SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out close to a year ago that my WH was having an affair with a girl we used as a babysitter for our children. He's 45 having a mid-life crisis and she's a 21 yo homewrecker with daddy issues. Found this site about a month ago and just worked up the nerve to become a member. Truly thought we had a wonderful life now I'm in the murky mess of a marriage that is left behind. we have 2 children ages 2yrs and 14 yrs. we have been married 16 yrs this fall.

((prowoman)) Welcome to SI, the place none of us wants to be but are really glad we found....

Right now you need to take care of yourself....Eat, sleep, get a little exercise and try to stay away from alcohol...You are important to your children and they need you in good shape....

I know it's hard to believe that he would do such a thing to you, but now it has happened you may want to find a counsellor to talk to. Our family and friends are willing to listen, but they love us and take sides...sometimes it's hard to hear the things they have to say....a cousellor is trained to help you through this crazy, quagmire of feelings, and ride the rollercoaster of emotion that you are on...

Has your H talked to you about this? Is he still in contact with her or still involved with her? He needs to end the contact if he is and is serious about putting things right with you. Perhaps a marriage counsellor for the two of you can help too.

Come to SI often, read lots and remember that the love, support and advice you get here comes from people who have either been there, or are right there with you.....

The "Healing Library" (top left hand corner of the page) has some wonderful articles to help out...check it out....HUGS

OMG. I am sorry.

Glad you finally posted. Welcome to SI.

Welcome to SI, prowoman ... you'll find lots of empathetic and helpful people here.

Read up in the Healing Library - top left yellow window. Tuns of great stuff in there.

Quick question; did your H have the A during the time she was babysitting (not specifically while she was babysitting rather did they meet during that period)?

Have you two gone to MC? Did he go to IC? What became of the sitter (is she still around town)? Are you certain the A is over?

Answering Questions....

Has your H talked to you about this?

H was the one who told me about the affair. We didn't go into detail but he took responsibility for trashing our M.

Is he still in contact with her or still involved with her?

The night he told me he invoked NC w/ her. He says they have spoken few times since- but no more A

did your H have the A during the time she was babysitting (not specifically while she was babysitting rather did they meet during that period)?

Yes. Needless to say she is not allowed around my children anymore.

Have you two gone to MC?

We went a few times but neither of us benefited much from it.

Did he go to IC?

No.

What became of the sitter (is she still around town)?

Still around somewhere.

Are you certain the A is over?

He says it is.

Is he transparent? Has he answered all of your questions without blame or being defensive?

Has he been 100% honest with you?

Do you have full access to all accounts,email,and his phone?Passwords too?

He needs to write a NC email to OW.."Do not ever contact or speak to me again. I am committed to healing the damage I have done to my wife,my marriage and myself." And you send it.

What is he doing to figure out why he did this? Why isn't he in IC?

Is he accountable for his time when away from you?

The way you say "he says it is" when asked if it's over,tells me he has done very little to become a safe partner for you in the last year.

(((((prowaman))))))

He's 45 having a mid-life crisis

This is not an excuse to lie and cheat. You know this. He made a conscious choice to lie, cheat and deceive.

He needs to do the hard work to figure out why he thinks he is justified in his choices. If he won't own the behavior and realize how wrong it was and how much it hurt you and your family, then the pattern of behavior will most likely continue. IC would be a good place to start if he is inclined to try and be a better man.

The night he told me he invoked NC w/ her. He says they have spoken few times since- but no more A

NC is NC is NC. Speaking to her a few times is NOT NC.

Are you certain the A is over? He says it is.

What does your gut say? You don't sound too convinced.

Post often and know that you are not alone. We all have been in your shoes and have faced our own murky mess of a marriage.

Hug your kids and know that you are worth more than being treated like an option.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:43 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

I'm glad that you found us although I know that you don't want to be here any more than the rest of us do and did.

If he speaks to her, he is not NC. He's just (maybe) not screwing her now. NC means NO Contact. No physical contact. No mental contact. No speaking to her. No texting her. No Facebook stalking her. NO Contact Whatsoever! He needs to establish NO Contact with her right now, or admit that he's just waiting for another chance to jump her bones.

Speaking of which, and I am so very, very sorry to have to bring this up, but you and he need to have a full STD/HIV screening. And to make the follow-up appointments that will be required since some things can test negative now, and then positive later. You need to not have sex with him until both of you have tested clean. He needs to tell the doctor to give the results to YOU, not just report them because, well, he's a liar and a cheater, and liars lie and cheaters cheat. This is far too dangerous to your health for you to take a chance on his honesty right now. And if/when he assures you that he had protected sex only, tell him bull. Most WSs do not use a condom. Even if they do, most WSs have oral sex with each other and kiss each other. That means that they had unprotected sex with each other since the mucosa of both the vagina and mouth can successfully harbor all types of STDs. And while he was sleeping with his girl-child, he also slept with every other man that slept with her as well as their assorted partners. And brought all of this home to you. (((hugs))) That's brutal it really is. I'm so sorry. Every one of us has had to make these phone calls as well. I almost wish I could say that it shocked our doctors, but I have never heard of one person telling us that their medical office was shocked at receiving this request. Not one. I know that you said that it's been over a year, but please believe me, you can still show up with an STD or HIV/AIDs.

Please come back often for support. We're all here for you. (((more hugs)))

Please let this girls parents know what she is up to.

I would be mortified if my 21 yo daughter was sleeping with a 45 yo married man. I would consider him a predator.

I know she is considered an adult but her parents need to have a talk with her. Is she naïve and gullible? If her father is in her life and cares for her, he would probably want to "meet" your husband.

... he would probably want to "meet" your husband.

The reality of ^^THAT^^ just might wake your WH up enough to make him keep his junk in his pants.

WH slept with our nanny last year which sparked DDay. I know she was only 20-21 years old (mine was too) but i am so angry with her. I trusted her in my own house caring for my children and she was invested in her own interests. I found out later on that she had messed with one of the dad's in the daycare where we used to send our kids. I did so much to help her. She also lied about sleeping with WH multiple times when I suspected it. Lol - I fired her ass so fast.

THEN she had the nerve to email me a month ago to ask about some paperwork she left here at my house knowing she owes me money that she never paid back (which I don't care about at this point).

Ugh - it just sucks. I know how you feel.