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Before I respond to XWH's email, I thought I'd post for advice here.

Today was DS #2's birthday. He had the kids until 5:00 pm today because it was his custodial weekend, and I celebrated with DS #2 when the kids got home for dinner. I was fine with that, and I didn't ask XWH to return the kids early.

DD has her birthday this weekend during my custodial weekend. I'm sure that they're going to put on another circus event for her (see vent below). He asked me tonight (not several weeks or days ago) if he could have the kids from 11-4 that day. Frankly, that kind of sucks. I'd be willing to do earlier-- maybe 9-2 or 10-3-- but 11-4 cuts into the entire day. He has let me "borrow" the kids on his custodial weekends for family parties, but I always make sure that they're later in the day-- 5 pm or after-- and the kids are home for bedtime. That way, I'm not really cutting into his day.

I don't mind if he takes them, but am I being totally unreasonable if I say, "Sorry, but those times won't work. We could do 10-3 that day."?

Now, the vent:

They put on the *shocker* dog and pony show for DS #2's birthday. They went to the movies, had a party with one of DS #2's friends and a neighboring family (who appear to be XWH and Owife's only friends), and even hung up streamers. What a laugh. XWH never bothered with anything like that for our kids when we were married. But, this is par for their hypocritical course. They're going to continue to have these big, sparkly, family celebrations to show how wonderful their union is and how family-oriented they are.

If XWH had put half the effort into our marriage and family life that he's putting into this one, maybe we'd still be together, and I wouldn't have ended up on SI. But, I know that what's done is done, and there's no redoing the past. He did what he did, and I'm glad to be away from that, and he can put on all the sparkly family parties he wants with the Owife. It still doesn't change the fact that he's actually a turd, and being married to him became sad and suffocating once we had children. I guess I just hate the hypocrisy (and the fact that I picked badly), and I'm finding it hard to get over being angry about it. DS #1 said to me tonight (paraphrasing), "Dad said that we have to start behaving better, but all I could think about is how his behavior was really bad, and look what he did."

I think that's why I'm feeling mad right now. My kid is starting to see his father for what he really is. That pisses me off.

If you don't have birthday celebrations worked into your divorce agreement, then what you do now will set the future tone. If you have had the kids later in the day on his visitation weekends, then he gets the kids later in the day on your weekends. You get to put on the dog and pony show for DD (if it's age appropriate. The 2-yr old won't remember any of this.)

The days are considered shared, but in the past, he always came over alone to celebrate, open presents, etc. Now that the Owife and her kids are on the scene, that's all over with (which is fine with me). So, they now have to go over there for part of the day. I can't give him the evening because that's when we're celebrating with my family. I'm fine with him taking part of the day; it's just that he's carving out the entire middle of it, and I'd prefer that he take an earlier shift. I think that's fair since that's what I've been doing with family parties that fall on his time.

It's reasonable to let him see the kids on their actual birthdays. I do that too. However, it's also very reasonable to let him know what times work for you since it is your day. The middle of the day doesn't work. That's all. Offer a different time frame that will work and if he wants it, he will take it. If not, too bad for him.

As far as the vent, I get it. Just know in your heart that you know the truth about him and her. He's posing for the cameras right now. He's a liar and a hypocrite and she's trying her best to legitimize their relationship. They won't keep this up forever.

All of their happy blended family bullshit is nothing but smoke and mirrors. Kind of like trying to shine a turd - you can try all you want, but in the end, it's still nothing but a turd. You know it, your kids know it, and the rest of the world knows it. Don't let them shake your knowledge of that.

I know it's hard and it still hurts to have to watch him play at being the good husband and father while this stupid skank gets to spend time with your kids. It will fall apart one day though. It's inevitable. In the meantime, your kids will realize the difference between the parent who is fake and the parent who is genuine.

Dear ex

I have already made plans for child's birthday starting at 2.30pm. I really wish you had let me know sooner. I can accommodate 9-2 for you to celebrate child's birthday. Let me know if you wish to take up this offer.

Regards,

Trying Again74.

Crickets to anything else.

^^This. Bluebird's response sums up what I would send.

Oh and if your XWH habitually brings the kids home late, make the time that you need the kids home at least an hour earlier than the time you actually need them for YOUR family celebration.

Bluebird nailed it and Gaby is right about giving yourself a cushion in case he tries to push the boundaries (imagine that!) on the time you allow him.

I know it's easy for me to say, but don't fret the sparkly dog and pony show because it's going to come to a screeching halt sooner than you think. Think about the total dick you ex is. Think about what a dick he's been to your children in the past (and still is, what's with this behaving better shit?) now consider the fact that she's brought her 3 kids with her. It'll only be a matter of time before he shows Ms. Mousy his true colors when he blows his top over the next flooded toilet, temper tantrum, back-talk, or kid fight. Her 3 angels (my heart actually goes out to her poor kids, being yanked from their own dad and having to all of the sudden live in some strange man's house) will become her 3 brats and the glass covering the portrait of the perfect family begins to crack. You're kids will be lucky, they can run back to you. Her kids are stuck with their asshole of a step-dad and their weak, pathetic, sorry excuse of a mother who selfishly thrust them into this awful situation.

I would follow Bluebird's and Gaby's advice.

Of course they are putting on a show for everyone. It won't last and everyone, who doesn't already know, will know the truth. It has this funny way of coming out.

I suggest this. I've taken out the jabs and suggest you stick to the arrangement you had on your DS2's birthday today for this next birthday and I suggest you consider proposing what arrangement you would be happy with going forward.

I have already made plans for child's birthday starting as I intend to spend the day with them to 5pm as per your day on DS2s birthday.

I would consider a a different arrangement going forward after DD's birthday. I suggest when their birthday falls on a weekend the parent who does not have them that weekend gets them from X to X on the day of their birthday. If it falls on a weekday then the parent who does not have them that morning gets them from X to X."

No jabs - let the fucker work it out himself. No ego kibbles from him by letting him know you are irked.

I have 50/50 on a 2/2/3 schedule and my agreement has a clause that states if it falls on a weekend the parent who doesn't have the child has them from 1pm to 5pm. If on a school day the parent who doesn't have the child on the morning has them from the end of school to 7pm.

The school day clause only comes into effect where one parent is scheduled to have them that morning and that night. The intention of the clause is to ensure the girls get to see both parents on their birthday.

This year he had them the morning of DD3s birthday and I had them that arvo/night on the normal schedule so we didn't need the clause (not that he didn't try - not because he wanted them but just to stick it to me).

I think whatever arrangement you make it needs to be the same time-frame for both of you. He doesn't get the core-hours on his non-custodial day. That's just not the way it works. Letting him have them that morning opens yourself up to him dropping them off late.

I would be insisting on having them until 5pm for this next birthday as per what happened on his custodial day. Any change will happen with the birthday after this one.

Reciprocal arrangements leaves no room for arguments or inequity. Whatever happens on your custodial days also happens on his.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 4:54 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

WHat Bluebird and Gaby said.

And fuck the sparkle show. It doesn't last. They can't keep up the act forever.

"Dad said that we have to start behaving better, but all I could think about is how his behavior was really bad, and look what he did."

This is how you know your child is learning how NOT to be a parent. He is seeing a clear difference in his life with you and life with Dad. It hurts, I know, but you are doing something right!!!!