Hi, everyone. 10 years ago I married a man that seemed to have it all. A handsome suave business man, who was very affectionate and romantic. I married him in spite of the fact that a co-worker/great friend had confessed his love for me and wanted so much for me to choose him. He was the boy next door, no suave business man. I took for granted he would always be my best bud no matter what. And in the end, my loyalty was to the man who I was dating…. for 4 years.
Every holiday, birthday, Ground Hog’s day, and any little box he gave me I would say, “This is it! He’s gonna ask me!” Every time I was disappointed but at least I would get some nice earrings.
My BFF and I in the meantime had a blast at work, I can’t lie. After his confession and a few years of bonding at work I realized I loved him too! Maybe it was an emotional affair, but I was starting to realize my boyfriend was holding back, and something didn’t seem right. I started to do some soul searching and took a short break from him. But it was too late. I was (unintentionally) pregnant and it was time to get married, and let my friend go. I broke his heart. He was so sure I was going to choose him. Coworkers told me my BFF nearly came to wedding and was going to “Speak Now”. He didn’t. And that’s ok. I had a baby on the way and the man I stuck by, now ready to marry me. Move on. Move on.
Fast forward, I stopped working to raise our kids and to deal with the stress/depression of being married to someone so secretive. I didn’t even know how much money he made, but it was always there when we needed it. With small kids and no job, maybe I didn’t WANT to see. Until I had had enough. I found out my DH put on a suit every day for 10 years and pretended to go to work. Instead he went to a woman’s house. A woman who was my kids Godmother. A wealthy woman who provided him with the financial backing to lead a bizarre double life. He never even had a job.
After much pain and a divorce I swore I’d never look back. Everyone kept saying how strong and brave I was but I’m just a person. And the pain and agony my kids were enduring as a result was killing me. I tried for over a year to do it alone, but my kids were on a downward spiral. We took up residence with my very toxic mother. In addition to having to understand why we split up, they had to endure the psychological mind games I endured as a child. It was horrible. I was broke and broken. I did not have money to make it on my own. My DH begged, and I had nowhere to go.
After he gained real employment, went to therapy, found Jesus, and all that jazz, I said…”ok”. I moved into a tiny apartment, but in a much better school district. It made me happy to know my kids would be in a better place than where I grew up; what parent doesn’t want that, right? Buy here’s the kicker…we live with my mother-in-law. I know. I know what you are thinking. I know. Yes, I know. But she was a easy-going woman, like your favorite old aunt. But I come to find out she’s gross. She keeps a messy house. She helps out with chores but she has a terrible hygiene issue and a tendency to not throw ANYTHING out. And now I can’t stand her. But she is very good to my kids. They have their sweet grandma. And they have their parents back. And they have peace. It is priceless.
But I have sacrificed my mental health for theirs. Shockingly, (yeah lol ok) he is not working now and has decided he didn’t want to work and just kind of chill out and see what comes his way. Doesn’t go to therapy or church now. In the mean time he wants me to stop being so negative, worrisome, miserable, anxious and just “live in the moment”. Hello, we have bills and kids who need…things! And I do not want to live like this forever! I thought we were going to bust our asses and sacrifice to get our own place but it has become clear that between his mom catering to his every need, having his kids back, and his wife back to “satisfy” him…what’s the hurry? His financial backer died. I felt bad, I mean, I’m human I’m not a monster. But without her income he was just working just hard enough to put food on the table with small gigs. The rest of the kids’ needs is mostly on my dime. Anyway, now that it’s all in the open he doesn’t even try to hide his dislike of work. It’s all on me, and I can’t leave, I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I called in all my favors. And I lost the support of nearly all my allies when I took him back. I feel homeless. All my stuff is in storage. The dishes, the coffee maker, all hers. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and I feel very alone.
I don’t leave because my kids, especially my oldest daughter, has finally made friends and her grades are better. I can’t move her again, and I can’t afford to live on my own yet. In the mean time I can fool my head but not my heart. I tried to love him again….I can’t, not like a wife. I tried. I just can’t give him something that he took from me. I love him like a family member.
I looked up my old friend on FB. He looks so happy with his wife and beautiful baby. It devastates me and makes me hate myself. I chose the wrong guy. He was right there, he loved me and I loved him. And I let him go. I broke his heart. What have I done, not just this year but for the past 14? I am consumed with regret and I can’t forgive myself. I even got a tattoo that says “Live without regrets” to keep reminding myself to, well, not live with regret! Not working.
I have but one hope…I went back to school for my Masters and in two more years I will be a licensed physical therapist. I will be financially independent. We live in a gated community. The plan is to move out on my own with kids, but within the same community, so we can still be a family, and we can meet at the community park, and kids can come and go between our homes effortlessly. They are small. 3, 5, and 10. The little one has Autism. I can pretend I got it covered, it’s challenging with my little boy. And the truth is I need him to be a dad, I don’t hate him and we NEVER fight in front of them. He doesn’t deserve all this consideration, but my son (especially) deserves to have his dad in his life. He’s a lousy husband, but he would die for his kids. I can’t pretend that doesn’t factor into my decision. One day, though, I will have my home, my freedom, my peace.
In the mean time it feels like a jail sentence. Two more long, long years. And in a way, I feel like I deserve this for being so naïve and blind. Never again will I offer a man a second chance. This will teach me to grow some self-respect and make better choices. Oh, and to save money on the side for the unthinkable. If I had been smarter I would have been prepared so I would not have to rely on anyone post divorce. Thank you for reading. I needed to tell someone.