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FWH has completely buried his A. He has never ever brought it up. When he sees me struggling he ignores me and he never offers any support. The other day I triggered (drove past one of their meeting places for the first time). I tried to talk to him about it and I got......CRICKETS. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. His silence infuriated me.

Problem is I don't feel that I ever got the truth. I know deep down inside that he lied about most of it. He did nothing but TT me and the only things about the A that I do know are the ones that I found myself. He NEVER confessed anything. I turned into a pathetic lunatic digging for every bit of evidence and truth I could find. I wasted countless hours. I even sunk to the level to beg the OW for details. What a brilliant idea considering she is an even BIGGER liar than he is! I still kick myself for even giving her the opportunity to mess with my head.

He didn't read one lousy book. no mc or ic. He did nothing to figure out the why or to understand the how. I became his personal therapist. I did all the reading and searching. I felt like he gave me a cancer and then just sat back and watched me die a slow miserable death....all the while he held the cure. the TRUTH . and he refused to let me have it. He doesn't have the canolies to man up and own up to what he has done. Instead he just watches me writhe in pain.

So Now when I try to ask him any questions he tells me "I'm not going back to that". He absolutely refuses to talk about the details of the A. He tries to make it as if it is too painful for him to talk about it and he doesn't want to re live it

I try to tell him that I need answers so that I can move on. I need the truth so when I face a trigger I can tackle it head on. He just doesn't budge.

It has been almost 5 years now. I think he lied so much that he can't go back and answer questions since he doesn't remember what he even lied about. He knows that every answer he has given me is burned into my memory. Only problem is he can't remember what fake answer he already given me.

Do you really think it is too painful for him to talk about? Or is this just another load of bull? His way of protecting his lies ? Or am I being insensitive to ask him to go back when he just wants to forget it?

I hate this. Sometimes I just feel so tired of it all.

[This message edited by LoveEndures at 8:54 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

I do not believe you can even start R without the truth. Why are you still with him after 5 years? Yes it is probably painful for him to realize who he is, what he is capable of...but so what? what about your pain? If he loved you that would matter more than his own.

I don't know your whole story but I don't think I could live like that. Do what you need for you!

He is not behaving remorsefully. Not even a little bit. In almost FIVE years he has done no reading, no therapy and now says he doesn't want to "go back to that". It seems like he didn't even address it in the first place.

What do you want for yourself? Never mind him. What do you want for you? Bc I really think it is time for you to start taking very good care of yourself.

Courage will carry you through no matter what.

((LoveEndures))

The others have already hit the nail on the head. You aren't in R. You're simply co-existing.

But to answer your question, for a remorseful spouse, it is painful to talk about the As. It tears their heart out and it probably takes a lot to discuss it, even though they know they need to. Sometimes a remorseful spouse may not be up for it, but it always gets done. An unremorseful spouse who doesn't want to talk about it is not in deep pain. At best, they feel guilty. But usually, it is all about continuing to hide and rugsweep, which is what you say your WS is doing. Talking about the A is not painful for him because he hasn't even faced what he's done. Talking about the A is scary for him because of his web of lies.

Not in R. I'm so sorry.

Five *years* and it's still all about him. Gawd, just makes me want to slap the piss outta him for you.

LA44 is right. He's not remorseful. I tend to doubt he even feels guilty. I'd bet he "doesn't want to go back to that" because he doesn't remember what he told you. I 8magine after 5 years it would be hard to keep the lies straight.

I didn't want to talk about it either. But I did. Sometimes at (or until) 2 or 3 in the morning on a work day. Because my H needed to know.

Now you have to decide what you're going to do. It's obvious that he has no intention of helping you heal or fix himself. It's also obvious you can't continue to live like this. I know from other BS that false R of *any* length is hell but you don't even get the illusion of R - that's how selfish your WH is being. He isn't even *pretending* to help you heal.

I'm all for R but in your sitch, I'd kick his ass to the curb.

I'm so sorry you're in this hell.

I think it is time to walk away. He doesn't want to reconcile if he can't give you answers. I know there is still stuff my WH has not told me but I know he has answered almost every question I've put to him. I still believe there is a lot more to the story, but WH is in MC and IC (though he skipped this last week and I'm really pissed about that).

You have described my life to a T! Only difference is time. I'm 9 months post DDay, and I got nothin'(' ')I'm just stuck and he has moved on.