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Crushed18 (original poster new member #39865) posted at 6:46 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013
Haven't posted in a while. I've been trying to come to terms with everything that has happened. I found out about some of WH affairs on 6/8/13.I've limped, crawled and cried my way thru his TTing thru early Aug. while trying to care for 3 kids and do grad school as a full-time student.
I've been trying to accept that my entire world has been shattered to pieces.Trying to be strong and make rational decisions despite feeling very irrational and angry at times.
I'm trying to accept that I stepped outside of my values and spent time talking and texting another man for 6 weeks trying to understand why my beloved husband would do what he did.
My actions were wrong, and I should feel bad, but a part of me feels my WH has dogged me out for so long while putting forth a happy, loving spouse routine that he doesn't deserve my consideration.The sadness and hopelessness I've felt has now given way to extreme anger.
WH seems to be truly remorseful and doing IC and MC. He is opening up more and being really supportive, but I'm emotinally and mentally drained. Not sure I even like him anymore. To know he is the type of person who carried on with numerous women for years all while I poured out my heart to him. To know he watched me struggle with depressiona, stress and health issues due to the strain of the marriage. To know he repeatedly denied for years he was being unfaithful is just too much. I don't think I have it in me to do it. He wants to R, but I want to run far, far away from him and this god-awful smoldering mess he's dumped in my life. Today, I feel lots of hate toward him.
Sorry for the rant...just weary with it all.
Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA
20WrongsVs1 ( member #39000) posted at 7:13 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013
((Crushed18))
Not much in way of advice, but you've been heard. Wanting to run: not an uncommon reaction. Caring for three children and doing grad school, that is a tough row to hoe, while dealing with this mess.
One day at a time, friend. One day at a time.
fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."
Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 7:14 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013
Crushed...
I removed the stop sign since you are a Madhatter and only WS's can post and/or start threads using that icon.
Thanks 
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
GraceRunner ( new member #39856) posted at 8:04 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013
Since your WH is committed to working on it he will need to start with looking at his issues and working on himself. Could you take this time to heal yourself, rest and strengthen yourself? I personally make poor decisions when I am exhausted and drained.
Me - FWW, 38
Him - BS, 42
Married 15 years
2 young daughters
4 month EA/PA, DDAY 10/12
heartache101 ( member #26465) posted at 8:37 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013
Crushed
I say focus on you.
It has taken me 5 years to be alright with life again.
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
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