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PositiveAttitude (original poster member #40624) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
But I'm still having such a hard time. Those months of limbo over the summer when he went back and forth between me and OW have really damaged my psyche and ability to trust.
WH is starting to do everything right. I'll never have total transparency, but honestly that does me no good. WH was such an adept liar that all the passwords in the world doesn't mean he doesn't have other accounts/phones somewhere hidden.
He's apologizing, doesn't seem to be triggering over OW much He's attentive, loving. Texts me during the time of day he knows is a particular trigger for me.
I'm just afraid to trust him. I'm not just afraid to trust that he won't cheat again; I'm afraid to trust that he will stay. Leaving me (even though it was brief) for other woman, and starting the divorce process really damaged the security I felt in our relationship.
Then I feel guilty when tiny flickers of trust rise up. I feel like I'm being stupid and possibly deserve any pain that comes my way again for even wanting to trust him now or in the future.
I did get an apology from OW (whom I've never met) via e-mail for the pain and hurt that she had caused me. She did try to make herself out to be a victim in the situation, but I know that is far from the truth.
I'm just having a bad day.
BW - 44 - SAHM
WH - 45 - 3 year LTA
Blended family - 2 school aged "ours" children left at home.
DDay (which one?) all in 2013
Reconciling - as best we can
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 8:38 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
I am glad to hear your WH is stepping up.
Some points. You should have total transparency. Yeah, they can have secret phones, e-mail accounts, whatever. However, you should still have total transparency with what you know he has.
Of course you shouldn't trust him yet. It is just way too early. Try not to feel guilty if you feel those tiny flickers of trust because the truth is you will not be truly reconciled if you don't have any trust.
I did get an apology from OW
She did try to make herself out to be a victim in the situation
That wasn't an apology. Two things come to mind. First, if your WH has truly gone NC, this was a way for her to reach out to him through you. Second, this wasn't an apology. This was to ease her conscience. If it was truly an apology she would have accepted full responsibility for everything she did.
NC is for you, too, Positive. No contact, no new hurts. Please block her e-mail address.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
PositiveAttitude (original poster member #40624) posted at 9:55 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
Thank you for putting me back on target re: OW's "apology"
WH was angry that she tried to make herself out to have been misled when as he said it "you were the only victim in this situation - we BOTH knew what the hell we were getting into. "
WH seems to be testing the air quality outside the affair fog. We'll have to see if he stays the course.
BW - 44 - SAHM
WH - 45 - 3 year LTA
Blended family - 2 school aged "ours" children left at home.
DDay (which one?) all in 2013
Reconciling - as best we can
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:05 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
Another vote for 'way too early to trust'. At the same time, accept that human beings build up trust slowly. Everything he does that shows he's trustworthy will register with you, so it's natural to see flickers of trust.
There's nothing wrong with you, PositiveAttitude. 
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
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