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I am 7 weeks from dday and have had a good couple weeks. WH doing almost all I ask, getting better all the time. Lots of HB, feeling connected to him, starting to think in terms of "maybe we will get through." I read some emails yesterday between them that I have had all along but never could bring myself to read. They were very explicit. They hurt like hell. I cried a lot, talked about it with WH. Woke up today feeling better, then...

WH was working, and I took my 4 kiddos(with help of my MIL, who knows the broad strokes of what happened) to a huge and busy art festival nearby. We had a really nice time, but at the end, I freaked out. Not sure what happened. Panic attack? Grief? We were heading back to the car, through a packed crowd of people, when suddenly I just felt like I stepped in to another reality. Everything seemed so unreal, in a very bad way. Every happy looking family I saw, I wondered which parent was the cheater. A guy came by with his kids, maybe it was "his weekend", he was texting as he walked with them - probably the OW. Everywhere I looked there was a woman who looked like WH's OW. I could just feel my heart pound, I had this hollow and nauseated feeling in my stomach, and I just wanted to break into sobs. I couldn't breathe and my lips were numb, and I kept seeing the words they had written to each other in their emails. I couldn't help crying, thank goodness for sunglasses and impersonal city crowds. The kids didn't notice. I got them back to the van somehow and packed them up and then had a mini-breakdown before I got in.

I have never had that happen to me, or anything like it. I am hurting so much right now from reading those emails. I wish I hadn't done it. I did actually try to read them on dday but my brain literally would not - it picked up words here and there, enough to know the general content. I think my brain was protecting me, and I foolishly sidestepped that. Now I am freaking out about what happened today, as well as hurting inside almost like dday again. It feels like such a setback. Help!

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 9:00 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

This was a trigger. And a severe reaction to the trigger. Sometimes in the beginning anything could trigger me. It probably was a mixture of panic and grief that you were feeling.

An overwhelming feeling that I would get many times in the beginning of my journey was how surreal everything seemed to me. It would hit me at the oddest times, the most mundane times, or in the happiest times (well as happy as I could be at the time).

Yeah, it sucks that we can't unhear, unsee, unread some of the things we hear, see or read in relation to the infidelity. I am so sorry that you are hurting from what you read. ((((iwillNOT))))

eta: I don't feel it is necessarily a setback. We call this a rollercoaster ride for a reason. This is going to probably happen at least a few times on your healing journey. It will get better.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:32 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

Oh yeah, I've been through this so many times. Anything can trigger me, it's awful. I had almost 2 really good weeks. I also thought the same thing "maybe I can get through this" then BOOM, I'm mad, I'm sad, I feel like the room is spinning and I can't run up to my room fast enough and lock the door. It's the only place I can to feel safe. Noplace in my house feels safe, of course then I start thinking about killing myself, but I think it is because I've suffered through a lot of physical pain (and emotional when I was young) and I've gotten to the point, where I can handle the pain anymore. It's intolerable.

All of my WH's sexting and emails were WIPED from both of them. Fortunately, I told OW's husband and he took over the investigation and got me a lot of the information. My WH lies, swears, nothing is sacred to him, especially me. The way he exploded at me today, I truly believe he doesn't even love me. I think he's just afraid of not having me around to bully anymore. I don't know.

I'm so damned confused today, but I'm taking a break from thinking about it and just lay and listen to music, take an ambien and pass out. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, or if there is a God, just take me now, enough already!

My FWH was about as close to a "I get this" repentant spouse as possible, but the Panic attacks and flash-over triggers hit me too. Even now, about 5 days ago, we had a pretty nice day and evening, and we were watching a movie and I had a flash PTSD trigger in which, in about 30 seconds, I kicked over two TV trays and threw a glass of wine into the wall. Came out of freaking no where.

That's rare now, however, it happened a.lot. for the first 8 months, and then started to taper off a bit. I remember walking through a grocery store, me clutching the handle of a shopping cart, blind with tears, while my FWH steered it by grabbing the front and leading it (and me) around. I never made a sound, I just had non-stop tears streaming down my face. It was pretty embarrassing for everyone around including me.

Be gentle with yourself. You have to process this horror in your own time. (((hugs)))

I've done this too...been somewhere and find myself looking at couples going "He's probably cheating on her..." and then seeing all these women who look like OW. I don't have emails...WH wiped everything before he then opened it up to me by giving me all his passwords to all his devices. He made sure I coudl find out nothing. I don't even know about the sex. Is it a blessing or a curse? I have no idea because my imagination runs crazy and it is killing me ... I am supposed to go to my parents today and I can't even get off the couch.

Diddo

Except I have had my triggers and panic attacks away from him - he gets angry or sarcastic.

I came back to the family house the other day - cried all the way through the valley. She had been there numerous times, was in my house, in my town.

He would meet her, when he went for the morning and evening walks with his dog.

I got to the house, and went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and cried.

He took our 7 month old son, and walked around.

Then came to the bath room and sarcastically said

"the house isn't going to BITE YOU, (putnameher"

The loathing in his voice, he was disgusted with me, my behaviour.

He brought her into my house, had sex with her.

My house. He has never really come clean. Does not want to talk about it, because it makes him sick, hates it.

He is such a selfish sh!t. Will they ever SEE what they have done??

I honestly do not know anymore, really.

I never ever in my life, thought a human was irredeemable - he's changing my mind on that one!

I just don't know ANYTHING anymore either. I too look at everything differently, feel differently.

This seriously does restructure us...

good luck everyone,

littleleaf