB knows. I think he started freaking out, but realized exactly what you are saying. I'm just going to be that way until it passes. My only hope is that it DOES pass. I know it sounds petty, but I really don't have time to deal with being who I was post dday.

Thanks, girls.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 7:42 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]